a change of heart

It's officially Spring Break! Good news.

And for the bad: Josh and I had the talk. The talk about US. Us as in him and me, not the country. He wants to live apart. I know I've been talking about it a lot- if not here, in my head. But when he suggested it, it only brought me to tears. It feels like such a rejection. It may truly be for the best, but that doesn't make it feel any less like a loss. I should be glad that it is with the idea that we won't be breaking up, but rather just stepping back and allowing us (him, mainly) to find our individual selves. He wants to have more of the mystery back, allowing us to miss each other more, which I translate to allowing us to appreciate each other more. He doesn't want to move back to FW or quit his work. These are good things. But he admitted he's not sure if he wants forever with me and that was hard to hear. I know I feel the same way, but, again, it's always harder to hear that someone else feels that way too. I am going to remain positive about this because I want to appreciate him more and gain his appreciation of me. That might be pathetic to say. I don't know. What I do know is that I can't let go and feel okay with that right now. If this gives US a chance, I'm willing to go into it with a good attitude.

We'll have to give notice to move out in a week or so. My parents arrive tomorrow, so I could say that this couldn't be more piss poor timing, but actually I think it will be good to keep them in the loop. I don't want to pretend that we're what we aren't. I don't want them to be under the illusion that we're happy homemakers when really we're just two ignorant people trying to figure out incredibly daunting things like love and what we really want for ourselves and our futures. It's good to figure this out now and I believe we're brave to do it rather than to resign ourselves to accepting what doesn't feel totally right even though that would be the easier route to take. I want to believe our choices are meant to be rather than random attempts at conforming to what we feel we're supposed to do based on what's the norm. It would be so easy to just get married and start a family like all of our friends have done because we're the right age or because we have "made it this far". I don't want to be with someone just because I love them and it's comfortable. I want to be with them because it would be impossible to live without them. So, I guess prefacing this with calling it bad news was not the right choice of words. The bad news is that I'm scared. The bad news is that my heart hurts. The good news is that I'm going to be strong and make certain of things before I commit my heart and soul to them.

I sound really confident, but the truth is I'm not. I'm still incredibly vulnerable and tearful. There is sure to be much more of that to come. I don't even want to think of how it will feel to separate our belongings and pack up and move to a place of my own. It feels like an ending when I consider living apart after two years of sharing everything with someone. It will be hard to think of it as giving this relationship more of a chance rather than less of one, but I will need to keep reminding myself that that's exactly what it is. Continuing down the same path is only going to bring us more of the same hardship. This will be a new beginning.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

gettin schooled

Josh passed his test and got into the EMT program! I am so happy for him. I am really, really hopeful this propels him forward into a Fire Department. Ever since he moved here, getting back into a Department has been on his mind. The struggle of that in this area without EMT certification has been frustrating at best. I know he's begun to believe he'll never be a FF again, but I really believe it's what he was meant to do. Of course, the knowledge that it would help solve all of his financial woes is in the forefront of my mind as well. Overall, I just want him to be happy.

Knowing he's going to be in school again come April 9 has me a little jealous. I hated, hated the pressures of grad school, but I also knew I would really miss being engrossed in learning after I graduated. And, after the relief of finishing my thesis and finally being done wore off, I was right. I love my job because I'm always learning, but I really miss being inspired and challenged academically. In the interest of "going back to school", I am considering getting an endorsement in teaching English as a Second Language to my teaching certification. I've emailed every program in the vicinity to ask for the bottom line cost. Because, let's be honest, I want a good program but it's all going to come down to which is cheapest. It looks like every program is roughly around the $6000 mark. As in, NOT cheap. :( I don't know if I can afford it, but it's still a consideration. Not only did I really love teaching ESL a few years back, but I think I could probably use that endorsement to help me get a job in another country teaching English if I ever decide to follow that dream.

Imagine being able to teach English in Greece! Warm, beach, sun, GREEK FOOD!!!! Maybe someday....

fated reunions

I can finally post about something that made me smile! (I was beginning to depress myself, re-reading my recent entries.) I just got home from a science training I had to go to after school. I was really dreading it because I had an early morning meeting and having to drive downtown after school in addition to this being a 12 hour day of work made me grumpy initially. BUT, when I arrived at the training, I sat down and spotted my old friend Ginny at the table next to me. Of course, I moved all my stuff so I could sit next to her and it was the greatest godsend I ever could have asked for. The training was actually fun! We didn't skip a beat and it was like not a day had gone by. We gabbed and joked and it was just like old times. After class, we spent an hour catching up! She's going through all the crap I did trying to get a contract. -Except she's still giving herself completely to AE2 with no hope of getting anything in return. In fact, I have more chance now of getting hired there than she does since I am the one with a contract. It's irony at its best.

In the midst of our catch-up-gab-fest post-class, Mel--my bestie from last year at TT Minor comes out of the stairwell and screams "Oh My God!!" and gives me a huge hug. Of course she and I also have to catch up. She then becomes part of the gab-fest, sharing with us her nightmare stories of Minor and how horrid it's been. She's displaced, too, so we'll be on the job hunt together. It sounds like she's been dealing with the same crap that I've been dealing with, only her students are 4 years older than mine. Her stories really solidified for me that getting out of teaching this demographic is the best thing I could ask for. I hate to admit that, but I believe it to be true now more than ever.

Anyway, I was on such a high after seeing those ladies. I know I need to make a date to see them both individually--and soon. We are all on such the same wavelength, it feels wonderful to have that kind of support. I hate that we're all unhappy with this district and our chosen career field in general, but I love not feeling so alone.

In 6 days, my parents will be in town and we're going to have a lot going on. I welcome the distraction. I also just need a vacation and I'm hoping it feels like one since it's the last official vacation I'll have until the end of July.

dissipate

I just visited a bunch of blogs I've been too swamped to visit for a while...as well as a few new ones. I don't know what my deal is, but I keep tearing up! First, I read about Lily's kitty Lola that passed after being hit by a car and her organs shutting down. I remember when she first got Lola, years ago. Reading her description of her love for Lola and the details of saying goodbye and then watching a video she made of Lola and her toddler son, Cash, well....needless to say, I was pretty emotional. Then I looked at some pictures of pregnant Crissy and read the details about her excitement that she is having a boy. I teared up again. And then just now, I watched a video montage of scenes from a wedding where there was so much love and so much happiness, I cried. I cried this time because I was jealous.

As I watched it, I thought it was beautiful to see that much love. I always thought I wanted that with Josh. I always hoped that would be us. Now, I'm not sure if that can be reality or if it's destined to remain a fantasy. Josh and I have definitely had our share of issues. He has a lot of challenges he faces just within himself. This morning, we had a conversation that led me to feel that the hope of a future that meets my desires and expectations is an impossible one. He's set himself up for so much frustration and stress, both personally and professionally. I can't support or understand why he's made and continues to make the choices he does. His problems, and my problems right now, are financial, sexual, emotional, and all of them are overwhelming. It's obvious that my work woes are enough of a stresser on me. Home should be my haven and it isn't.

My greatest fear right now is that, despite what I know and what my gut tells me, I have a problem letting go.

misplaced

I was forcibly displaced today. In the world of teaching, that's like accepting a transfer to another office without asking for it. I am still employed by the district, but I won't be teaching at my school next year. They had to displace a teacher at my school because of our budget being less next year, and it's a pretty common practice. When I questioned why it was me being displaced, my principal had to admit it was because she doesn't think the school is the right one for me. I could be wounded, but I hate it there and it isn't the right one for me. In actuality, I couldn't be happier with this decision. This is my way out.

Next month, jobs should open in the district that only in-district applicants can apply for. That will be me. If I don't get hired on to a school in that round, the district will still have to employ me and put me somewhere. I asked the principal if she would support me in this fight against the foster dads that I have going on. She said, "Absolutely." She told me she does not believe what they are doing to me is right. I hope she's telling the truth about having my back. Many people have told me she'd just as soon throw you under the bus than take a hit for any of her teachers, so I'm wary.

I haven't told the other K teacher yet, but she's going to be upset. Of course, she knows I want out, but I know she wanted me to be able to leave on my own accord--not be asked to go. I just can't suck up the way she does. I can't agree with choices this principal makes and I can't hide that. Most people can. I can't. I'm not right for the job because I can't fully support my principal. I just hope wherever I go next is different. I hope I can be somewhere I can be proud of. This may be public education, but there has to be some hope out there. There has to be at least one school in this district that doesn't lie and skimp and put blinders on. If there isn't, I'll have to admit this isn't the right job for me.

Drama King

The drama at work is utterly and completely out of control. The foster parents of my student who just qualified (after a lengthy evaluation) to be in an Emotional Behavior Disorder classroom sent me another harrassing email. This one included the following phrase: "You chose to make Jarred a target of your frustrations and now as his parent I'm going to make sure that you fly right the rest of the year." as well as this threat: "...I have no choice but to escalate this to the district and our representative from the school board to file a formal complaint against you....I am putting you on notice that for the rest of the school year you are going to have me, Jarred's social worker, his CASA, Gretchen, Sheila, and anyone else I bring in with their collective eyes on you." If these phrases make you think, "Oh my god! What happened?" I can assure you, that was also my reaction. The two foster dads of this child are trying to adopt him and the only reason I can think for their purpose in doing this is to try to discredit me because I am going to be one of the people asked by the courts to give my opinion of them. For some reason, they have the impression I blame them for his behavior. This was actually never my concern. Jarred comes from an abusive, neglectful family and it's why he was placed in foster care. I never believed these two men had anything to do with his behavioral and emotional issues.....until now. These are angry and threatening (threatened?) individuals who lack maturity and the skills to act as a role model for this child. The worst of it is that they have hit me in the heart. My "job" is something I put everything into. I am a full time caregiver, nurturer, and advocate for 25 children. Many of these children have seen things that no one should ever see and been treated in ways that no one should ever be subjected. I have a big "job" to do and I would venture to say that most people would never sign up for it and few of those who do would stay committed to it. On many days, with this child in particular, I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment and even *I* question my sanity in doing this day after day. I've come to find out that these attacks on teachers are commonplace. I am beginning to question if I'm game to take this abuse for years to come.

On a lighter note, I was able to conclude my horrible day with a treat last night. We went to see The Lion King at the Paramount. Mom bought us the tickets because they loved the show so much they saw in Indy. I can see why! I was blown away. The costumes, the sets, the music. It was truly and totally amazing. We had phenomenal seats, too, so that made the event that much more magical. I am really lucky to have parents who love the arts so much! When they come visit in a couple of weeks, we are going to see Hello, Dolly at the 5th Avenue theatre. The show won't be anything like The Lion King, but it will be neat to see the inside of that theater, since I never splurge to see any of the shows there. Also, I was Dolly in our HS production back in the day, so it will be fun to relive the show. Since then, in NYC, I saw Carol Channing as Dolly, but we had horrible seats and it wasn't much fun. The seats really do make a difference. As much as I loved seeing Wicked in LA over Xmas, I didn't feel totally consumed by it because I would have needed opera glasses to see their expressions.

peektures

my finger, post-surgery

cross country skiing during the girls' weekend in Leavenworth

beautiful mist in the mountain tops

Lulu's chosen stick for fetch-playing (apparently, size does matter)

this is why I love where I live

Lucinda Williams, herself

second position avec snowshoes

And a video... Lulu met a lab named Hush whose "dad" is someone who was skiing in the same area we were snowshoeing. Hush wears a cowbell. You can hear it clang as she and Lulu play. Josh kept saying "More Cowbell!" (which doesn't make sense unless you watch SNL)

anniversary excursion

Today, Josh and I drove up to Leavenworth and snowshoed the day away. We opted to do this instead of the trip to Vancouver we had planned to celebrate our Anniversary. Financially, it was the smart choice. And while it was no Canadian train getaway, it was really so much fun! Lulu was especially in love with the adventure and ran every ounce of energy out of her system. She is currently dead to the world on her chair.

Josh had never been up to Leavenworth and it was fun to show him the kitschiness of the town. Maybe 40 years ago, to encourage tourism to the town, they decided to fashion the whole place after a small town in Bavaria, Germany, which is the region I am originally from. All of the buildings are built/renovated and even painted to mimic Bavaria. Even Starbucks, McDonalds and the Best Western are outfitted complete with wooden painted signs in a German Alps style in lieu of the standard neon one you would normally see on their buildings. In the summers, they have townfolk dressed in lederhosen and dirndls, performing schublatteln (traditional Bavarian clothing and dancing as seen in National Lampoon when Chevy Chase gets into a slapping match with a male dancer) in the town square complete with accordion players and tuba players performing oom-pa-pa music. For a german native like me, it's totally ridiculous. For the average American, it seems to be a hit. I must admit it puts a smile on my face regardless of it being fake. And the area where the town sits is gorgeous. The mountains surround the town like the Alps do in Bavaria and winter is a haven for snow sports while summer is the ideal place for camping, rafting, hiking and kayaking.

For dinner, we went to a german-themed restaurant and Josh had spaetzle for the first time. It was a hit, which is great because I love the stuff and can't believe I haven't made it for him before. I'll definitely add that to the rotating dinner schedule from now on.

I desperately need to upload photos from my camera. As soon as I do, I'll add some pics from today and last weekend's girls' getaway. Right now, I need to call in a sub because I've decided to play hooky tomorrow for a much needed mental health day. I'm pooped!

getting all philosophical

A bunch of stuff has happened since I last posted: a fun getaway weekend with girlfriends to Leavenworth, a harassing email that nearly sent me over the edge at work, more disrepectful treatment by coworkers, and the celebration of my 2 year anniversary with Josh.

But I don't want to post about those things right now. I'm more focused on the broader topic of my life in general. I am preoccupied with how I'm choosing to live my life and what I'm inviting for my future. In the last few years, I've made a giant leap from my uber social, economically unpredictable, self-medicated past filled with no moments just for me, to a more quiet and even anti-social, partnered life where I am working a consistent job (and presumably building a career). In recent months, I've become more social and more independent than I've been in the recent past. Still, I've maintained more of the quiet life to which I've transitioned and have been committed to my relationship with Josh both emotionally and financially. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm unhappy with it all. I don't want the life I had when I was miss popularity; I think I really do want the relationship and the house and the family.... But I also want to be happy in my career, and I want a partner who is happy in his. I want to feel attractive. I want my partner to feel the same. I want to feel financially stable. I want to feel like having a family is both truly desired and an intelligent decision. I don't have any of that. So how do I change it? And can I change it with Josh or must I change it alone?

This is what preoccupies my mind....