Feelgoods

Last night, I went to a party at a coworker's. It was nice because even though I see these people everyday, we never get to talk. Over wine. (my health month wine being Perrier with lemon, of course.) Anyway, two different teachers told me they want their kid in my class in the next year or 2. That's pretty damn special, I think. Considering I'm the newest K teacher and all. Anyhoot. Just wanted to say that.

Josh is making brunch and it smells AMAZING.

Oh, drunky mcdrunkerson should not post. It's the same thing as drunk dialing, you know. Worse, though, because it's available for viewing for a long time to come. I could delete that last post, but I'd rather just leave it as a reminder that I can be incredibly emotional and irrational when under the influence.

The big thing driving my last post was Josh's announcement that his trip to Indiana this Sunday for a week will allow him to truly determine if he wants to move back there or not. I am getting tired of his inconsistencies and lack of commitment to things. I know he's committed to me, but he needs to figure out what he wants aside from me and commit to it and after he does that (a feat in itself) I don't know if I'll want to fit myself into that scheme. I'm not moving to Indiana anyway. I know that with every fiber of my being. I love what I'm able to do in my job and I know I can really only do those things because of the community in which I live. If my priorities in my work change, I'll be able to consider other locales. For now, though, I'm set.

Some of my friends are also a huge impetus for that last drunken display. A few of them have been driving me nuts lately. That night in particular, I came to find out that one of them has been mad at me for the past 2 months, because she thinks I've been mad at her. Two of our mutual friends have been aware that I'm out of the loop, but they've only been fueling the fire in her mind in further believing I'm upset with her. What the hell? This middle school drama is not supposed to be happening at this late date in my life. Also, I am left feeling disappointed in my choice of friends and my naivete in trusting people. I have done what I can to smooth things over with the initial friend, although I still know my ability to trust her is changed forevermore due to her inability to talk to me about things from the start. I am now left wondering how I will pursue things with the mutual friends who have shown they don't have my best interest at heart. I would love to push a button that just puts a curtain between me and things like this and walk away quietly, but that is not life and I know it.

I got a lot of work done today on my "day off", though there is still more to be done. I have been wanting to bake something, but I don't want to put real clothes on to go to the store. I'm just too LAZY. I am beginning to realize I eat so poorly because I hate grocery shopping, cooking, and sitting down to eat. I would rather just have cereal for breakfast, canned soup for lunch, and take out for dinner. "Whatever is fastest and easiest" is pretty much my motto.

I wish we had Wednesday off every week. I've been spreading myself thin and this required break from the norm is good for me. I hope others are able to take advantage of this today, too. We could all use a break.

Optimistic Drunk

Even though I've had too much wine as a result of Angela's dinner party and it's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning on a school night, I've come to the realization that these things need to be accepted, starting tomorrow when I am sober:

I will need to find a new place of my own by the end of the month

I will need to start online dating again

I will not be having babies anytime soon, despite my old age of 34 1/2 (almost)

I will not be settling down with a life partner anytime soon

I will need to say goodbye to someone I've loved for some time

I will be working on buying my own home alone

I will need to start taking care of myself and avoiding becoming a fat, slovenly hermit

Please, internet friends, help me achieve these goals. Good night.

P.S. Laura and Ted just bought a house and tonight I found out they are 3 months pregnant. YAY!

P.P.S. I found out Sharonne had to be forced to come to brunch on Saturday because she didn't want to see me. I am not sad about this. I am annoyed and I feel less enamored with her than ever before.

P.P.P.S. I want to go to Cancun in February.

Good night now for real.

counting sheep in broad daylight

There is an exhaustion within me currently that is so deep within my muscles and my mind. I can't explain it any better than that. I don't understand it, but all I want to do right now is lay very still and allow myself to drift off into a deep sleep.

But I can't.

It's Sunday and that means it's necessary to prepare for the upcoming week by completing housework, running errands, and paying bills. Yuck.

I am even more limited on time to complete these tasks today because we have a very special evening planned. We are going on a hot air balloon ride! This is something we have been planning to do for nearly 2 years and we've simply been too busy to put the plans into place. Finally, finally we are going and it's a beautiful day for it. I kind of got into an argument with the pilot this morning, though, so we are a bit worried that this could affect our good time. I might be wrong, and I hope I am. He was charging us more money than we should have been charged and Josh only admitted the charge to me this morning. He said the Pilot told him it was necessary for the time slot they had available, but according to their website, the price should not change based on the time slot. He was very surprised that I was calling him on it and insisted it was agreed upon when the appointment was made. Thing is, Josh didn't know the details on the website, so he couldn't argue it. He said, if I wanted to cancel, I would have had to call on Friday to do so. Josh only just told me about it today, so that wasn't possible. We agreed to "split the difference", which in this guy's lingo meant requiring us to still pay more than we should, but less than he told Josh. There is little I can do about it all because the guy has Josh's CC number. If I cancel, he'll charge the full amount. So we're going. But Josh and I are both kind of in a poor mood about it, which sucks. I'm sure the Pilot is in a crap mood too and will likely be awkward with us on the flight but I am determined to have a good time and THEN write a bad review online and call the BBB. Because seriously, no one should be paying over $400 for something and be in a bad mood for the whole experience. It just isn't right.

Tomorrow, our bowling league starts. I am looking forward to being silly with girlfriends. I had hoped to get my own ball, but I realize that would be yet another thing I would need to donate to goodwill in time. I am not and never will be a real bowler.

Tuesday, I start hot yoga class and ...don't tell the masculine club of America, but... Josh will be going with me! I convinced him to give it a try. His work is so physical and he has pains and aches in his back, leg and hip pretty frequently. Owning and running a business is a stressful endeavor, too. Yoga--hot yoga, especially--will be a great opportunity for him to feel some physical and emotional relief. I made him promise to do 10 classes. We'll see if he commits!

ear rit tay shun

Irresponsible people
Bills
Last minute changes
Fair weathered friends
Inconsiderate people
12-hour work days

These things are bothering me to a LARGE degree right now and I just want to be able to brush it off....but dammit if being exhausted doesn't make that even harder!!!

I am just overworked and overtired. Kindergarten Open House today. First day of school next Wednesday. I still have to work full time (overtime) right now, but kids don't arrive til 9/9. I do like my kids a lot. They are all white, or close enough, but that is the only "problem" I can foresee. Only one of them won't talk to me. And only 6 of them haven't met me yet. Out of 28, that's pretty good. I hope a couple of those 6 no-shows end up withdrawing. I gained 2 and lost one today, leaving me with a whopping 28. I know things are still not even set in stone. By the first day, I could have many more changes. It always wows me when people don't prepare for this year. Last year I got new students well into the second week of school. It's such a huge deal that your child is starting school! I mean, isn't it?? For me it would be!

Josh and I are scheduled to go camping this weekend with Nikki and Dan. Sharonne and Vicky were supposed to go too, but they totally flaked. It makes me feel weird how it happened. They both canceled at the same time with the same lame excuse: the drive is too long for such a short stay. It doesn't make sense to me, because neither of them was going to drive--they were getting rides from me and Nikki--and we are scheduled to camp for 3 nights. That isn't a long stay? Were they expecting a week camping trip?? I don't understand that. I don't understand it when friends "team up" either. They aren't a couple. They don't live together. So why the same cancellation excuse and why cancel together? And both of them texted it and said, "Don't be mad at us." Obviously they think I should be mad at them or why would they have said that? I feel very weird towards them now. I know it's "my issue", but I just wish I felt differently. Hard not to "blame" them for my feeling this way.

I know all of this will feel better once I get some good sleep. I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, go in to school briefly, then leave for my camping trip. I plan to have a great weekend. I hope Josh helps make that dream come true!

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Hawaii was, simply put, amazing. I had such a wonderful time basking in the warmth of the magical air. I am really lucky to have been able to go and enjoy myself as I did. Needless to say, Josh and I did not want to come back. I am especially bummed by the reality of having to dive into work early Monday morning. At least it wasn't raining when we returned! So far, the weather has been pretty kind with promises of reaching the 90's again next week.

We got in just after midnight last night and got to bed around 3 am. Josh had to rise not much after that in order to drive down to Portland for a window cleaning conference. I spoke to him on the phone a bit ago and he was really jazzed about having met a lot of the guys in the industry he talks to nation-wide online. It was like one big blind date! I am happy he feels re-energized and motivated about work. Maybe my conference next week will do the same for me??? I can only hope. As of now, I want to run away to Hawaii and hide at the beach with the sea turtles for the next year or 2.

My amazing friend Nikki, founder of the autism awareness organization, Knowledge For People, is a never ending source of fun and good ideas. Today, she called and offered me invites for things upcoming: A burlesque show put on by Rat City Roller Girls, a Labor Day camping excursion, and the opportunity to put together an all-girls' bowling league where we can showcase our ineptitude with the sport! I said yes to all 3. I also organized another trivia night at Prost! on Monday with some of my nearest and dearest. I am definitely trying my darndest to enjoy life on the mainland!

Ah, Hawaii, I miss you.

We are dogsitting Bella this weekend while Todd is up on Vancouver Island with his old flame. It's only fair in exchange for his sitting Lulu while we were gone, but I am wanting to be very selfish and not have to worry about being a good dog mommy right now. I just want to wallow in the mounds of household duties I need to attend to. Laundry and paper organization top the list. Both are taunting me and I keep staring at them, wishing I could make them disappear just by thinking it hard enough.

I spent the better part of the day scouring ads for free things for my classroom. Since it's a new classroom, I don't have any supplies coming with it. I need a play kitchen, a lego set, wooden puzzles, and wooden building blocks. I found a wooden kitchen that isn't really what I want, but it's only $50 and it retails for almost $200. I posted an ad asking for free or low-priced items to cover the rest of the wishlist. I don't know how successful I'll be, but I'm definitely not looking forward to spending tons of my own money to furnish the room. My new school has a pretty wealthy population, but that doesn't increase the funding to our school. I might just have to wait until school starts to ask for tangible donations. I hate to do that, though. I always like having everything ready from the getgo!

I also want to get a bike for myself since my school is so close and it seems silly to drive to work every day. I imagine I'll be driving most days, even with one, but I'd like to have the option. I emailed someone about a purple cruiser they had listed, but I was too late. :( There are other options available, but I really do want a cruiser. It would have to have gears for our insane hills, but I love the way they look and the seats and handlebars are more comfy than a road or mtn bike. I'll just have to keep looking...

From Uch to Uch

I wish I could be happy with being fat. Uch.

I went clothes shopping with Ang after getting pedicures and eating yummy Thai for dinner. Maybe it was the Thai, or all the dinners I've eaten this summer, but I appear to have gained beyond my knowledge! I could not rock clothes I have rocked in the past.

Too bad we're going to be in a place where I will be mostly unclothed for the majority of the time. I am going to enjoy myself no matter what, but I do wish I had less of the tummy and backfat and arm fat that I do. I am officially unpregnant now, according to the blood test I did today, and I'm feeling much better, so I guess it's time to get in gear and try to look more how I feel. Need to get disciplined!

The doctor wanted me to get on BCP again, but I refused. No more pills! She convinced me to accept a scrip for progesterone instead, but I am conflicted. I'm supposed to take it for the fact that my PCOS makes me more susceptible to endometrial cancer and putting this hormone into my system that I lack would make me less susceptible. That makes sense. BUT, I initially entered into my PCOS treatment with a Naturopath because I wanted to get my body to a point where I could naturally produce the hormone and lessen my testosterone levels. If I take this progesterone, I can't continue that therapy/process. What to do...what to do...

She is thinking we'll try to get me in a place to try to conceive come November (ie force ovulation), but I don't know if I want that. I will probably aim to wait longer than that. I know my clock is ticking and running low on battery life, but I am not married to Josh and I need to know we want to be married. Having a child with someone is more permanent a life venture than marriage and I know there is a reason marriage is the horse and babies are the cart!

Speaking of Josh, he quit the fire department. Again. He says it's final. I just don't know with him, though. Talk about a man who doesn't know what he wants! Uch.

Summer Flight

Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's August already! Here I thought I was going to be BORED all summer long and the truth is I never accomplished what was on my to-do list! July and all of its medical drama really ate away the days. Thank goodness for weekend getaways, friends, and Hawaii to vindicate Summer.

The next 5 days are crazy busy. I am getting sugar'd today, then at 4 we are going to look at my new car. Ahem, I mean, A car. If it doesn't take too long, I'll be meeting the girls at Prost! for trivia. The next few days HAVE to be spent in my classroom getting things unloaded and placed. Thursday I have ANOTHER doctor's appointment and I'm getting a pedi and going sundress shopping with Vicky and Angela. Saturday, we're going to Nikki's housewarming fiesta and Sunday... Sunday is Aloha day! Yay!

I had a grand weekend with the crew. Everyone stayed true to themselves: Andrew (aka SK aka Serial Killer aka Kat's boyfriend) kept to himself (by himself), Alex and Angela bickered a lot but also kissed a lot, Josh was amazing, Sharonne and Vicky didn't want to do anything but hottub and movie watch and play cards, and Kat juggled her time between SK and the rest of us. Overall, it worked out pretty well. We had three full group activities, of which Andrew participated in 2 and Vicky participated in 1 1/2. Josh and I even got to hang out with Valarie and Joe in Glacier, which was actually pretty fun. Yesterday, we took this most amazing hike up to the top of Table Mountain and were able to see incredible views of Mt. Shuksan and Mt. Baker. It was so breathtaking. Josh, being true to himself, kept saying, "Let's live here." Haha. That's Josh's request most everytime we find a beautiful place in the middle of nowhere. After our hike, the whole group went to the Nooksack River and played in the water and drank PBR. Alex and Andrew and Kat bodysurfed the rapids, which scared the bejeezus out of me. Overall, it was wonderful. I didn't want to leave.....

I am going to begin working on back to school projects until my sugaring appointment at 2:30. I don't want to, but I have to remember this is my last week to get ready. Once we return from Hawaii, I'll be working full time again (minus kids). I'll need to keep busy to avoid that from souring my mood.

Getaway Weekend

I am way behind in Internet stuffs--emails, blogging, etc. etc. I am going to remain behind, too, because I am leaving for the weekend. We're about to head out to the mountains. More specifically, to the Mt. Baker area to stay in a great house/cabin for Kat and Angela's birthdays. I wish we were going to LaPush (If you read Twilight Books, you'll have an idea what I'm talking about even if you don't live here!) as was originally planned, but I know we'll have a good time no matter what.

We were supposed to go to look at/test drive/possibly buy my new car today, but Josh made a huge error in last minute laundry this morning. He washed a whole pack of gum with a load. In addition to the laundry smelling minty fresh, it is thoroughly covered in gum. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR! I was SO MAD when I started pulling clothes out and pieces of gum were making them stick together. I am only slightly less angry than I was. Namely because it all but completely ruined my bathing suit. I knew there was a reason I preferred to be responsible for our own laundry.....I should have stuck to that! There is nothing I can do about it now, so I just need to let it go.

I have baked a surprise cake for the girls and I got everything ready for Ilsa, our dogwalker who is staying at our house for the weekend with Lulu. Now I just need to pack the last of the clothes and we'll be on our way.

Have a great weekend!!

Rescue

Just got back from camping. I got all the laundry sorted, the food put away, and I'm showered and fresh. Camping would be more fun if it wasn't so filthy. My car looks like I went four wheeling.

I might post more about the weekend, but right now I'll just settle for posting about Friday night. We had the biggest scare and I haven't told Josh since we didn't have cell service and he's at the station for the weekend.

Shortly after we arrived at the campsite and got the tents set up, Jeff went into the river next to our site to do some flyfishing. Lulu mistook his bobber for a ball and thought when he was casting, he was playing fetch. She dove right into the rapids and started getting swept into the falls. I saw the panic on her face, her little legs treading to swim against the strong current. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to save her.

I ran into the river, fully clothed, tripping over rocks to get to her in time. Just as she was swept underwater, I grabbed her collar and pulled. I was swept over the boulder, but my parental survival instincts kicked in (seriously!) and I used everything I had to push her over the rock into shallower water, then surfed up over to the same area. When I got out of the water, dripping wet, I was shaking from the cold and the adrenaline. I lost both of Josh's adidas soccer flips to the current, but I realized quickly that was ridiculous to be upset over.

I was so glad he wasn't there. We probably would have had to pack up the car and go home. Poor guy has been through too much in the way of my safety lately. In fact, I'm debating telling him about any of it even. I am just glad it turned out okay. I could NOT imagine losing Lulu or telling Josh that she was gone and I couldn't save her.

Happiness Prevails

How's about a happy post? Yes? Good. I agree.

I felt really good today. I even vacuumed and made lunch! Quite an achievement as of late, you must understand. Todd visited. I hadn't seen him since he left for Peru 2 1/2 weeks ago, so I was super happy to give him squeezes and kisses. He brought me seed jewelry, per the usual, which I love. I have to keep them in the freezer for 2 weeks in case there are eggs in there that will hatch and result in eaten seeds. Yuck! I guess you have to take such precautions when you buy fresh seed jewelry from Amazonian natives, though....

Josh got home shortly before he arrived, so we three took Lulu and Bella down to the lake for a swim. Those 2 are so cute. Lulu does these amazing belly flop leaps into the water that yield so much attention and appeal. It's hilarious. After that excursion, though, I was wiped. I am still exhausted and needing to regain my energy. Todd pretty much agreed to babysit Lu while we are in Hawaii, which is FANTASTIC. Now we only have to find someone to keep her while we are at the cabin for Ang and Kat's bdays. I called Ilsa (our dogwalker) to see if she'd be game and left a message. Fingers crossed.

Would you like to see where we are staying in Hawaii? I am getting excited!

This is our view. These are the Mokulua Islands that are off of Lanikai Beach.



This is what it will look like when I kayak to the bigger of the 2 islands to lay on the beach there.



This shot includes Josh. ;)



This is the bedroom in our cottage.



This is the kitchen.




I plan to take 5 kajillion pictures, so of course this is just a taste of what you'll experience upon our return. Yay for vacations!

I am totally busting out to MGMT's Kids as I type. 107.7 The End has been playing this song constantly and I can't get it out of my head, so of course I had to succumb to purchasing it on iTunes. Which reminds me to vent: exactly when did iTunes increase the price of a download from 99cents to $1.29? Ridiculous!

The bonus conclusion to the day is that Ilsa just called to say, Yes, she can house/puppy sit while we are at the cabin and we just sold our Crate & Barrel couch for a 150% profit. Score! I was so excited, I called Josh to tell him. Poor guy picks up no matter what these days, ever since I scared him with my medical woes. Earlier today he was hanging off the side of a building when he answered my call and just now he was in the middle of a training at the fire house. I need to tell him to not pick up when busy unless I text him to say it's an emergency. Makes me feel guilty, ....but lucky, too.

mish mash

I just got back from visiting with Kat up in Padilla Bay. It was so peaceful and beautiful. She is renting a great little place on a tree farm right on the water. When she told me it was a farm, I expected it to look like farmland. I guess tree farms are different, though. It just looks like lush, forested property. The main house is large and modern and the whole front is windows overlooking the bay. There are lots of little garden plots in front of the house as well as a greenhouse, but other than that, it doesn't look any different than any other waterfront property. It's really quiet up there and it reminds me of being at the lake in Indiana, except there are islands out in the "lake" and the "lake" is really the ocean and mountains surround it...but OTHERWISE it's totally the same. ;) Last night, we went to the nearest town, roughly 7 minutes away, called Edison. It has 2 bakeries, 2 restaurant/bars, 2 art galleries, a clothing boutique, and a liquor store attached to someone's house. Very small, very quaint, very...limited. It was fun for a night, but I don't think I could live there long-term. It was trivia night at the saloon we were visiting, so we played. With only one round to go, we were in second place. The final round was the music round, requiring us to name the artists of 10 songs played. We BOMBED that round. So much so, we ended up in LAST place. It was really hard. The artists I can recall were Kenny Loggins, the Ting Tings, Winger, Dionne Warwick and Hank Williams, Jr. FAIL.

I am still bleeding, 3 weeks later. The pain has minimized, but I am still exhausted all the time. I don't know why my body is acting this way.

I am going to start a GI diet blog, with recipes that I try. I got a new book to help me out:


It's filled with yummy-sounding recipes, so I hope it helps me feel less miserable about having to comply with this new lifestyle.

Last Monday, Todd left for Peru to do research in the Amazon and on Saturday Nikki leaves for Nepal to implement the goals of her non-profit. I am anxious to hear the stories when they return, but after Kat told me she is going to Pulau next month, I was left with Travel envy of the greatest kind. I want to be rich enough to go on adventures every day, every month, every year. And have a house to come home to. And a car that I love. And paid off student loans. Am I asking for too much?

unhealth

This past week has been pretty hard on me, health-wise. Ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I've been taking a lot of herbal remedies and vitamins to help with my liver function. My liver is not pushing out the testosterone in my body like most female's livers do, so I am not ovulating and my emotions are very unpredictable. I also lack a great deal of energy because I am not able to process Vitamin D correctly. Last week, I got my first period in months. This made me think I was getting better. Then, 4 days after it stopped, I started another period. Heavier and more painful than the first. I called the Naturopath describing the pain and we are now pretty certain I'm not having my period, I'm simply bleeding from an ovarian cyst slowly popping. There are moments when I think, "OMIGOD THE PAIN PLEASE JUST KNOCK ME OUT RIGHT NOW" and then, it goes away. But then I move or sit in a way that puts pressure on it and I want to scream. I'm looking at 2 more months (at least) of so many pills every morning, drinking a disgusting tincture in juice, and putting beta-carotene drops on my tongue. Additionally, I have to radically change my diet. This is the part that scares me more than anything. Because of this PCOS, I am exhibiting diabetic-type symptoms in regards to insulin, so I have to eat a low-glycemic diet. That isn't the scary part. The scary part is that I basically have to eat all day long and, it's going to sound weird but, I really hate eating. Some things are yummy and if I am hungry I will happily eat them. But eating isn't fun to me. I like to do it once, maybe twice a day. Other than that, it seems really tedious. With this diet, I'm supposed to eat six times a day--at least. I don't think I'm going to be very good at it. It sounds expensive and time consuming and... boring.

Although I've been in too much pain to be really active this week, I've managed to do some fun things on my first real week of vacation. On Tuesday, I met the girls at Post in Post Alley for drinks and I ended up singing Billie Jean with the band in front of the whole place. Yesterday, I met some friends for lunch at Zeek's and then I took Lulu to the beach. The weather was so glorious and the beauty of the ocean and mountains were breathtaking. I felt like I was in the Mediterranean. I am a lucky girl to live where I do! When I got home, I packed a picnic and met Nikki at the Zoo for the Patty Griffin/Emmylou Harris/Shawn Colvin show. Afterwards, we went to her house and had a fire pit fire in the backyard with her boyfriend and two of his friends. Josh and Lulu joined us just before midnight.

My favorite event of the week was getting an iPhone!!! I love it. It was Josh's birthday present to me. Josh has been an amazing boyfriend throughout all this crap with my health. I am very lucky to have his love and adoration. He's going to the fire station again tonight and I am bummed about that. I've been busy with friends for 2 nights in a row and I could really use some downtime with him tonight. I guess that will have to wait til tomorrow....

absence and beauty

I'm sure that in a few years I'll be relishing the times Josh has to be at the station for 2-3 days straight. But right now, I'm really wishing he didn't have to be gone so long. :(

Remind me of this when I'm feeling ready to pull my hair out over his male-isms later in the week.

Now, pictures! (If you're my facebook friend, you've already seen these)

Over Memorial Day Weekend, My friends Angela and Vicky and I went to a music festival called Sasquatch, which takes place at the Breathtaking Gorge Amphitheatre a couple of hours away from Seattle. Here are a bunch of photos I took and only just today uploaded from my camera (that needs to be on my areas to improve list):











The next morning, after camping, we went to the Cave B Inn and Vineyard next door to the Amphitheatre and had a 5 star brunch!



This is the Main Inn:



Walking through the Vineyard:



These are the cottages:



Here you can see the amphitheatre on the left and the Main Inn on the right:



Simply breathtaking:

FREEDOM

zero days left of school!

Weeeeeeeeee! I wanted to get all of my things moved out of my classroom and into my new school today, but Josh had to be at the station for a shift tonight and thus the truck was unavailable for my use. I can't believe how much STUFF I have accumulated. It will take several trips to get it from my room into the truck and then again into my new school. I'll get to wait until next Friday to do all of that. Next week, a workshop awaits me. 4 long days...with my Principal. Not my new Principal; my old one. Lord help me. She is going to a new school next year as well and they just happen to be implementing the same curriculum that my new school implements for Writing. So she and I have to go to this workshop together. It's a cruel coincidence. I hope there are many people in this workshop so I can avoid her as much as possible. To say I loathe her is quite the understatement.

I haven't been online more than moments since I returned from my fabulous birthday getaway weekend on Monday. I made up for that tonight with a 3 hour marathon of blog perusing, facebooking, and email catching up. It was lovely.

I have so much to say about last weekend--it was truly fabulous. I loved every moment of it. I have great friends. And whitewater rafting? Well, I'm a huge fan. I would happily trade in my career for that of a rafting guide in a heartbeat. And before I forget to mention it, a funny coincidence happened on the trip! One of the boats capsized, which could have been scarier than it was. Another group of people were rafting behind us and their boat overturned on a rapid. We rescued a guy from the water as he was quickly carried down the river in the current. My friend Angela was attempting to put him at ease once he was in our raft, asking him his name and where he and his friends were from. He said, "My name's Josh.", which we thought was funny because we already had 2 Angela's in the boat and now we had 2 Josh's. But that wasn't the weird part. When she asked where he was from, he said, "Indiana." I said, "No way! Where?" And he said "Fort Wayne", which is where Josh and I are both from. We both said, "What?! No!" It turned out, he and his friends were visiting out West on a trip. They had all graduated from Carroll HS, which is the High School many of my childhood friends from my old neighborhood went to. He was 10 years our junior, so that's where the commonalities ended, but how's that for a small world moment?! Anyway, more on that trip in a future post. I might even make it a photo essay. We documented some great fun and some even greater beauty from the area.

Tomorrow night, I will be meeting a few friends for drinks and possible dancing to further celebrate that advanced digit in my age and the finish of a LONG, trying year. Who thought teaching Kindergarten could be so drama-filled? I am looking forward to less drama and more rewards in the coming school year.

I attended my new school's 'Kindergarten Social', at which a bunch of incoming Kinders got to visit, eat ice cream, and play on the school's playground. I felt kind of awkward since the place feels just as foreign to me as it does to them. Still, it was nice to meet many of the parents and the new kids that will potentially be in my room next year. What a world of difference. Almost all of the kids are white and many of the parents are able to be 1-income families due to their higher income level. I was admittedly a bit sad to not have the cultural and socioeconomic diversity I've been used to. It will probably be a welcome change in the classroom dynamics, though. I won't miss being a Social Worker/Child Therapist/Teacher I am anxious to teach without so much psychological baggage plaguing my classroom. But I think I've traded that in for overbearing parents and I question what's worse. Some of them were already weepy and their kids haven't even begun school yet! I anticipate having to force them to let go of their babies each morning for several weeks. That'll be loads of fun...

I am wiped. I stayed up all night writing report cards, and all day was spent wrapping things up with my kids. I spent 4 hours after school packing up my room and now and I want to do is veg. The house is a mess, but cleaning will just have to wait. I need a break. Josh's shift falling on this night this week was a gift. I have the couch and remote to myself!

breaking up is hard to do

I broke up with my therapist on Sunday and she will NOT leave me alone. It's really upsetting me. I haven't seen her for very long and I had a feeling within the first 2 sessions that she wasn't a perfect match. Still, I held on for a couple of more sessions to really make sure. Sometimes you just don't click or feel like therapy is productive with someone, and that's just the way it is. My therapist should understand that since I'm surely not the first person who has felt the need to part ways with her. From what I know, it's common. She's a nice person, about my mom's age, and very kind. BUT, she has a 48 hour cancellation policy that I have already had to "violate" and it really made me feel anxious when I had to cancel with only 24 hour's notice. Insurance won't cover a session you miss, so it's $150 to cancel in less that 48 hours. On top of it, she made me feel guilty for it. She said, "Well, you know I really should hold you to the policy, but your reason is a pretty important one so I will work with you." (I had an interview that was arranged last minute with no ability on my part to be flexible.) Last session, she seemed preoccupied when I met with her and she even ended the session without saying anything to me. She just packed up her bag like she was in a rush to get somewhere and stood by the door saying, "Well, I'll see you next week!" I awkwardly got up and left. That, and the fact that I realized I didn't feel comfortable telling her everything that was on my mind during the session, solidified that I needed to part ways. So I called her on Sunday and left a message saying I wanted to suspend therapy and thought that was that. She called me on Monday and left a vm saying she wanted to talk about why and asked if I would still come in on Tuesday and talk with her about it. I called back and left a message citing the extreme cancellation policy as my reason and told her I couldn't come in that day (which was true). She said she would be flexible about the policy and wants to see if she can further work with me. Wednesday she calls me again asking if I will call her and/or come in next Tuesday to have a closing therapy session. UGH! I just want her to accept my first request! This feels like pestering to me and is just making me feel so incredibly guilty. I have a hard time breaking up with people, obviously. I am now stuck feeling like I need to just leave her a blunt voicemail to say I don't think we click and hope she leaves me alone. I hate to make anyone feel badly, but for crying out loud this person is supposed to be understanding! I really think she should have just said, "Well, I understand your feelings about the cancellation policy. I am willing to change that for you, so if that would help please let me know. Otherwise, I wish you well." Would it be irresponsible on her part or unhealthy to say that? Because that's what I want.

I already called a new therapist, though with this experience I'm feeling like I don't even want to get involved with anyone anymore. Angela sees someone that she said is really very good and a total straight shooter. I want a straight shooter. I don't think my current/ex-therapist is enough of a straight shooter. In other words, I don't necessarily feel like things are resolved after talking to her. What a stresser this all is. Clearly not the results I wanted to achieve from therapy. I think I'll wait til this drama is over before I commit to someone new. I need a break from therapist relationships!

In other news, 16 days left of school! Finally, freedom is within my reach! I have Monday off, too, in order to meet with the teachers and principal at my new school. I am excited to be there and be able to look forward with anticipation!

Last weekend was amazingly fun. I had such a great time with Vicky and Angela. None of the reservations I had before came true. Sasquatch was awesome and I can't wait for next year! I'm trying to figure out what exactly to do for my birthday weekend next month and can't seem to tie anything down. What I really want to do (houseboat on the Columbia or staying at Cave B) is just not in the monetary cards right now. Plus, scheduling something like that with people is a pain in the ass and just not something I'm prepared to do with everything else going on. Keeping up with my life is really hard these days. I need more sleep, less obligations, and a cleaning lady.

This weekend: Seeing Mark's band at Hell's Kitchen with Katherine, donating blood, Acupuncture, watching my little Kindergartner, Raven, perform at her dance concert, and seeing Monique in the championship Roller Derby bout. Right now: grilling tuna and corn with Josh. Good stuff.

Hello Weekend!

I'm off to Sasquatch with Angela and Vicky and Josh is off to Milton for his first long day at the Fire Station. I'm curious to see how it goes, but more than happy to wait to find out since I'll be dancing the night away at the Gorge and camping for the first time in a long time! We set up the tent in the backyard just to make sure everything was in working order. I'm so excited!

Mother's Day Hike

My cousin Melanie is officially a Diplomat with the Foreign Service. I am really proud of her! What a cool job.

I went on a good hike today with the girls. We did Annette Lake, finally, but we're going to have to go back in August because we couldn't locate the lake*. Jane came instead of Vicky, and it was nice to talk with her. She is so much less exuberant than most of my friends, but she has feel-good qualities about her that shine through when you spend time with her one on one. I was totally unprepared for this hike. It was in the South Cascades, and I know it's realistic to expect snow in the mountains in May, but I was obviously having a brain fart when I got dressed this morning. In fact, I almost walked out of the house in shorts and my Chaco's. HA! Instead, luckily, I opted for jeans and my hiking boots, but that was only because I thought the terrain could have a lot of low ground coverage and I didn't want allergy issues. I should have worn synthetic pants and waterproof boots. There was so much snow, *we lost the trail over and over again and were forced to brave frozen snow drifts that left us stuck time and again with snow up to our thighs. It was hilarious and annoying and wet. But I loved being out there, with Lulu running wild and just being with the girls. It was good. Until...I fell. My left knee went down right onto a root curled up from under the ground. And as soon as I hit it, I knew. I knew I would be hurting something awful and indeed I am. I can't bend my leg without feeling excruciating pain. My knee cap is swollen round like a ball and it's just no bueno. I don't know how I'll manage tomorrow, but I will. Somehow.

I just ordered a new bag for myself. My pink timbuk2 bag has held up really well for the past 4 years, but the exterior has suffered some staining and I have really wanted to get a billboard bag. I ordered this one which is made from an actual billboard. I wanted an eco-friendly bag that was fun and had all the features of my timbuk2. Fingers crossed, this fits the bill for what I want. I hate having to return things.

On the Horizon

32 days left of school.

That number sounds HUGE. I mean, really, really HUGE.

I got a job offer from the interviews I had: Green Lake Elementary, which is just across the lake from me, offered me the Kindergarten position. They weren't my 1st choice, but I know I should feel happy that someone offered. The jobs were not that plentiful and the applicants were surely just the opposite. Andy, the first grade teacher across the hall who hates my school as much as I do got 2 job offers today. He accepted his top choice. One of those offers was from a school at which I also applied. I know what Todd would say, that it's because it's so much easier for a man to get hired in elementary school because there are so few of them. Maybe so, but I still wish I'd had an offer from my top choice.

The principal evaluated me today. She has to do 2 formal observations each year of each teacher. Jarred screamed, "I hate you! Shut up, Ms. B! All of you just shut up!" at the top of his lungs for much of the lesson. He also took erasers and pelted kids in the head. The principal did nothing. I realize she was doing an observation, but she's also the principal and should enforce her presence. On second thought, I guess that is how she enforces her presence. She does the same thing when I send him to her office: nothing. Often times, he gets a reward. Like on Friday, when he was removed from my room after having an episode, put in Ms. Shorter's 1st grade class and ate popcorn and colored all day.

I guess talking about that makes the job offer taste just a little bit sweeter. I'm off to drink margaritas with Katrina and Nikki at Green Lake. Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Milton

(Still) 34 days left of school!

The chocolate peanut butter cake I made in the crockpot didn't go as planned. The edges and bottom burned, filling the house with the smell of burning chocolate (not yum) yet the middle never solidified. It was gooey and pudding like. I didn't follow the recipe exactly, so it was definitely my fault. I used melted dark chocolate as opposed to cocoa powder. The inside did taste really good, though, so instead of tossing it, I put the inside of the "cake" into a cuisinart dish and put it in the fridge. Then I soaked the crockpot ceramic for a long time since that cake edge was really, really glued to it. I took the inners to the party and heated it in the oven, then topped it with vanilla ice cream. It was a hit! Yay for quick thinking. I couldn't enter my dish in the contest Chris held since it didn't actually come to her place in a crockpot, but I didn't care. Josh, on the other hand, said, "I wish I'd known it was a contest! I would have made something!" Josh has really become the cook in our household. I'm really impressed with how well he cooks and how he dresses up the dish he makes! It always comes out on the plate like it would at a fancy restaurant. I tell him he should take cooking classes. He used to be such a fervent artist, I honestly think cooking serves as a great creative outlet for him.

How do you wear flip flops without your feet looking homeless at the end of the day? Today was gorgeous. Josh invited me to go down to Milton for his gear fitting at the Fire Department. I didn't really want to get up early, but I knew he wanted me to see the station. Milton is just south of Federal Way and it's a small town. I don't think it's cute at all, but Josh reassured me we didn't have to live there for him to be on the department. I met the other new recruit when we were there, a guy who just got laid off from his department in South Pierce. Departments are laying off all over the place, which is suprising to me, but then I realize the same thing is happening in school districts. If we don't need teachers to educate our youth, why would we need people to respond to medical emergencies and burning homes? Totally makes sense to cut jobs in those two fields, right?! Hrm. It turned out all the guys were out doing drills when we got there, so they asked us to come back. The other new recruit and his girlfriend and dog joined us at the park nearby and we let the pups chase the ball for a while. Then, to kill some more time, we went to the SuperMall so I could return something at Old Navy. Halfway there, I started having an allergy attack. It got so bad by the time we got to the mall that I wanted to tear the skin off of my face. I couldn't handle it. It was so horrible. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I went straight into the bathroom and rinsed my face with cold water. My eyes and nose were so red. I came back out and Josh looked worried when he saw me. I told him I just wanted to go back to Milton and get his stuff and go home. When we got in the car we put up all the windows and turned on the A/C so I wouldn't have to deal with whatever was making me feel so miserable. On our way there, the Lt. called and told Josh that they were going to lunch and could he just come back in half an hour. He told her we were almost there, but she said she'd just give him his paperwork and he could do his gear fitting another day. I thought that was so inconsiderate. Josh was really good-natured about it, but I felt it was rude of them since we had already once been told we needed to wait around. In retrospect, I think I was just in a bad mood because of my allergies. Stupid growing things.

I started feeling tons better by the time we got back to the station so we decided to have lunch at Jimmy Mac's Roadhouse in Renton. I hadn't been there in years, but they still have the "Creek Chub Bait Co. Garrett, IN" sign up in one of the booths. I took a picture of it, since I had my camera in my purse. The first time I saw it, I thought it was so great. Garrett is just North of where my parents live in Indiana and I dated a guy from there years ago. To see that in a restaurant in Renton, WA is kind of a trip. After lunch and the drive back into the city, we decided to go visit South Lake Union Park since yesterday was the start of boating season and we thought we might see a few extra ships docked there. I took lots of pictures of the Virginia V, a steamship I have often thought I'd like to have a party on. It's beautiful, with all the charm preserved that it had in the 20's. I also discovered that MOHAI is moving to the old Naval Reserve building there in 2011. The park plans look really beautiful and I'm excited to see what that area will look like when they finish it.

After such a long day and my added exhaustion from my allergy attack, I thought I'd be glad to get home. When we did, though, I actually got right back into the car and went to Fred Meyer to get some things I needed for school. They didn't have them, but I probably spent a good hour just looking around at everything. It is very calming to me to look at things in stores by myself. Bookstores, home decor stores, TARGET, and apparently Fred Meyer are all places that serve the purpose. I hate being rushed unless I'm on a mission, so it's nice to go to these places alone when I'm not crunched for time. I managed to find things there, of course, so it wasn't a cheap therapy, but I think there's a lot to be said for retail therapy in itself.

Now some LOST, popcorn and snuggles before bed. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I wish I had 34 sick days I could use. Wah.