Year in Review

It's the last day of 2009! I decided to post something to round out the year, even though I've been absent for over a month.

I haven't yet written my New Year's Resolutions, but I have a good idea what they'll be. When Josh comes home from work today, we're going to write ours down. I'll make sure to post them in the next few days. To honor the past year, however, I'm going to do an '09 recap, by month. It's good to reflect on things before making new goals, I think.

January
President Obama took office, making history as the first black president of the United States. This was a particulary momentous day in my memory because I was teaching at an almost all-black school and we hugely celebrated the meaning of this for this demographic and culture. I was especially happy for my babies (my class) because they were able to identify with the first leader of the country they will probably remember having.

February
I agreed to accompany my high school friend turned Seattle friend, Sharonne, to a cross country skiing race near Leavenworth. 3 other friends of hers decided to come along as well. In this one weekend, I made bonds with friends I will probably know for life. In fact, we celebrated each other multiple times this year and they were included in most of my memories. My initial decision to go for the race was a smart one! I also started taking Pilates again. This time, it was with the reformer. I took a class for 6 weeks, but I didn't like it. I was bummed because it was so close to my house.

March
I believe it was this month that I was displaced from my school. My Principal illegally removed me from my position for the following year so she wouldn't have to remove the male teacher, since they are harder to find. I was so relieved to get out of this school, though, that I agreed to sign the form. I'm sure the fact that she threatened to ruin my career helped...

April
In April, My parents visited us for a week. It was a great trip and we had a lot of fun. I don't think my mom had been here prior to that in over 8 years. I also interviewed for 5 new teaching positions in April. Applying for them was a lot of work and the interviews were crammed into three days after full days of work, which made for a crazy me. We also reconnected with Josh's family who live in the area on Easter. It was an important connection that has made us both happy. Additionally, I made a new virtual friend through this blog that turned out to be very closely connected to me in real life! As such, her friendship doesn't seem so much "virtual" and has been an important one to me.

May
In May, I was offered the position to teach at my current school. I was subsequently offered 3 more jobs. From the moment I accepted, they welcomed me with open arms. I have never regretted my choice to work there. I also went to Sasquatch, a music festival, with 2 of the women mentioned above. We camped overnight and had a blast. May was also an important month for Josh, as he was hired on by the Milton Fire Department and he also celebrated one full year of running his own business.

June
In June, we celebrated my birthday with a weekend trip to Hood River, Oregon and went whitewater rafting with all 4 of the girls above and one of their significant others. It was an amazing weekend of limo rides, jumping off bridges and bonfires. I also said goodbye at the end of June to kids I loved and cherished as well as a school I didn't.

July
July was a month of bleeding, pain, and exhaustion. At the start of the month, I was diagnosed with PCOS and put on an herbal regimen by my Naturopath. I bled every day, all day, for 6 weeks. It was 3 weeks in to the bleeding that I began to believe I didn't just have a popped cyst in my ovaries, as suspected. I saw a specialist who did a routine pregnancy test and discovered I'd been pregnant since before the bleeding began. Ultrasounds resulted in the acceptance that the pregnancy was doomed and I received Chemotherapy and visited the ER to force a miscarriage. It was to date the most horribly sad and trying experience of my life. Despite all of this going on, I still managed one primitive camping trip with friends and a weekend cabin getaway in the mountains with the crew including Josh. On this trip, I remember one day in particular that was filled with serious fun and boys body surfing the river. We also further reconnected with more of Josh's local family and met his newest second cousin, Madelyn. She is beautiful!

August
I was still recovering from my miscarriage and still bleeding as we prepared ourselves for a trip to Hawaii. The trip itself was magical and we talk about it every other week, at least. It is still an idea in the back of our heads that we could take a year off from our lives and live there while I teach and Josh.....cleans pools? We haven't figured his part out yet. Coming back from Hawaii, we resumed nutty schedules. Josh tried to make up for work he'd missed while I tried to ready an empty room for 30 5 year olds.

September
I officially started teaching at Green Lake. I bonded with a whole new batch of adorable kids and the job literally consumed every waking hour. I immediately connected with a new coworker and to this day feel like I couldn't be nearly as pleased with going to work each day if it wasn't for her! I think this was also the month that I joined a bowling league with 3 friends. Monday night bowling became a ritual. A very fun ritual that went on for 3 months. Last but not least, we took a hot air balloon ride over Woodinville! It was a great experience and we had perfect weather. I felt very lucky to have the chance to do this.

October
In October, there was more of the same from September. The only thing that stands out is that Josh got us kicked out of our house by telling the landlord she was a crazy psycho bitch. She really is, but it was not a great plan to tell her this. We were on the frantic hunt for a move within a two week period. Luckily, because she's crazy, she told us we didn't have to move out anymore. I still think it would be a good idea, but it's cheaper for us to stay and we really do like our house. This is still in progress... We also dressed up for Halloween. I was an alley cat and Josh was a heavy metal rocker. We partied in Ballard pubs with Nikki and Dan and some Portland peeps.

November
Josh went to Fort Wayne for a week in November. Then we had Thanksgiving dinner with friends at Danielle's. We took the rest of the long weekend off in Missoula, Montana where we hiked with Lulu and were generally just lazy and silly. It was one of the best trips we've ever taken.

December
In December, we went to a bad sweater party where Josh took second place. I also had a work happy hour celebration with coworkers. At the end of the month, we went to LA to see Josh's immediate family and celebrate Christmas with them. His brother made sure I had a horrible time, but the visit gave me a better understanding of Josh's past and how it might be for me to be related to his mom and brother one day. We decided any subsequent trips to LA will involve us renting a hotel room and car so we don't have to be dependent on his family. We also decided we would spend next Christmas with my family since we had spent the last 3 with his. Upon our return (as in the same day we got off the plane!) we celebrated another Christmas with Josh's local family with whom we reconnected on Easter and saw again in July. I met two more second cousins, one who is 4 and one who is 7. As suspected, we became fast friends. I am even sporting the resulting pink and purple patterned manicure from that night as I type. In December, I was also awarded a fellowship to join scientists on an expedition studying mammals in Nova Scotia in April!!* To ring in 2010, Josh and I plan to hang out with friends at Luau in Tangletown, but that is yet to come.

There were other things that happened this year--other outings, friend experiences, events, etc....but those that I listed are the things I thought of first. I admit I had to go through my archives as well as photos on flickr to match up the correct months with a lot of them! Now that I've recorded them, I'll reread them and reflect on how they've changed me and what I'd like to recreate or build upon in 2010. Happy New Year!!!

* more details to come

Today

Today...
I miss my boyfriend.
I am hanging out with Vicky downtown.
I am going to bake something from my new Agave cookbook.
I am seeing a movie with Todd.
I appreciate my life.

ETA (at midnight)
Today...
I missed my boyfriend's hugs and kisses.
I hung out with Vicky downtown and had a blast. See video here.
I did not bake anything, but I vacuumed the house.
I saw a movie with Katrina and Kathleen.
I appreciated my life.

stuff

Josh leaves tomorrow for a full week. Despite the fact that I don't see him too terribly much during the work week, I am sad about this. I will miss him! I'm also freaked out about being a single parent. Our ability to care for a dog really rests on the fact that he has such a flexible schedule. He's really the main caregiver because he's typically home by mid-afternoon. I'm lucky to get home by 7 and I frequently have other evening commitments that have me gone til 9:30/10. I'm particularly freaked out because I have Parent Teacher conferences til 8 on Thurs and Friday night with no ability to come home before then. Our dogwalker only comes M, W, F and it's in the mornings. Oh well, I'll figure something out. Either ask the dogwalker to add a day and come later....or....ask Nikki for help??

I am going to a coffee benefit with Josh when he gets home from work. Then brunch and the dog park followed by some shopping and a movie. We're making the most of his last day home. Tomorrow I'll be home all day writing my fellowship to go on a science expedition. I should have brought home report cards, but I wasn't thinking. Either that, or I subconciously thought the absence of them would make for a more pleasant weekend. Which it does. :) We know what I'll be doing next weekend, though..... Fun times.

Before I go, I need to document something for my files of "Holy crap I'm so glad I switched schools!" I had a fabulous evaluation meeting on Tuesday in which my principal told me I was an amazing teacher and she is so grateful to have me. Then on Thursady, when I dropped my class off at Art, the Art teacher stopped me and said, "You are a wonderful addition to this school. We are so glad to have you here." It's like I'm making this stuff up. But I'm not!! Talk about a world apart from the last few years! Every teacher deserves to feel this appreciated.

Oh, drunky mcdrunkerson should not post. It's the same thing as drunk dialing, you know. Worse, though, because it's available for viewing for a long time to come. I could delete that last post, but I'd rather just leave it as a reminder that I can be incredibly emotional and irrational when under the influence.

The big thing driving my last post was Josh's announcement that his trip to Indiana this Sunday for a week will allow him to truly determine if he wants to move back there or not. I am getting tired of his inconsistencies and lack of commitment to things. I know he's committed to me, but he needs to figure out what he wants aside from me and commit to it and after he does that (a feat in itself) I don't know if I'll want to fit myself into that scheme. I'm not moving to Indiana anyway. I know that with every fiber of my being. I love what I'm able to do in my job and I know I can really only do those things because of the community in which I live. If my priorities in my work change, I'll be able to consider other locales. For now, though, I'm set.

Some of my friends are also a huge impetus for that last drunken display. A few of them have been driving me nuts lately. That night in particular, I came to find out that one of them has been mad at me for the past 2 months, because she thinks I've been mad at her. Two of our mutual friends have been aware that I'm out of the loop, but they've only been fueling the fire in her mind in further believing I'm upset with her. What the hell? This middle school drama is not supposed to be happening at this late date in my life. Also, I am left feeling disappointed in my choice of friends and my naivete in trusting people. I have done what I can to smooth things over with the initial friend, although I still know my ability to trust her is changed forevermore due to her inability to talk to me about things from the start. I am now left wondering how I will pursue things with the mutual friends who have shown they don't have my best interest at heart. I would love to push a button that just puts a curtain between me and things like this and walk away quietly, but that is not life and I know it.

I got a lot of work done today on my "day off", though there is still more to be done. I have been wanting to bake something, but I don't want to put real clothes on to go to the store. I'm just too LAZY. I am beginning to realize I eat so poorly because I hate grocery shopping, cooking, and sitting down to eat. I would rather just have cereal for breakfast, canned soup for lunch, and take out for dinner. "Whatever is fastest and easiest" is pretty much my motto.

I wish we had Wednesday off every week. I've been spreading myself thin and this required break from the norm is good for me. I hope others are able to take advantage of this today, too. We could all use a break.

Optimistic Drunk

Even though I've had too much wine as a result of Angela's dinner party and it's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning on a school night, I've come to the realization that these things need to be accepted, starting tomorrow when I am sober:

I will need to find a new place of my own by the end of the month

I will need to start online dating again

I will not be having babies anytime soon, despite my old age of 34 1/2 (almost)

I will not be settling down with a life partner anytime soon

I will need to say goodbye to someone I've loved for some time

I will be working on buying my own home alone

I will need to start taking care of myself and avoiding becoming a fat, slovenly hermit

Please, internet friends, help me achieve these goals. Good night.

P.S. Laura and Ted just bought a house and tonight I found out they are 3 months pregnant. YAY!

P.P.S. I found out Sharonne had to be forced to come to brunch on Saturday because she didn't want to see me. I am not sad about this. I am annoyed and I feel less enamored with her than ever before.

P.P.P.S. I want to go to Cancun in February.

Good night now for real.

Kinder Babble

Me:"So, let's stretch out our words when we write them today. Listen for all the sounds you hear when you say the words. I'm going to write, 'We went to see the U.S.S. Arizona.' Who can help me spell 'We'?"

Excited Kindergarten boy raises hand and I call on him.

Kindergartner: "Oh! I know this! 'W'..." (waits for me to write W). "I" (waiting for me to write 'I' as I hesitate). "And another I after you write that."

WII. Oh, but of course.

up to date

Nikki is coming over in 15 minutes and we're going to a Pizza joint to meet some of my co-workers for trivia. I am glad to be able to go, but wish I was seeing some of my favorite people there. Trivia is pretty fun, but it's more fun with the people I love. I count Nikki as one of them, so that's something to celebrate. I just always want it all!

I am feeling kind of glum because I was just looking at some cute photos of someone's baby and another person's wedding and it always puts me in the mode of "Man, they're so lucky. I wish I had that." I know a photo is a captured second of someone's life and doesn't represent the whole "picture" (har har), but I always find myself imagining that it's a representation of every second in their lives. If only life really were one happy picture after another...

School has been really manageable lately, which is a nice break from the overwhelmingness of previous weeks. Feeling healthier really helps make things feel easier. I've been enjoying my kids so much. They are so darn cute. Even the ones that drive me nuts make my days worthwhile.

Still no idea where I'll be moving. I noticed that our landlord placed an ad for our place, saying it will be available Dec.1. While she hasn't said a word about it to us, that date suits me just fine. Josh actually wishes it was Nov. 1 just so we could be in a better situation sooner, but that date would be freaking me out. I can't look for and find a new home, pack and move and clean this place to my satisfaction within a week and some change. That's nuts. He's very unrealistic with things at times, I find. Is this a man-ism, or just him? I think I give him a lot of leeway sometimes by blaming his less pleasant characteristics and behaviors on man-isms. Like how he went off on the landlord in the first place. *groan*

The days are getting shorter and the nights longer. This will all be sped up by the adoption of the time change this weekend. I am really dreading it. In Seattle, due to our Latitude, I think, it gets dark around 5 in the winter. The bonus is that it gets dark around 10 in the summer, but I'd rather be middle of the road year round than living in such light and dark extremes each season. Darkness makes me tired and unmotivated. I don't need any help in that area when it's so chilly outside to boot! It's going to be a netflix happy winter, I do believe...

venting novella

Well, we're moving. After living in our house for just over 2 years and going back and forth on the idea of finding a new place, the decision has been made (for us). I've been thinking this was a good idea for quite some time, but it has always felt easier to just accept that our landlord situation isn't ideal and ignore the irritations we've felt because moving is so stressful. But Josh finally lost it on her and now we've been asked to leave.

*heavy sigh*

When we first moved in, we knew our landlord was a little "different". She told us WAY too much personal information beginning with our first meeting: about her husband whom she married for the benefits who didn't live here but who would visit on occassion, about her boyfriends (current and past), about her son who had been in and out of jail, and about her dogs who all suffered from medical or emotional issues. Despite the fact that we knew she would be occupying the mother-in-law below our home, we moved in because we liked the house and the neighborhood and, honestly, because we just couldn't find anything else of which I could approve. She would continue to invade our personal space by sharing too many details about her personal life whenever we had the misfortune of running into her on the front steps or in the front yard, boyfriends would come and go, her "husband" would come and go at all hours of the day and night, they would fight and sometimes the police would even come, but still we tolerated it for a long time. Her dogs would be left alone in her place for days at a time and they would yap/bark incessantly. There were mornings I would wake up to that and scream in frustration. We should have moved. I know.

Then the dryer stopped working. Our landlord seemed irritated that we told her about this and she simply said, "Well, it always worked for me when I lived there." (She had her own washer/dryer in her unit.) It was temperamental so we accepted that we would just have to live it working on and off. Then she would have people come to our home to do remodeling. We would rarely receive notice about this, so I began to grow accustomed to people just showing up. Then the people she would hire would start knocking on our door (she had a separate entrance) asking for payment and telling us she wouldn't return their phone calls. Josh would get really pissed about this, understandably, but we never confronted her. We should have moved. I know.

Over a year ago, our dishwasher stopped working and we complained, but again she said, "Well it always worked for me." She also told us when we moved in that the dishwasher was the original (Which is obvious. It's very 1960's retro, which I do like.) The lady is clearly on another planet, so I didn't push the issue. We just started doing all the dishes by hand. This wears on you though, and the sink piles up really quickly when we're both busy which drives us both nuts. We should have moved out. I know.

Last year, we seriously started looking at new places and then Josh and I started having differences and considered living apart, so we started looking at places of our own. But then we decided to stay together and we abandoned the idea of moving because he was working on building his business and I was stressed out in my job. Suddenly, like a gift from baby Jesus, she started talking about moving out. We thought this was the answer to our prayers. Things would be so much better without her here! And we were right to some degree. At least now we don't have to deal with her dogs or her husband and their drama or her rotating boyfriends. But we didn't take into account that she was still our landlord and we would have to rely on her to fix things that broke. Josh even ended up fixing the dryer himself by removing the dryer duct and cleaning it out. It was so built up in there, it's lucky the house didn't burn down. Which reminds me, she did almost burn down our house once when she left a chicken cooking for too long while she was gone from the house. I came home to the smoke alarms going off in her part of the house and had to call the fire department. When they broke open the door to her place, smoke came gushing out in waves. Our house smelled like fire for days. We should have moved. I know.

A leaking bathtub, basement flooding damaging our luggage, ...the list is actually quite extensive....

Anyway, finally we'd had enough with the dishwasher issue and we told her it needed to be fixed NOW. Ever since she moved out, she's been living in a trailer on her ex-hsuband's property where her adult son also resides. Her son has been pretty responsive if he's around when we complain about something. Sure enough, she told us to expect a delivery on Saturday between noon and 4. So I stayed home on Saturday much to my chagrin. At around 2, the dishwasher guy shows up from Home Depot and says, "I can't install it. The current dishwasher is too far from the sink in its current configuration. You'll need a plumber and probably a contractor. Well, of course I knew the dishwasher was NOT going to ever be installed because she would never consent to spending that kind of money. When the delivery guy called her to relay all of this, she said, "Well just leave the new one there." I said, "Wait; hold up. Can I talk to her please?" I told her there was no point in leaving the dw here based on what he said and she told me, "Oh he doesn't know what he's talking about. I'll have my family members put it in." I called Josh then and relayed this to him. When he got home, he told me he had called her and told her exactly how he felt on her voicemail. "Oh my god, no", was the first thought from my brain. I told him that was NOT a good idea and then I got filled with anxiety. Josh does not have the filter that I have. He does not have a "calming mechanism". In the heat of the moment, Josh says whatever is on his mind. No holding back. I felt sick worrying about the ramifications.

Ramifications arrived at 5:06 pm today when she finally returned his phone call. I immediately heard yelling on her end and Josh promptly yelled at her in response. Name calling ensued. I kept pleading, "Calm Calm Calm", as though that would magically make them become rational adults. I finally had to walk away because I was ready to pull the phone out of his hands and end the call. Josh came to me after the phone call and said, "We have until the end of the year and then we have to move out." I started to tell him how I felt when his phone rang. It was her son. Within a minute, Josh and he were in a full on accusation match, both of them started cursing and Josh began calling him a loser for having been in and out of jail. The jail part is factual info, known to us because of the landlord's poor judgment in telling us way too much personal information all the time. Still, it had no place in a conversation about the dishwasher or any other conversation for that matter. Josh was just trying to put him down. I was in disbelief. I kept saying, "Just hang up" so finally he did. I was incredulous and speechless. Before I could say anything, the phone rang again. I said, "Give me the phone." He did. The son began and I interrupted and said, "Look, this has all gotten way out of control." He agreed and we continued to discuss the situation. He was very calm and well-spoken and I told him that I cannot justify Josh's behavior, but I wanted him (son) to know the basis of Josh's emotions. I talked about how things in the house hadn't been done like they should have, how she would violate our rights as her tenants by having people come over come into our home to do work without notice, and how people would harass us for money for work she wouldn't pay for. He talked a lot about how he had tried very hard to respond to our concerns as soon as he heard of them and I thanked him for that but also told him that he is not our landlord and it's not his responsibility. I told him that I am very uncomfortable with everything that's happened in the last 2 days and think that it's the best thing to dissolve our relationship. He said he thought that it would be best if we started looking for a new place right away, but that it was his mother's call and he would have her call me to tell us what she would like us to do. He knows she gave us to the end of the year but that has probably changed. For my sake, I know I need to leave as soon as possible and go somewhere I can live comfortably and peacefully without fear of backlash. After I got off the phone with the son, I took a few moments to hold my head in my hands and breathe. I then went back into the house and told Josh how disappointed I was in his behavior. I told him I know he has over 2 years of animosity built up, but this was not the way to handle it and especially because it affected me as well as him. He apologized and I could tell by his demeanor that he was sorry for what had happened. I know he can't actually guarantee his future behavior, but I asked him to promise me something like this would never happen again. He quickly and adamantly agreed. Of course, all that is mute right now. The current situation is something that still has my nerves all jittery and I'm beyond stressed about adding finding a new place to live, packing, and actually moving to my list of October duties. On top of all of this, I am so MAD at Josh for behaving like this, I am disappointed that we can't use this as a former residence referral, and I'm really worried about coming up with first month's rent, last month's rent and a deposit for a new place that will also accommodate Lulu. *scream* We should have moved. I know.

The house hunt begins now.

Falling for Fall

It was such a beautiful day today! So warm and sunny....yet crisp and full of rainbow colored trees. And I had so much fun. Josh and I had brunch at Maltby and then we checked out an antique store. Josh hates shopping and I don't like to go antiquing on my own, but when we shop at an antique store together, we both have fun. After that, we went for our annual pumpkin hunt at Craven Farm in Snohomish. It was a beautiful day for a drive and even more beautiful for a tromp in a pumpkin patch. I got some farm-fresh salsa and unsweetened apple butter to go with our family of pumpkins.


See? There's Josh, Lulu, and me!

We stopped at Mud Bay on the way home and I tried some things on Lulu, like this adorable fleece and corduroy coat:




She rocked it like no other, but it was a splurge buy I wasn't willing to make. Another day.

Now we have laundry to tackle and I have some things to do for school. I want to ignore it all and watch Earth, the Disney movie that just came out on DVD and snuggle with Josh on the couch. I might find a way to do it all. We'll see. First step: Get off the computer!

Sicko

The last couple of days, I have sounded like this: *sniff* *sniff* *blow* *cough* *blow* *cough* (and repeat)

Tonight, I sound mostly like this: *cough* *cough* *clear throat* *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* *clear throat* *cough* *moan*

I'm finally draining, but it's resulting in lots of coughing and throat clearing and...well...I'd like to be done. I can stand the vice on my head. I can stand the plugged and popping ears. I can even stand the nose blowing even though my nose is so tender and sore now. I just can't stand the coughing and throat clearing. It hurts my throat and every time I cough, my head pounds. I'm pretty sure Josh is going to make me sleep on the porch tonight to allow for a quiet night's rest.


I ran a bunch of errands today, even though I should have stayed in bed. I rested all day yesterday and it drove me to near insanity. Also, there was much I needed to accomplish before work tomorrow. When I went to grab my photos and sharpies at Target, I also browsed the clothing. I am at a loss for what is going on with fashion these days. I hated everything I saw. It was either boring, ugly, or made of hihghly flammable material. I don't want to wear clothing that might set my body to flames just by walking near a heater, do you? Who are they making these things for? Considering I was risking the healing process to browse the clothing section, I was pretty bummed.

I went to a really good Sustainability/Service Learning symposium on Friday. I want to post about it. But right now I just want to be knocked out so I will no longer feel the need to cough or throat clear. My friend Nyquil and I are going to bed soon. I HAVE to go to school tomorrow. I took off Thursday and Friday for the training and symposium, so I can't leave my kids with another sub. It was hard enough to leave them for 2 days. Fingers crossed, I'll be healthier tomorrow.

quickie

I have things to say, but no energy to post. I did just read on my friend Lily's blog, though, that she is managing the housework by doing something I wish I had thought of last summer when I wasn't working: She is setting the timer every morning for 30 minutes and focusing on one room of the house during that time. That's such a great idea, in my opinion, and something I wanted to pass on to my readers who are stay at home moms or unwillingly unemployed. I always make it a requirement to clean everything at once, which is overwhelming and miserable-sounding. As such, it rarely gets done as regularly as it should.

I have 2 days of meetings and trainings to attend. I worked 12 hours today teaching and just trying to get everything prepped for the subs. And still I have to be downtown at 8 am tomorrow. Just another confirmation that teaching... is hard.

Before I close, I'll say that Hot Yoga was awesome and Josh even loved it. We're going back tomorrow night, most likely. I was a little overambitious and feel like I overextended my back, but I'll be more conservative next session. The sweating was intense, but I, surprisingly, loved it. I recommend it to all.

30 Meal Magic

I started a project my friend Shannon posted and found on this blog. You put 30 meal recipes that are "tried and true" on notecards and bind them with a metal ring. This way you can have 30 meals to rotate and choose from for dinners that are easy to access, easy to shop for, and guaranteed to get eaten! Our family is small, but we typically "run out" of things to make and get bored with our options very quickly. Thus, we end up eating out A LOT. This is expensive and highly caloric. I'm anxious to have a quick and easy resource to turn to. So far, I've come up with 12 entrees, 5 or 6 sides, and 5 or so desserts along with 4 or 5 dressings and marinades. I'm splitting the four categories on my notecards, coding them 4 different colors and also trying to make a table that helps identify the ingredients I need to buy to make the dishes, organized by where I might find them in the store to make shopping easier. That last part is the one that's taking up a lot of time. I might not get that finished as quickly as my 30 meal notecards. To celebrate my project, I'm going to try to post a recipe from it every now and again. Please keep in mind that I'm a dietary anomaly. I don't eat any meat other than fish, I am allergic to dairy, and I have insulin resistance meaning my foods need to be low on the glycemic index. Essentially, that means low in sugar and void of white potatoes, white flour and fried foods. And with that sidenote, I present you with one of our favorite entrees that is quick and super easy:

Mexican Sloppy Joe's

1 package soy chorizo
1 jar cactus, chopped
1 can tomatillo verde sauce
½ yellow onion, chopped
Olive Oil
1 package corn tortillas

Cook onion on medium high in small amount of olive oil
Combine 3 remaining ingredients in pan with onion, heat on medium high
Heat tortillas in microwave

Place 3 tortillas on each plate, place a helping of mix on each tortilla.

Variation(s):
Use real chorizo sausage, cooking meat before adding remaining ingredients
Add cheese as garnish

Side option(s):
Nicaraguan Salsa
Black beans, refried, blended or whole

Nicaraguan Salsa

½ yellow onion
1 large tomato
1 avocado
Lemon juice
Pepper

Chop top 3 ingredients, place in bowl
Add lemon juice to taste
Add salt and pepper to taste
Mix

When my friend Kat first made nopales (cactus) for me, I didn't know what I was in for! But you know what? It's yummy! And it's precooked and marinated so it's ready to go in any latino recipe! It's usually available in the ethnic aisle of the grocery store. If you have a large latino community in your city, you can usually find nopales in a mexican store as well, for less. Enjoy!

counting sheep in broad daylight

There is an exhaustion within me currently that is so deep within my muscles and my mind. I can't explain it any better than that. I don't understand it, but all I want to do right now is lay very still and allow myself to drift off into a deep sleep.

But I can't.

It's Sunday and that means it's necessary to prepare for the upcoming week by completing housework, running errands, and paying bills. Yuck.

I am even more limited on time to complete these tasks today because we have a very special evening planned. We are going on a hot air balloon ride! This is something we have been planning to do for nearly 2 years and we've simply been too busy to put the plans into place. Finally, finally we are going and it's a beautiful day for it. I kind of got into an argument with the pilot this morning, though, so we are a bit worried that this could affect our good time. I might be wrong, and I hope I am. He was charging us more money than we should have been charged and Josh only admitted the charge to me this morning. He said the Pilot told him it was necessary for the time slot they had available, but according to their website, the price should not change based on the time slot. He was very surprised that I was calling him on it and insisted it was agreed upon when the appointment was made. Thing is, Josh didn't know the details on the website, so he couldn't argue it. He said, if I wanted to cancel, I would have had to call on Friday to do so. Josh only just told me about it today, so that wasn't possible. We agreed to "split the difference", which in this guy's lingo meant requiring us to still pay more than we should, but less than he told Josh. There is little I can do about it all because the guy has Josh's CC number. If I cancel, he'll charge the full amount. So we're going. But Josh and I are both kind of in a poor mood about it, which sucks. I'm sure the Pilot is in a crap mood too and will likely be awkward with us on the flight but I am determined to have a good time and THEN write a bad review online and call the BBB. Because seriously, no one should be paying over $400 for something and be in a bad mood for the whole experience. It just isn't right.

Tomorrow, our bowling league starts. I am looking forward to being silly with girlfriends. I had hoped to get my own ball, but I realize that would be yet another thing I would need to donate to goodwill in time. I am not and never will be a real bowler.

Tuesday, I start hot yoga class and ...don't tell the masculine club of America, but... Josh will be going with me! I convinced him to give it a try. His work is so physical and he has pains and aches in his back, leg and hip pretty frequently. Owning and running a business is a stressful endeavor, too. Yoga--hot yoga, especially--will be a great opportunity for him to feel some physical and emotional relief. I made him promise to do 10 classes. We'll see if he commits!

Road Runner Reverie

I feel overwhelmed. I'm at school every night til 6:30/7 working and making check-in phone calls to parents- a requirement of teachers at the start of the year. Some of these parents want to talk for 30 minutes!! At this rate, I'll never complete my calls. Tomorrow night is a PTA meeting, Wed is staff meeting and Thursday is curriculum night (aka Back to School Night). I'll be getting home at 9 each night and the planning I have to get done for Thursday night alone is driving me a little wonky. I'm so tired and I can't get to sleep with my brain on overdrive.

To add to the lull, (ha), Josh is saying the good ol', "I think about moving back to Fort Wayne" stuff again. Dude, are you for real?!?! I am so spread thin, I finally just said, "Well, maybe you should." I know he means "us" and "we" but that doesn't work for me. I said, "You go and let me know how it is and we'll talk more then." I mean, cause really... I think he'd move there and in 2 months, be, like, "Let's go back." I'm too old for that. And no offense to those of you in Fort Wayne, but I just cannot even imagine. What would I do? How would I survive? I don't think he could either anymore, but I know how his mind works and it's very impulsive. His main reasoning is something I'll leave for another post. 'Cause I just don't get it. Maybe one of you can help me understand it when I take the time to explain. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing straight. I have to go make the effort to fall asleep now. Nighty night.

tie red

What a week! I am dead. I had a good week but I am busier than I ever thought I could be this early into the year!

Cute Kindergarten moment: Yesterday, I assessed the kids in their "writing", which looks like pictures right now of course. I gave them a three page booklet and asked them to write a story about someone who is important to them. I wandered around the room, taking dictation to add words to their stories. Most kids had written about mom or dad; some had written about a friend or a cousin. I stopped at Madeline's desk and she had filled all three pages with the same person. I said, "Tell me your story!" She said, "Well, that's you." My heart melted. Who says I don't get paid enough?! That's worth more than money.

I am really enjoying my kids. It's an incredible amount of work, but it's truly the way a school should be. Things aren't perfect, but they are leaps and BOUNDS better than the years I worked in inner city schools. I hate that I'm only 20 minutes north of the South End and in such a different, far better world, but that's the reality of public education. It's not fair.

We're going to Maura and Dan's wedding tomorrow and Josh freaked out when I reminded him of it. We went tonight to the Rack to get him a new shirt and tie and he said, "You owe me one, honey. You gave me absolutely no notice to get clothes for this thing." Um, excuse me? You were with me when I opened the invitation, which has since been posted on the fridge that you open every day. He continued to remind me of how he was getting clothes on such sort notice as though this would somehow justify why he could take up all of my time helping him find things when I actually need to find something for myself. *eyeroll* Thank god I'm good at ignoring him when he ridiculousness comes out of his mouth. We did find him a sharp shirt, a $170 tie for $30 and cufflinks. What a score with that tie, yeah? And omg, ARE YOU KIDDING ME on that original price???? Who would ever pay that for a tie? Seriously.

I'm going to hit Macy's in the morning for something and if I don't find anything I have my Hawaii Luau dress as backup. Josh doesn't think it's wedding appropriate, but I think I'm too exhausted and poor to agree with him. We'll see what I come across tomorrow. Nothing like the last minute!

Nutcase

I forgot to post my new helmet!



Cute, right?! I love it. I wanted to get a roller derby helmet, but when I admitted why I was getting it at the Roller Derby store, they told me their helmets did not meet safety guidelines as bike helmets. :( Sad. This style was the closest I could find that was made for bikes and didn't give me "penis head".

I love that it says "Nutcase" on the front.

I don't think I ever posted it here, but I did get that bike I was talking about before. We still haven't painted her but I am really pleased with her. Once painted, I'll post pics.

1 down, 44 to go

My first week (only 3 days with kids) is over and I'm POOPED! My Kinders are cute, but I can't help but keep comparing them to my Kinders in the inner city. They are definitely not as mature (understandable as they are coddled so much by mom and dad), but they come with less issues. I wouldn't say their needs are less, considering the sun rises and sets with these kiddos, but their needs are different. Even those that aren't only children act like they are: expecting that I should be able to tend to each one of them continuously. I feel drained by that, but I am working very hard on "training" them to share, work as a group, and care about how their actions affect others.

I am slowly beginning to understand that many of the teachers at my school are also sheltered in the sense that they've never really worked anywhere else. They haven't had to explore different ways of doing things and seem to be content with never trying anything new. This is frustrating to me because I, having worked in many different schools and with different demographics, can see lots of flaws with certain routines and instead of accepting them, I want to offer alternatives and solutions. They seem to think things aren't worth trying to change or don't even see them as problems or archaic ways of thinking. Unfortunately, being the new kid on the block, I don't really have a voice that's "allowed" to offer suggestions for change. I'm doing a lot of biting my tongue and, figuratively speaking, I just hope it doesn't start to bleed.

I slept til 11 am today, and I still feel like I could use a nap. I know I'll get more used to the energy drain in time. I just hope I don't get sick in the process! There is so much fear about contracting the H1N1 virus that I am seriously considering getting the shot when it comes out. I've never gotten a flu shot before, and I'm really wigged out about the thought of possibly getting ill as a result of getting it. Since a vaccine is giving you a small strain of the virus that it's vaccinating you against, there's a great probability I'll be sick right afterwards. Sounds like NO FUN.

I am going to Maura's bachelorette party tonight. I think it will be fun, but I'm not 100% on that since the group of girls attending often has me yawning. That's a horrible thing to say, I know, but it's the truth. Last night, we got to go see WICKED again. The touring cast could not compare to the cast we saw in LA, but I still enjoyed it. Josh and I were both so tired though, we came straight home afterwards and crashed. We were supposed to go for dinner after, but I was too exhausted to even consider eating. He's headed off to Port Townsend for "guy time" with Alan and to attend the Wooden Boat Festival. I think I'm headed off for a snooze on the couch before I have to get ready for the party. It's a shame I'm so tired because we are having beautiful summer weather this weekend and I should really go to the beach or at least a bike ride to take advantage. Maybe tomorrow....

ear rit tay shun

Irresponsible people
Bills
Last minute changes
Fair weathered friends
Inconsiderate people
12-hour work days

These things are bothering me to a LARGE degree right now and I just want to be able to brush it off....but dammit if being exhausted doesn't make that even harder!!!

I am just overworked and overtired. Kindergarten Open House today. First day of school next Wednesday. I still have to work full time (overtime) right now, but kids don't arrive til 9/9. I do like my kids a lot. They are all white, or close enough, but that is the only "problem" I can foresee. Only one of them won't talk to me. And only 6 of them haven't met me yet. Out of 28, that's pretty good. I hope a couple of those 6 no-shows end up withdrawing. I gained 2 and lost one today, leaving me with a whopping 28. I know things are still not even set in stone. By the first day, I could have many more changes. It always wows me when people don't prepare for this year. Last year I got new students well into the second week of school. It's such a huge deal that your child is starting school! I mean, isn't it?? For me it would be!

Josh and I are scheduled to go camping this weekend with Nikki and Dan. Sharonne and Vicky were supposed to go too, but they totally flaked. It makes me feel weird how it happened. They both canceled at the same time with the same lame excuse: the drive is too long for such a short stay. It doesn't make sense to me, because neither of them was going to drive--they were getting rides from me and Nikki--and we are scheduled to camp for 3 nights. That isn't a long stay? Were they expecting a week camping trip?? I don't understand that. I don't understand it when friends "team up" either. They aren't a couple. They don't live together. So why the same cancellation excuse and why cancel together? And both of them texted it and said, "Don't be mad at us." Obviously they think I should be mad at them or why would they have said that? I feel very weird towards them now. I know it's "my issue", but I just wish I felt differently. Hard not to "blame" them for my feeling this way.

I know all of this will feel better once I get some good sleep. I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, go in to school briefly, then leave for my camping trip. I plan to have a great weekend. I hope Josh helps make that dream come true!

circle

I really don't understand this. Just before we left for Hawaii, I was confirmed un-pregnant and given estrogen pills by my doctor for the next 3 months. She said I was at risk of cervical cancer due to my PCOS and these pills would help prevent that from happening. Additionally, she said I would not be getting my period while on them. After bleeding for 6 weeks straight, that was music to my ears! Well, guess what? I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding heavily. And it hurts! Damn Damn Damn. I am so upset about this! I basically go back to work full time again starting Monday and I just can't fathom dealing with any more health issues on top of that. I am so sad again. I just want to be okay. Why am I not okay??? All of these things are rushing through my mind: Is this something I should be alarmed about? Am I going to have to have a hysterectomy? Am I never going to be able to have a baby? And then it just hit me that I'm old. I mean, I'm really OLD. Maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but in the baby-making, get your life straightened out, figure out what you want in life sense I certainly am. Yes, biological-clock speaking, I am old. I never would have predicted I would be living as flittingly, free-willingly as I do now at this age. I could just smack myself thinking how un-seriously I'm taking my life at this age. I'm supposed to be tied down, dammit! Okay, now I'm laughing at myself. God, I really am a mess.

I had a dream last night about my high school best friend, a male, whom I haven't seen since '97 maybe. He and I messed around in high school, but we were steadfast friends and that's what made our relationship so strong. Well, last night I had a sex dream about him. I've never done that before and it was really intense. In the photos I've seen of him on Facebook, he looks entirely different now and of course I dreamt him as he looked back then. I remember feeling like I'd been waiting for this forever. I was filled with anticipation. Then, when I woke up in the dream, I realized I didn't remember any of it. He was still there with me in bed, but I guess we'd been drinking too much the night before so I couldn't remember how it was. I was so disappointed! When I awoke in real life, Josh was cuddling me close and playing with my hair. I felt so guilty but I also felt like I didn't want him to be touching me. I wanted to go back to my dream. Hm. I don't know what it all means, but I did send my friend an email. It was one sentence. It said, I had an emotion-filled dream about you last night. I made the subject "angelfish" because in my dream he had an angelfish tattoo on his back. Which is funny. The last time we were in LA, I almost met up with him and I was curious if there would be anything "there" when I saw him. I was nervous about the meetup and certainly knew I would need to see him alone. Well, he ended up never calling me to make the actual date, so I never did see him. We never talked about it, though we have Facebook messaged since then. I suppose I was concerned we might have been thinking the same thing and I felt dishonest towards Josh about it. When I awoke from my dream, however, I crazily thought I ought to make sure I see him, and soon, to make sure I'm not "supposed" to be with him. I have since woken up more and think it's ludicrous, but I guess if I'm writing about all of this I do still have an inkling of curiosity in the back of my mind. This too shall pass, I'm sure.

Room 5

We finally finished assessing and this is my new class line up for this year:

Aaliyah
Alex
Amelia
Augustus
Caroline
Cheyenne
Dylan
Enzo
Gwen
Hailey
Isabel
Jackson
Johann
Josie (Josephine)
Layne
Lincoln
Lucas
Madeline
Mac (McAlister)
Marcus
Milo
Nelson
Saoirse (pronounced Sir-sha)
Seamus (pronounced Shay-mis)
Sophia
Sophie
Syth (pronounced Scythe)
Zak (Zakry)
Zoe

I started out with a Madeline and a Madelyn as well as 2 Josephines and 2 Jacks, but I traded so I could have a different name for each child. I always shared my name with another or 2 or 3. I really hated it. I want each of my kids to feel unique!

I can't believe how many kids I have. Too many. I don't even have enough desks. Our school will have 90 Kindergartners this year. That's nuts. Truly.

I am almost done with my room! Pictures coming soon.....

Progress

I went into school today for the miniscule amount of time between the end of the seminar and the time they closed up the building, and I think I accomplished a lot. There is still LOADS to do, but I actually was able to get it looking like a functional classroom. The desks are in order, at least. Also, my rockstar boyfriend went to Home Depot and got me an 8'x4' piece of showerboard to serve as a whiteboard and delivered it to my room. I had to deal with chalk for the last 3 years and I was finally able to get a "whiteboard" so I don't have to go nuts over the incredible amount of dust that accumulates, the itchy hands, and breaking pieces of chalk as I am writing. I have wanted a dry erase board for years, but have never been lucky enough to land a classroom with one pre-installed. I researched online and it turns out shower board works. The board, 3 clamps to hold it up, and Kaboom cleaner (the recommended cleaner) ran less than $20. An actual white board, measuring 2 feet less in width, retails for $250. The only drawback is that the marker doesn't come off as well. By November, I might have fallen out of love with it because of the "ghosting" issue, but I'm hopeful this advanced cleaner he picked up will help with that effect. I won't be able to get in to my classroom again til Monday, as the school will open and close during the last day of my seminar tomorrow. I'll be there bright and early Monday morning, though, to get jumpstarted before the first Kindergartner arrives to be pre-assessed for the new year! It will be a cute day. A 5-year old meeting you for the first time as their new teacher is pretty darn priceless.

I think I found a bike for myself! I wanted a cruiser with at least 7 speeds and fenders for less than $100. I managed to do all of that, I think, except for the price. found a vintage one for $40, but it's on Whidbey Island so it requires me to pay for a ferry ticket both ways and it's been in storage for 15 years so it will need a $50-$60 tuneup, and it will need to be repainted. The paint is supposed to be in good condition, but I don't want a brown bike. I'm not sure if I'll paint it silver or hot pink, but Josh has agreed to help me. Anyway, all the updates and pick up costs are going to drive me over my $100 goal, but I don't think I can find anything cheaper. $40 is pretty darn good. I haven't found anything less than $150 that meets my criteria. The only thing I need to determine is whether or not the bike is the right size for me. I forgot to ask when I called to claim it, so I am waiting for him to return my voicemail and confirm. Just in case, here's the bike as it is now. In other words, these are the BEFORE pictures:

On Defense

Someone I casually knew in High School friended me recently on Facebook. I don't typically reject friend requests unless it is someone I don't know or someone I knew and didn't want to be reacquainted with for one reason or another. Yesterday, she posted a status in which she said she was sad that her son was well-covered under three health insurance plans and other children have to go without any insurance whatsoever. I am also frustrated and angered by the state of our health system in this country. However, from my knowledge and experience (which is admittedly not as great as it could be), I see humans who are not covered by any sort of health plan and falling into a low income bracket to be at a greater advantage to health services than those that are covered within a "middle class" income bracket. This is not to say that I would ever wish lack of coverage upon anyone because I spent many of my own years in that group and was constantly concerned about my well-being. But, again, from my base of knowledge, our health care system is designed for those in destitution as well as those with an ample amount of money. The producers of the movie "Sicko" highlight this idea in detail. Those who are SOL are the ones that make up the greater amount of our society: middle class working individuals and their families.

I posted a response to the status that I saw yesterday, stating my understanding that children without insurance are still served by our system. Is my view an ignorant one? Her mother seemed it was necessary to tell me I was. She made assumptions about my economic status by stating I must rest my head upon satin pillows at night. Needless to say, I was offended. I messaged the hs acquaintance to let her know I was disappointed and insulted and defended my statement from earlier. She emailed me back a lengthy email in which she restated that I was ignorant and went on to state that I was only thinking of my own experience in California. Um..... I don't live in California. That's beside the point, I realize, and I only add that bit to display what I feel is irony in her message. The real issue is that she continued to insult me, then confusingly ended her message with, "I hope we can all be friends". So I defriended her. Perhaps it was immature of me, but Facebook is not a forum in which I choose to debate politics and I was wrong to bite the carrot that dangled before me. I also cannot allow people who think it is appropriate to verbally attack me to be privvy to my private life or my daily doings.

I can't help but let it bug me, though. I always feel that I must have done something wrong and that an attack on my person is something I've invited upon myself. I wish I didn't feel this way, and it's something I definitely need to work on. I don't ever feel confident in my knowledge of a particular topic to debate it out of fear of being attacked. I hate that I show weakness even when I feel I am intelligent enough to add value to a discussion. I know I need to be more educated in politics. I know I need to know all of the facts in order to build my confidence level. I felt I had the knowledge to contribute in the way I did because I have seen firsthand what is done in terms of healthcare for my homeless and foster students. I have been glad to see them well taken care of on that front and feel that I stated factual information, based on my experience and the knowledge I have of our nation's healthcare system. I don't want to feel like "I should have kept it to myself", but I do. There is great importance to openly disagreeing with things you feel are incorrect ways of thinking. You just have to be able to stick out the potential for disappointment and feelings of judgment and that is where I lack.

In other words, I'm playing hooky today and not attending the Institute I've agreed to attend for the week. It has nothing to do with the above situation. I am just feeling burned out by it already. It is designed for Special Ed and General Ed teachers to co-teach in the classroom. The Special Ed teacher from my school was unable to attend this week, so I feel like there is an element of pointlessness in my attending the Institute alone. I have made friends with the Special Ed teachers at a nearby school, but of course that won't help me implement this new teaching model in my own school. Without the Special Ed teacher (not to mention the 2 other gen ed teachers who were supposed to attend), there isn't much point to collaborating. I can't collaborate alone. So I'm thinking of waiting an hour and going to school to do some things in the classroom. If I should run into my Principal there, she'll assume I was at the morning session and I am just at school on the lunch break portion of the conference. I hope.

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Hawaii was, simply put, amazing. I had such a wonderful time basking in the warmth of the magical air. I am really lucky to have been able to go and enjoy myself as I did. Needless to say, Josh and I did not want to come back. I am especially bummed by the reality of having to dive into work early Monday morning. At least it wasn't raining when we returned! So far, the weather has been pretty kind with promises of reaching the 90's again next week.

We got in just after midnight last night and got to bed around 3 am. Josh had to rise not much after that in order to drive down to Portland for a window cleaning conference. I spoke to him on the phone a bit ago and he was really jazzed about having met a lot of the guys in the industry he talks to nation-wide online. It was like one big blind date! I am happy he feels re-energized and motivated about work. Maybe my conference next week will do the same for me??? I can only hope. As of now, I want to run away to Hawaii and hide at the beach with the sea turtles for the next year or 2.

My amazing friend Nikki, founder of the autism awareness organization, Knowledge For People, is a never ending source of fun and good ideas. Today, she called and offered me invites for things upcoming: A burlesque show put on by Rat City Roller Girls, a Labor Day camping excursion, and the opportunity to put together an all-girls' bowling league where we can showcase our ineptitude with the sport! I said yes to all 3. I also organized another trivia night at Prost! on Monday with some of my nearest and dearest. I am definitely trying my darndest to enjoy life on the mainland!

Ah, Hawaii, I miss you.

We are dogsitting Bella this weekend while Todd is up on Vancouver Island with his old flame. It's only fair in exchange for his sitting Lulu while we were gone, but I am wanting to be very selfish and not have to worry about being a good dog mommy right now. I just want to wallow in the mounds of household duties I need to attend to. Laundry and paper organization top the list. Both are taunting me and I keep staring at them, wishing I could make them disappear just by thinking it hard enough.

I spent the better part of the day scouring ads for free things for my classroom. Since it's a new classroom, I don't have any supplies coming with it. I need a play kitchen, a lego set, wooden puzzles, and wooden building blocks. I found a wooden kitchen that isn't really what I want, but it's only $50 and it retails for almost $200. I posted an ad asking for free or low-priced items to cover the rest of the wishlist. I don't know how successful I'll be, but I'm definitely not looking forward to spending tons of my own money to furnish the room. My new school has a pretty wealthy population, but that doesn't increase the funding to our school. I might just have to wait until school starts to ask for tangible donations. I hate to do that, though. I always like having everything ready from the getgo!

I also want to get a bike for myself since my school is so close and it seems silly to drive to work every day. I imagine I'll be driving most days, even with one, but I'd like to have the option. I emailed someone about a purple cruiser they had listed, but I was too late. :( There are other options available, but I really do want a cruiser. It would have to have gears for our insane hills, but I love the way they look and the seats and handlebars are more comfy than a road or mtn bike. I'll just have to keep looking...

Weekend To-Do

Saturday:

Start Laundry
Go to South Target to make returns, get card for Maura
Get Maura's Bridal Shower gift
Stop by Macy's, Torr and Old Navy
Wrap gift
Finish Laundry
Pack
Pack Lulu's overnight bag
Print out Lulu's info
Drop gift off at Colleen's
Pick up Heidi
Pick up Sharonne
Go to Nikki's party
Drink Beer and beat people at ping pong
Take Sharonne and Heidi home
Go to bed

Sunday:

Give Lulu kisses
Go to airport
Check-in
Go through Security Check
Board Plane
Land in Hawaii
Get bags
Get Rental Car
Drive to Kailua
Change into Bathing Suit
Jump in Ocean
Breathe, Smile, and Appreciate Life
Recycle all to-do lists for the next 5 days

Pedis

Pedis, originally uploaded by maus.

Angela toes glammed up!

Sent using iPhone

From Uch to Uch

I wish I could be happy with being fat. Uch.

I went clothes shopping with Ang after getting pedicures and eating yummy Thai for dinner. Maybe it was the Thai, or all the dinners I've eaten this summer, but I appear to have gained beyond my knowledge! I could not rock clothes I have rocked in the past.

Too bad we're going to be in a place where I will be mostly unclothed for the majority of the time. I am going to enjoy myself no matter what, but I do wish I had less of the tummy and backfat and arm fat that I do. I am officially unpregnant now, according to the blood test I did today, and I'm feeling much better, so I guess it's time to get in gear and try to look more how I feel. Need to get disciplined!

The doctor wanted me to get on BCP again, but I refused. No more pills! She convinced me to accept a scrip for progesterone instead, but I am conflicted. I'm supposed to take it for the fact that my PCOS makes me more susceptible to endometrial cancer and putting this hormone into my system that I lack would make me less susceptible. That makes sense. BUT, I initially entered into my PCOS treatment with a Naturopath because I wanted to get my body to a point where I could naturally produce the hormone and lessen my testosterone levels. If I take this progesterone, I can't continue that therapy/process. What to do...what to do...

She is thinking we'll try to get me in a place to try to conceive come November (ie force ovulation), but I don't know if I want that. I will probably aim to wait longer than that. I know my clock is ticking and running low on battery life, but I am not married to Josh and I need to know we want to be married. Having a child with someone is more permanent a life venture than marriage and I know there is a reason marriage is the horse and babies are the cart!

Speaking of Josh, he quit the fire department. Again. He says it's final. I just don't know with him, though. Talk about a man who doesn't know what he wants! Uch.

BugBug

BugBug, originally uploaded by maus.

Today's bug

Sent using iPhone

Vroom Vroom

I awoke about an hour ago to itchy legs and arms and throbbing knees. The itchiness and the throbbing are unrelated but equally as annoying, so I finally got out of bed after lying there scratching and wincing every time I rolled over to try to fall back asleep. I'm not really sure why I'm itching so much. I put anti-itch cream on when I got up. Sometimes, it's because of Lulu. Other times, it's a mystery. Not sure what to blame it on right now. Just wish it would go away.

My knees throbbing are thanks to my efforts to help Josh yesterday. I brought him lunch at this beautiful house he was working at and somehow got roped into cleaning out gutters. They were drain gutters located around the pool, so I had to bend over and kneel like you might do if you were gardening. I did this for 4 hours, which is a major no-no for me. I have always had extra fluid or something joint-related in my knees that prevents me from kneeling for long periods of time. It's a horrible thing to be afflicted with as a Kindergarten teacher because I'm naturally doing a lot of that when I'm helping students at their desks or even talking to them at eye level. It even affects me when riding a bike for long periods of time. I was doing enough up-down that I thought I'd be okay with the work I did for Josh, but apparently I was very, very wrong. I think my joints are swollen and I feel very old. I hope it doesn't incapacitate me today! I have a lot to get done. Only 2 more business days til we leave and I have errands to run and need to be mobile!

I have another doctor's appointment today. My routine of going to the hospital to get blood drawn first will hopefully end after today. Fingers crossed, they will say I am no longer pregnant. That will mark the end of the weekly doctor's visits!

This week has mostly been centered around buying a car. Monday night, we spent hours at the dealership negotiating. I hate that part. We left Monday night with a car, but not a firm rate on our loan. Because the banks were closed, we had to wait til the next day to find out what we'd be offered. All day Tuesday, Josh kept saying he didn't like the car because it smelled. I agreed that it had an odd odor in it, but it was a really nice car and I thought we could just Febreeze it. A smell isn't a reason I would ditch a car. It was clear, though, that he didn't love it and when it came down to it the payments were just too much for us to be committing to it if we didn't love it. So I took it back yesterday. They kept trying to convince me to keep it, of course, and eventually began offering me other cars to look at, but I needed a break. They agreed on a time out but insisted they would "keep looking" for what we wanted. I got my car back and drove home. It wasn't until the evening that I realized they still had my registration, so I will have to go back today. I'm irritated about this because the dealership is not at all close by.

They were offering us so little on our trade-in that I decided to try my hand at selling it myself on Craigslist last evening. I have already gotten 3 interested emails, listing it for 4 times what the dealership offered us, so I would say private sale is a good way to go. Josh thinks this is the wrong time to be doing all of this since we're leaving for Hawaii on Sunday, and he's probably right. I just have a hard time not starting projects as soon as they enter my brain. Which reminds me: I need to go look for the car title. Then maybe I'll try bed again....

Bug

Bug, originally uploaded by maus.

Sitting on my backseat

Sent using iPhone

Summer Flight

Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's August already! Here I thought I was going to be BORED all summer long and the truth is I never accomplished what was on my to-do list! July and all of its medical drama really ate away the days. Thank goodness for weekend getaways, friends, and Hawaii to vindicate Summer.

The next 5 days are crazy busy. I am getting sugar'd today, then at 4 we are going to look at my new car. Ahem, I mean, A car. If it doesn't take too long, I'll be meeting the girls at Prost! for trivia. The next few days HAVE to be spent in my classroom getting things unloaded and placed. Thursday I have ANOTHER doctor's appointment and I'm getting a pedi and going sundress shopping with Vicky and Angela. Saturday, we're going to Nikki's housewarming fiesta and Sunday... Sunday is Aloha day! Yay!

I had a grand weekend with the crew. Everyone stayed true to themselves: Andrew (aka SK aka Serial Killer aka Kat's boyfriend) kept to himself (by himself), Alex and Angela bickered a lot but also kissed a lot, Josh was amazing, Sharonne and Vicky didn't want to do anything but hottub and movie watch and play cards, and Kat juggled her time between SK and the rest of us. Overall, it worked out pretty well. We had three full group activities, of which Andrew participated in 2 and Vicky participated in 1 1/2. Josh and I even got to hang out with Valarie and Joe in Glacier, which was actually pretty fun. Yesterday, we took this most amazing hike up to the top of Table Mountain and were able to see incredible views of Mt. Shuksan and Mt. Baker. It was so breathtaking. Josh, being true to himself, kept saying, "Let's live here." Haha. That's Josh's request most everytime we find a beautiful place in the middle of nowhere. After our hike, the whole group went to the Nooksack River and played in the water and drank PBR. Alex and Andrew and Kat bodysurfed the rapids, which scared the bejeezus out of me. Overall, it was wonderful. I didn't want to leave.....

I am going to begin working on back to school projects until my sugaring appointment at 2:30. I don't want to, but I have to remember this is my last week to get ready. Once we return from Hawaii, I'll be working full time again (minus kids). I'll need to keep busy to avoid that from souring my mood.

Getaway Weekend

I am way behind in Internet stuffs--emails, blogging, etc. etc. I am going to remain behind, too, because I am leaving for the weekend. We're about to head out to the mountains. More specifically, to the Mt. Baker area to stay in a great house/cabin for Kat and Angela's birthdays. I wish we were going to LaPush (If you read Twilight Books, you'll have an idea what I'm talking about even if you don't live here!) as was originally planned, but I know we'll have a good time no matter what.

We were supposed to go to look at/test drive/possibly buy my new car today, but Josh made a huge error in last minute laundry this morning. He washed a whole pack of gum with a load. In addition to the laundry smelling minty fresh, it is thoroughly covered in gum. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR! I was SO MAD when I started pulling clothes out and pieces of gum were making them stick together. I am only slightly less angry than I was. Namely because it all but completely ruined my bathing suit. I knew there was a reason I preferred to be responsible for our own laundry.....I should have stuck to that! There is nothing I can do about it now, so I just need to let it go.

I have baked a surprise cake for the girls and I got everything ready for Ilsa, our dogwalker who is staying at our house for the weekend with Lulu. Now I just need to pack the last of the clothes and we'll be on our way.

Have a great weekend!!

Arctic Dreams

My post yesterday was due to my uncontrollable crying. It's cryptic, but it really was just verbatim what was going on in my brain. I can't push past the depression, the guilt, and the loss of self-esteem that has haunted me since the chemo. Even going to Angela's birthday dinner last night wasn't any help. I faked it, but I'm pretty sure it was only because I was able to drown my sorrow in a bottomless glass of wine.

Today is so hot, I feel withered. I woke up tired and in a fog, and I have really needed a nap since. I haven't accomplished much in this heat. Tomorrow we are scheduled for a record-breaking 103 degrees. Josh has canceled his work for tomorrow and we plan to all 3 go to the beach and soak in the water all day. There's nothing else that can be accomplished in this weather. Having a house outfitted with a/c is rare around here, considering we live in a temperate zone. Thus, we just lie like slugs in the living room with fans blowing on us and spritzer bottles filled with water that we use to mist ourselves every now and again. How pathetic.

I am trying to drink water constantly, but it still never feels like enough.

Since I'm not moving, I suppose I'll begin work on redoing Josh's website. Then, in a bit, we'll go to the movies for real relief. Hurray!

Loop

Step inside my brain for a moment.

Would you still be my friend if you knew?

Would you still love me if you knew?

Would you still want to be with me if you knew?

I am broken. I am worthless. And it's all my fault.

And, repeat...

Rescue

Just got back from camping. I got all the laundry sorted, the food put away, and I'm showered and fresh. Camping would be more fun if it wasn't so filthy. My car looks like I went four wheeling.

I might post more about the weekend, but right now I'll just settle for posting about Friday night. We had the biggest scare and I haven't told Josh since we didn't have cell service and he's at the station for the weekend.

Shortly after we arrived at the campsite and got the tents set up, Jeff went into the river next to our site to do some flyfishing. Lulu mistook his bobber for a ball and thought when he was casting, he was playing fetch. She dove right into the rapids and started getting swept into the falls. I saw the panic on her face, her little legs treading to swim against the strong current. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to save her.

I ran into the river, fully clothed, tripping over rocks to get to her in time. Just as she was swept underwater, I grabbed her collar and pulled. I was swept over the boulder, but my parental survival instincts kicked in (seriously!) and I used everything I had to push her over the rock into shallower water, then surfed up over to the same area. When I got out of the water, dripping wet, I was shaking from the cold and the adrenaline. I lost both of Josh's adidas soccer flips to the current, but I realized quickly that was ridiculous to be upset over.

I was so glad he wasn't there. We probably would have had to pack up the car and go home. Poor guy has been through too much in the way of my safety lately. In fact, I'm debating telling him about any of it even. I am just glad it turned out okay. I could NOT imagine losing Lulu or telling Josh that she was gone and I couldn't save her.

Validation

Despite the fact that I got out of the house yesterday to go see the Cowboy Junkies show with Angela at the Zoo, I hit an all-time low of depression over the miscarriage last night. I was feeling really desperate for answers, so I turned to the amazing Internet. In my search, I found a forum for those suffering from PCOS. Within it was a thread devoted to ectopic pregnancies. It was a godsend. I posted my story last night and awoke today to at least 10 people who had replied with their own, similar, experiences. Most importantly, they shared the feelings and thoughts that I carry in my heart and brain. I felt such a sense of relief.

As such, today has been pretty a-ok. I had to go through the routine again today: Go to hospital, wait, get blood drawn, go to doctor's office, wait, wait, wait, get results, talk to doctor, wait, talk to doctor, then leave. I discovered things are progressing well with the miscarriage, but I will need to do the same routine once per week for the next 5 weeks or so. FUN! They need to monitor me til my pregnancy levels are at 0 and then for at least 1 week afterwards, to ensure all parts of the fetus were miscarried. In rare cases, she said some cells from the fetus might be resistant to the chemo and start to grow again, putting me at risk for the same things as before. And just when I thought I was in the clear... Well, I am perhaps the eternal optimist, but I think it will be okay.

I am going camping tomorrow with Sharonne and 8 others. Josh will be at the station for the weekend and he is a bit nervous about my adventurous spirit while I'm in this state. I know I will listen to my body, though, and only do what I can without being irresponsible. I want to have fun, but I've been through too much to risk feeling this way again! The best part is that Lulu will be coming, too. I hope she minds her manners. When there's a lot going on, she gets a little amped up. She becomes something of a 6 year old on a pixie stick high. Poor baby. She's just overly enthusiastic. There could be worse traits for someone to have.

Happiness Prevails

How's about a happy post? Yes? Good. I agree.

I felt really good today. I even vacuumed and made lunch! Quite an achievement as of late, you must understand. Todd visited. I hadn't seen him since he left for Peru 2 1/2 weeks ago, so I was super happy to give him squeezes and kisses. He brought me seed jewelry, per the usual, which I love. I have to keep them in the freezer for 2 weeks in case there are eggs in there that will hatch and result in eaten seeds. Yuck! I guess you have to take such precautions when you buy fresh seed jewelry from Amazonian natives, though....

Josh got home shortly before he arrived, so we three took Lulu and Bella down to the lake for a swim. Those 2 are so cute. Lulu does these amazing belly flop leaps into the water that yield so much attention and appeal. It's hilarious. After that excursion, though, I was wiped. I am still exhausted and needing to regain my energy. Todd pretty much agreed to babysit Lu while we are in Hawaii, which is FANTASTIC. Now we only have to find someone to keep her while we are at the cabin for Ang and Kat's bdays. I called Ilsa (our dogwalker) to see if she'd be game and left a message. Fingers crossed.

Would you like to see where we are staying in Hawaii? I am getting excited!

This is our view. These are the Mokulua Islands that are off of Lanikai Beach.



This is what it will look like when I kayak to the bigger of the 2 islands to lay on the beach there.



This shot includes Josh. ;)



This is the bedroom in our cottage.



This is the kitchen.




I plan to take 5 kajillion pictures, so of course this is just a taste of what you'll experience upon our return. Yay for vacations!

I am totally busting out to MGMT's Kids as I type. 107.7 The End has been playing this song constantly and I can't get it out of my head, so of course I had to succumb to purchasing it on iTunes. Which reminds me to vent: exactly when did iTunes increase the price of a download from 99cents to $1.29? Ridiculous!

The bonus conclusion to the day is that Ilsa just called to say, Yes, she can house/puppy sit while we are at the cabin and we just sold our Crate & Barrel couch for a 150% profit. Score! I was so excited, I called Josh to tell him. Poor guy picks up no matter what these days, ever since I scared him with my medical woes. Earlier today he was hanging off the side of a building when he answered my call and just now he was in the middle of a training at the fire house. I need to tell him to not pick up when busy unless I text him to say it's an emergency. Makes me feel guilty, ....but lucky, too.

Update

Just emailed this to mom and some friends:

Just to keep you abreast: My doctor urged me to go in for another ultrasound today, based on the amount of pain I was dealing with this past weekend. After the ultrasound, which was inconclusive, I was urged to go to the ER. So, Josh and I spent 5 hours there tonight with me hooked up to IV's and monitors. Turns out, I am miscarrying the fetus as was hoped post-chemo and likely will not have to undergo surgery or further chemotherapy. In other words, everything is happening as planned.

Just a bit of a scare that I would have to undergo emergency surgery. But, it looks like I can just deal with this at home. Will have to go back on Thursday to get blood levels checked again to confirm that this is actually the case, but I feel that it will be.

I am feeling tons better since the weekend, and even got my appetite back during the ER visit. Had my first meal in days at Kabul, the Afghani restaurant in Wallingford. I ate light, but it's promising that I'm eating again. Doctor predicts I'll stop bleeding in a matter of weeks. (I'm hoping for sooner).

Hunger Pangs

I have not been able to eat much of anything this weekend due to an inhumane amount of pain. I called the on-call resident to ask him to call me in a scrip for some pain meds, but he wanted me to come in to the ER first. Uh, no thanks, I'll wait til my doctor is in tomorrow and pay tons less to get "checked out". I just want drugs.

Then I remembered that I have an old bottle of codeine from 5 years ago (at least). I read once that medicine doesn't really go "bad" after the expiration date, it just loses its potency to some degree. So I took it. And now? I am STARVING. I don't feel 100% pain-free, but I feel way better than I did. And I don't want what we have in the kitchen. I want Indian food. Or Mediterranean Kitchen. (With you, Erika!) But it's midnight, so I guess I won't be giving in to these cravings. By tomorrow, when it's possible to, I won't likely be hungry again. I'll be in pain again. Hrm.

Thank you to all of you for your kind words via comment and email. I didn't realize all of you were reading! Sneaky... I haven't been awake long enough to respond to everyone, yet, but I will.

This has been so hard for me. It's been hard for Josh, too. But right now I just need to focus on feeling better. I am supposed to go camping next weekend, celebrate 2 friends' birthdays at a cabin the following weekend, and leave for Hawaii the weekend after that. Not to mention how LONG I've been feeling this way and it's supposed to be my vacation! Before you know it, I'll be back to school and won't have any time to myself. I am angry that I've been missing out on life, let alone vacation time, for this long. I am tired of hurting and bleeding and I long to be myself again. SOON. It's starting to feel like an impossibility.

Results, Step 2

I got my blood draw to check my HCG levels today. Then Josh and I waited in the exam room 2 agonizing hours before anyone told us anything. We were finally told that it showed the fetus was growing still, but in the wrong place so I would need to do the chemo to abort it.

Dammit.

I started to cry because I didn't want to kill it. I really hoped it would just die on its own. I know it's just a bunch of cells that wouldn't go to term anyway and possibly kill me on the way by rupturing the organ or tube it is in, but....dammit.

While we waited another HOUR for the chemo to arrive, I told Josh I felt like I wanted to bash my head into a wall. I can't explain really why I felt that way, but I just felt so angry and I felt disappointment. With myself, I think. I'm not sure why.

When we got home, I took a long nap. I'm feeling effects from the chemo already. It was injected into the back of my hips and that's sore, plus the area directly to the front of that area is in pain, inside. I am not nauseous yet, and I hope it never comes. On Thursday, I go back to get my levels checked again. If this round "doesn't take", I'll have to get chemo again.

I wish to feel normal again soon.

Results, Step 1

I saw the specialist yesterday. What was scheduled to be a 50 minute appointment turned into a 6 hour series of events I don't think I'll ever forget. For the sake of documenting it for myself, I'm going to type it all out below. But the nuts and bolts of the story are that I'm pregnant. The fetus is likely not in my uterus, though, but rather in my fallopian tube. I also may be miscarrying it. That would explain the pain and the bleeding. I have to wait til Friday to be sure, though. I'll get tested again at that point. I am such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I went from shock to happiness to sadness to anger within minutes, it seems. I'm happy that I can get pregnant because I really didn't think I could. Naturally, I'm devastated that I am carrying a baby in the wrong place and am either miscarrying or will have to abort it. I am scared that the only 2 options for aborting it are with chemotherapy or surgery. I am angry that this is "happening to me." On Friday, I will know more. Until then, things are pretty glum in our house. Josh is really sad about it, but he is being incredibly nurturing and supportive.

Here's the play by play...

At the appointment, which I was late for because I unwittingly wrote the time down wrong, she could only talk to me for 10 minutes before her next patient. I gave her the gist of what's been going on and she said that I was likely bleeding so long due to being ammenhoreac, which just means that I don't get my period very often. She said she would prescribe me some Provera to stop the bleeding and then schedule me for an ultrasound for 2 weeks from now to see what the deal with the pain was.

She then asked me to pee in a cup for a standard pregnancy test that they do at that office. I thought it was dumb to do since I had obviously been having my period for a month. But then, just before she was supposed to give me the scrip and I was to leave, she came in and said, "Never mind what I said before. We have a different scenario on hand. You're pregnant." I about fell off the table when she said that! I got very teary and said, "This can't be good. I've been bleeding for a month!" She did a quick pelvic exam and said it looks good because I'm not exhibiting signs of internal bleeding. I didn't know what she meant by that til later.

Then I had to go to the hospital for an emergency blood draw and ultrasound. The Radiologist couldn't see a fetus in my uterus, which basically meant my pregnancy was probably ectopic, which means it's in my fallopian tube and thus needed to be aborted. She (Radiologist) wanted me to go right to the ER for surgery, but she called my gynecologist first who just asked that I come back to her office instead.

So I did, and she told me then that there are 1 of 3 scenarios going on: 1. I have an ectopic pregnancy that needs to be removed by surgery or chemotherapy, 2. I have an ectopic pregnancy that is miscarrying (explaining the blood) or 3. I have a healthy pregnancy that is too early to be identified on an ultrasound and is possibly going to be okay but is just having a rough start (ie the pain and bleeding). The third scenario is the least likely.

By this time, I had called Josh and he joined us and got up to speed. We agonizingly waited for the blood results to help us determine the case. If my hormone levels were high, it would indicate a developed pregnancy in the wrong place (the tube), and we would need to operate or do the chemo before it could burst my tube and I developed internal bleeding (which is what she was checking for in my pelvic exam). If my hormone levels were low, it indicated an underdeveloped pregnancy that could be in my tube or my uterus, requiring us to wait 2 days and test the levels again to be more certain.

When my levels came back, they were low, so I would have to wait 2 days to get them checked again. On Friday, if those levels have doubled, I am likely having a normal pregnancy. If those levels have dropped, I am likely having a miscarriage. If those levels are only slightly elevated, I likely have an ectopic pregnancy in my fallopian tube that will need to be aborted.

I feel strongly that I have an ectopic pregnancy. Friday will help me determine whether or not I have to go through chemo. I don't want to do surgery because there is always a risk involved. Chemo will be hard--I will be in a lot of pain for at least 72 hours after getting the shot of chemo, with likely nausea. There is also still a chance my tube could burst despite or during that time. So I will have to be closely monitored.

What I did get was a shot of Rogan because I am O negative, so if the fetus in me is a positive bloodtype, I could reject it or any future positive bloodtype fetus. That shot was pretty painless.

I have shed a lot of tears. Josh wants me to be pregnant in a healthy way, but I don't feel in my heart that is the case. Regardless, I am looking at a lot more time of "not feeling normal".

Aloha

Remember how I said Josh and I were going to Brazil this summer? I was wrong. Josh did not get his butt in gear and get his visa in time. :( It was also really anxiety-inducing for him because of how much the plane ticket and visa were going to be. So, we changed our plans and put Brazil on hold.

We're going to Hawaii instead! We'll be there from Aug.9-14. Not super long, but I'm really looking forward to the break. And Josh has never been, so it will be fun to see him light up at all the beauty. I am feverishly looking for lodging in Kailua, which is away from the hubub of Waikiki. There are no hotels in Kailua, so we have to either stay at a B&B, which is like staying in some stranger's house (always tiring) or in someone's guest house (which is nearly the same, but not). I naturally want the guest house option, but many of those have already been spoken for. Seems like the ones that haven't are a teensy bit out of our price range..... Well, it will all work out in the end.

I can't wait to get my medical concerns worked out so I can actually get excited about this trip! As of now, I feel like I might never stop bleeding and never be able to walk or run or bend pain-free. Last night I cried in Josh's arms about it. I didn't mean to. He was holding me and I was talking to him about how I am so tired of feeling this way and in the midst of my words, I was surprised to be interrupted with forceful sobs. He was concerned and held me tight. He asked me what I was feeling and I told him I was just so miserable being like this and how I don't want him to think of me as such a weak, pathetic person. He assured me that he doesn't think that at all. He just wants for me the same thing as I do. He wants me to not be in pain or be so affected in this way. It felt so good to cry in his arms. I have been holding a lot of this inside of me. I have never, ever been good at resting. I am a very active person and sitting around makes me feel shamefully lazy. But for the last month, I have been doing a lot of just sitting around and sleeping in. And I feel horrible about myself as a result. I have not accomplished much of anything, though I've been trying to "live life as usual". When you feel like your insides are separating, tearing, getting stabbed on a continual basis...well, you don't feel like life is "usual" so living it as such is difficult.

I finally made an appointment with another doctor, since mine seems to be just waiting out my pain. I made an appointment with a specialist who is a gynecologist dealing with "problem issues". When I called and the receptionist told me this, she said, "The Dr. won't see you for just any issue. She can only accept new patients for extreme problems." I said, "I have Ammenorhea and I have been bleeding for nearly a month with extreme pain and possible cyst ruptures." She said, "Allright, can you come in tomorrow?" Haha. I guess I qualify! I'm glad she'll be able to get me in so soon. I'll be going in at 1:30. I am hopeful she can just tell me how I can stop hurting and feeling so tired. Even if she can't stop the bleeding (though that's likely why I'm so tired). I can handle that part, though I should have stock in O.B. at this rate. Then, of course, I hope she can help fix everything else. But first, the pain.