Getaway Weekend

I am way behind in Internet stuffs--emails, blogging, etc. etc. I am going to remain behind, too, because I am leaving for the weekend. We're about to head out to the mountains. More specifically, to the Mt. Baker area to stay in a great house/cabin for Kat and Angela's birthdays. I wish we were going to LaPush (If you read Twilight Books, you'll have an idea what I'm talking about even if you don't live here!) as was originally planned, but I know we'll have a good time no matter what.

We were supposed to go to look at/test drive/possibly buy my new car today, but Josh made a huge error in last minute laundry this morning. He washed a whole pack of gum with a load. In addition to the laundry smelling minty fresh, it is thoroughly covered in gum. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR! I was SO MAD when I started pulling clothes out and pieces of gum were making them stick together. I am only slightly less angry than I was. Namely because it all but completely ruined my bathing suit. I knew there was a reason I preferred to be responsible for our own laundry.....I should have stuck to that! There is nothing I can do about it now, so I just need to let it go.

I have baked a surprise cake for the girls and I got everything ready for Ilsa, our dogwalker who is staying at our house for the weekend with Lulu. Now I just need to pack the last of the clothes and we'll be on our way.

Have a great weekend!!

Arctic Dreams

My post yesterday was due to my uncontrollable crying. It's cryptic, but it really was just verbatim what was going on in my brain. I can't push past the depression, the guilt, and the loss of self-esteem that has haunted me since the chemo. Even going to Angela's birthday dinner last night wasn't any help. I faked it, but I'm pretty sure it was only because I was able to drown my sorrow in a bottomless glass of wine.

Today is so hot, I feel withered. I woke up tired and in a fog, and I have really needed a nap since. I haven't accomplished much in this heat. Tomorrow we are scheduled for a record-breaking 103 degrees. Josh has canceled his work for tomorrow and we plan to all 3 go to the beach and soak in the water all day. There's nothing else that can be accomplished in this weather. Having a house outfitted with a/c is rare around here, considering we live in a temperate zone. Thus, we just lie like slugs in the living room with fans blowing on us and spritzer bottles filled with water that we use to mist ourselves every now and again. How pathetic.

I am trying to drink water constantly, but it still never feels like enough.

Since I'm not moving, I suppose I'll begin work on redoing Josh's website. Then, in a bit, we'll go to the movies for real relief. Hurray!

Loop

Step inside my brain for a moment.

Would you still be my friend if you knew?

Would you still love me if you knew?

Would you still want to be with me if you knew?

I am broken. I am worthless. And it's all my fault.

And, repeat...

Rescue

Just got back from camping. I got all the laundry sorted, the food put away, and I'm showered and fresh. Camping would be more fun if it wasn't so filthy. My car looks like I went four wheeling.

I might post more about the weekend, but right now I'll just settle for posting about Friday night. We had the biggest scare and I haven't told Josh since we didn't have cell service and he's at the station for the weekend.

Shortly after we arrived at the campsite and got the tents set up, Jeff went into the river next to our site to do some flyfishing. Lulu mistook his bobber for a ball and thought when he was casting, he was playing fetch. She dove right into the rapids and started getting swept into the falls. I saw the panic on her face, her little legs treading to swim against the strong current. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to save her.

I ran into the river, fully clothed, tripping over rocks to get to her in time. Just as she was swept underwater, I grabbed her collar and pulled. I was swept over the boulder, but my parental survival instincts kicked in (seriously!) and I used everything I had to push her over the rock into shallower water, then surfed up over to the same area. When I got out of the water, dripping wet, I was shaking from the cold and the adrenaline. I lost both of Josh's adidas soccer flips to the current, but I realized quickly that was ridiculous to be upset over.

I was so glad he wasn't there. We probably would have had to pack up the car and go home. Poor guy has been through too much in the way of my safety lately. In fact, I'm debating telling him about any of it even. I am just glad it turned out okay. I could NOT imagine losing Lulu or telling Josh that she was gone and I couldn't save her.

Validation

Despite the fact that I got out of the house yesterday to go see the Cowboy Junkies show with Angela at the Zoo, I hit an all-time low of depression over the miscarriage last night. I was feeling really desperate for answers, so I turned to the amazing Internet. In my search, I found a forum for those suffering from PCOS. Within it was a thread devoted to ectopic pregnancies. It was a godsend. I posted my story last night and awoke today to at least 10 people who had replied with their own, similar, experiences. Most importantly, they shared the feelings and thoughts that I carry in my heart and brain. I felt such a sense of relief.

As such, today has been pretty a-ok. I had to go through the routine again today: Go to hospital, wait, get blood drawn, go to doctor's office, wait, wait, wait, get results, talk to doctor, wait, talk to doctor, then leave. I discovered things are progressing well with the miscarriage, but I will need to do the same routine once per week for the next 5 weeks or so. FUN! They need to monitor me til my pregnancy levels are at 0 and then for at least 1 week afterwards, to ensure all parts of the fetus were miscarried. In rare cases, she said some cells from the fetus might be resistant to the chemo and start to grow again, putting me at risk for the same things as before. And just when I thought I was in the clear... Well, I am perhaps the eternal optimist, but I think it will be okay.

I am going camping tomorrow with Sharonne and 8 others. Josh will be at the station for the weekend and he is a bit nervous about my adventurous spirit while I'm in this state. I know I will listen to my body, though, and only do what I can without being irresponsible. I want to have fun, but I've been through too much to risk feeling this way again! The best part is that Lulu will be coming, too. I hope she minds her manners. When there's a lot going on, she gets a little amped up. She becomes something of a 6 year old on a pixie stick high. Poor baby. She's just overly enthusiastic. There could be worse traits for someone to have.

Happiness Prevails

How's about a happy post? Yes? Good. I agree.

I felt really good today. I even vacuumed and made lunch! Quite an achievement as of late, you must understand. Todd visited. I hadn't seen him since he left for Peru 2 1/2 weeks ago, so I was super happy to give him squeezes and kisses. He brought me seed jewelry, per the usual, which I love. I have to keep them in the freezer for 2 weeks in case there are eggs in there that will hatch and result in eaten seeds. Yuck! I guess you have to take such precautions when you buy fresh seed jewelry from Amazonian natives, though....

Josh got home shortly before he arrived, so we three took Lulu and Bella down to the lake for a swim. Those 2 are so cute. Lulu does these amazing belly flop leaps into the water that yield so much attention and appeal. It's hilarious. After that excursion, though, I was wiped. I am still exhausted and needing to regain my energy. Todd pretty much agreed to babysit Lu while we are in Hawaii, which is FANTASTIC. Now we only have to find someone to keep her while we are at the cabin for Ang and Kat's bdays. I called Ilsa (our dogwalker) to see if she'd be game and left a message. Fingers crossed.

Would you like to see where we are staying in Hawaii? I am getting excited!

This is our view. These are the Mokulua Islands that are off of Lanikai Beach.



This is what it will look like when I kayak to the bigger of the 2 islands to lay on the beach there.



This shot includes Josh. ;)



This is the bedroom in our cottage.



This is the kitchen.




I plan to take 5 kajillion pictures, so of course this is just a taste of what you'll experience upon our return. Yay for vacations!

I am totally busting out to MGMT's Kids as I type. 107.7 The End has been playing this song constantly and I can't get it out of my head, so of course I had to succumb to purchasing it on iTunes. Which reminds me to vent: exactly when did iTunes increase the price of a download from 99cents to $1.29? Ridiculous!

The bonus conclusion to the day is that Ilsa just called to say, Yes, she can house/puppy sit while we are at the cabin and we just sold our Crate & Barrel couch for a 150% profit. Score! I was so excited, I called Josh to tell him. Poor guy picks up no matter what these days, ever since I scared him with my medical woes. Earlier today he was hanging off the side of a building when he answered my call and just now he was in the middle of a training at the fire house. I need to tell him to not pick up when busy unless I text him to say it's an emergency. Makes me feel guilty, ....but lucky, too.

Update

Just emailed this to mom and some friends:

Just to keep you abreast: My doctor urged me to go in for another ultrasound today, based on the amount of pain I was dealing with this past weekend. After the ultrasound, which was inconclusive, I was urged to go to the ER. So, Josh and I spent 5 hours there tonight with me hooked up to IV's and monitors. Turns out, I am miscarrying the fetus as was hoped post-chemo and likely will not have to undergo surgery or further chemotherapy. In other words, everything is happening as planned.

Just a bit of a scare that I would have to undergo emergency surgery. But, it looks like I can just deal with this at home. Will have to go back on Thursday to get blood levels checked again to confirm that this is actually the case, but I feel that it will be.

I am feeling tons better since the weekend, and even got my appetite back during the ER visit. Had my first meal in days at Kabul, the Afghani restaurant in Wallingford. I ate light, but it's promising that I'm eating again. Doctor predicts I'll stop bleeding in a matter of weeks. (I'm hoping for sooner).

Hunger Pangs

I have not been able to eat much of anything this weekend due to an inhumane amount of pain. I called the on-call resident to ask him to call me in a scrip for some pain meds, but he wanted me to come in to the ER first. Uh, no thanks, I'll wait til my doctor is in tomorrow and pay tons less to get "checked out". I just want drugs.

Then I remembered that I have an old bottle of codeine from 5 years ago (at least). I read once that medicine doesn't really go "bad" after the expiration date, it just loses its potency to some degree. So I took it. And now? I am STARVING. I don't feel 100% pain-free, but I feel way better than I did. And I don't want what we have in the kitchen. I want Indian food. Or Mediterranean Kitchen. (With you, Erika!) But it's midnight, so I guess I won't be giving in to these cravings. By tomorrow, when it's possible to, I won't likely be hungry again. I'll be in pain again. Hrm.

Thank you to all of you for your kind words via comment and email. I didn't realize all of you were reading! Sneaky... I haven't been awake long enough to respond to everyone, yet, but I will.

This has been so hard for me. It's been hard for Josh, too. But right now I just need to focus on feeling better. I am supposed to go camping next weekend, celebrate 2 friends' birthdays at a cabin the following weekend, and leave for Hawaii the weekend after that. Not to mention how LONG I've been feeling this way and it's supposed to be my vacation! Before you know it, I'll be back to school and won't have any time to myself. I am angry that I've been missing out on life, let alone vacation time, for this long. I am tired of hurting and bleeding and I long to be myself again. SOON. It's starting to feel like an impossibility.

Results, Step 2

I got my blood draw to check my HCG levels today. Then Josh and I waited in the exam room 2 agonizing hours before anyone told us anything. We were finally told that it showed the fetus was growing still, but in the wrong place so I would need to do the chemo to abort it.

Dammit.

I started to cry because I didn't want to kill it. I really hoped it would just die on its own. I know it's just a bunch of cells that wouldn't go to term anyway and possibly kill me on the way by rupturing the organ or tube it is in, but....dammit.

While we waited another HOUR for the chemo to arrive, I told Josh I felt like I wanted to bash my head into a wall. I can't explain really why I felt that way, but I just felt so angry and I felt disappointment. With myself, I think. I'm not sure why.

When we got home, I took a long nap. I'm feeling effects from the chemo already. It was injected into the back of my hips and that's sore, plus the area directly to the front of that area is in pain, inside. I am not nauseous yet, and I hope it never comes. On Thursday, I go back to get my levels checked again. If this round "doesn't take", I'll have to get chemo again.

I wish to feel normal again soon.

Results, Step 1

I saw the specialist yesterday. What was scheduled to be a 50 minute appointment turned into a 6 hour series of events I don't think I'll ever forget. For the sake of documenting it for myself, I'm going to type it all out below. But the nuts and bolts of the story are that I'm pregnant. The fetus is likely not in my uterus, though, but rather in my fallopian tube. I also may be miscarrying it. That would explain the pain and the bleeding. I have to wait til Friday to be sure, though. I'll get tested again at that point. I am such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I went from shock to happiness to sadness to anger within minutes, it seems. I'm happy that I can get pregnant because I really didn't think I could. Naturally, I'm devastated that I am carrying a baby in the wrong place and am either miscarrying or will have to abort it. I am scared that the only 2 options for aborting it are with chemotherapy or surgery. I am angry that this is "happening to me." On Friday, I will know more. Until then, things are pretty glum in our house. Josh is really sad about it, but he is being incredibly nurturing and supportive.

Here's the play by play...

At the appointment, which I was late for because I unwittingly wrote the time down wrong, she could only talk to me for 10 minutes before her next patient. I gave her the gist of what's been going on and she said that I was likely bleeding so long due to being ammenhoreac, which just means that I don't get my period very often. She said she would prescribe me some Provera to stop the bleeding and then schedule me for an ultrasound for 2 weeks from now to see what the deal with the pain was.

She then asked me to pee in a cup for a standard pregnancy test that they do at that office. I thought it was dumb to do since I had obviously been having my period for a month. But then, just before she was supposed to give me the scrip and I was to leave, she came in and said, "Never mind what I said before. We have a different scenario on hand. You're pregnant." I about fell off the table when she said that! I got very teary and said, "This can't be good. I've been bleeding for a month!" She did a quick pelvic exam and said it looks good because I'm not exhibiting signs of internal bleeding. I didn't know what she meant by that til later.

Then I had to go to the hospital for an emergency blood draw and ultrasound. The Radiologist couldn't see a fetus in my uterus, which basically meant my pregnancy was probably ectopic, which means it's in my fallopian tube and thus needed to be aborted. She (Radiologist) wanted me to go right to the ER for surgery, but she called my gynecologist first who just asked that I come back to her office instead.

So I did, and she told me then that there are 1 of 3 scenarios going on: 1. I have an ectopic pregnancy that needs to be removed by surgery or chemotherapy, 2. I have an ectopic pregnancy that is miscarrying (explaining the blood) or 3. I have a healthy pregnancy that is too early to be identified on an ultrasound and is possibly going to be okay but is just having a rough start (ie the pain and bleeding). The third scenario is the least likely.

By this time, I had called Josh and he joined us and got up to speed. We agonizingly waited for the blood results to help us determine the case. If my hormone levels were high, it would indicate a developed pregnancy in the wrong place (the tube), and we would need to operate or do the chemo before it could burst my tube and I developed internal bleeding (which is what she was checking for in my pelvic exam). If my hormone levels were low, it indicated an underdeveloped pregnancy that could be in my tube or my uterus, requiring us to wait 2 days and test the levels again to be more certain.

When my levels came back, they were low, so I would have to wait 2 days to get them checked again. On Friday, if those levels have doubled, I am likely having a normal pregnancy. If those levels have dropped, I am likely having a miscarriage. If those levels are only slightly elevated, I likely have an ectopic pregnancy in my fallopian tube that will need to be aborted.

I feel strongly that I have an ectopic pregnancy. Friday will help me determine whether or not I have to go through chemo. I don't want to do surgery because there is always a risk involved. Chemo will be hard--I will be in a lot of pain for at least 72 hours after getting the shot of chemo, with likely nausea. There is also still a chance my tube could burst despite or during that time. So I will have to be closely monitored.

What I did get was a shot of Rogan because I am O negative, so if the fetus in me is a positive bloodtype, I could reject it or any future positive bloodtype fetus. That shot was pretty painless.

I have shed a lot of tears. Josh wants me to be pregnant in a healthy way, but I don't feel in my heart that is the case. Regardless, I am looking at a lot more time of "not feeling normal".

Aloha

Remember how I said Josh and I were going to Brazil this summer? I was wrong. Josh did not get his butt in gear and get his visa in time. :( It was also really anxiety-inducing for him because of how much the plane ticket and visa were going to be. So, we changed our plans and put Brazil on hold.

We're going to Hawaii instead! We'll be there from Aug.9-14. Not super long, but I'm really looking forward to the break. And Josh has never been, so it will be fun to see him light up at all the beauty. I am feverishly looking for lodging in Kailua, which is away from the hubub of Waikiki. There are no hotels in Kailua, so we have to either stay at a B&B, which is like staying in some stranger's house (always tiring) or in someone's guest house (which is nearly the same, but not). I naturally want the guest house option, but many of those have already been spoken for. Seems like the ones that haven't are a teensy bit out of our price range..... Well, it will all work out in the end.

I can't wait to get my medical concerns worked out so I can actually get excited about this trip! As of now, I feel like I might never stop bleeding and never be able to walk or run or bend pain-free. Last night I cried in Josh's arms about it. I didn't mean to. He was holding me and I was talking to him about how I am so tired of feeling this way and in the midst of my words, I was surprised to be interrupted with forceful sobs. He was concerned and held me tight. He asked me what I was feeling and I told him I was just so miserable being like this and how I don't want him to think of me as such a weak, pathetic person. He assured me that he doesn't think that at all. He just wants for me the same thing as I do. He wants me to not be in pain or be so affected in this way. It felt so good to cry in his arms. I have been holding a lot of this inside of me. I have never, ever been good at resting. I am a very active person and sitting around makes me feel shamefully lazy. But for the last month, I have been doing a lot of just sitting around and sleeping in. And I feel horrible about myself as a result. I have not accomplished much of anything, though I've been trying to "live life as usual". When you feel like your insides are separating, tearing, getting stabbed on a continual basis...well, you don't feel like life is "usual" so living it as such is difficult.

I finally made an appointment with another doctor, since mine seems to be just waiting out my pain. I made an appointment with a specialist who is a gynecologist dealing with "problem issues". When I called and the receptionist told me this, she said, "The Dr. won't see you for just any issue. She can only accept new patients for extreme problems." I said, "I have Ammenorhea and I have been bleeding for nearly a month with extreme pain and possible cyst ruptures." She said, "Allright, can you come in tomorrow?" Haha. I guess I qualify! I'm glad she'll be able to get me in so soon. I'll be going in at 1:30. I am hopeful she can just tell me how I can stop hurting and feeling so tired. Even if she can't stop the bleeding (though that's likely why I'm so tired). I can handle that part, though I should have stock in O.B. at this rate. Then, of course, I hope she can help fix everything else. But first, the pain.

mish mash

I just got back from visiting with Kat up in Padilla Bay. It was so peaceful and beautiful. She is renting a great little place on a tree farm right on the water. When she told me it was a farm, I expected it to look like farmland. I guess tree farms are different, though. It just looks like lush, forested property. The main house is large and modern and the whole front is windows overlooking the bay. There are lots of little garden plots in front of the house as well as a greenhouse, but other than that, it doesn't look any different than any other waterfront property. It's really quiet up there and it reminds me of being at the lake in Indiana, except there are islands out in the "lake" and the "lake" is really the ocean and mountains surround it...but OTHERWISE it's totally the same. ;) Last night, we went to the nearest town, roughly 7 minutes away, called Edison. It has 2 bakeries, 2 restaurant/bars, 2 art galleries, a clothing boutique, and a liquor store attached to someone's house. Very small, very quaint, very...limited. It was fun for a night, but I don't think I could live there long-term. It was trivia night at the saloon we were visiting, so we played. With only one round to go, we were in second place. The final round was the music round, requiring us to name the artists of 10 songs played. We BOMBED that round. So much so, we ended up in LAST place. It was really hard. The artists I can recall were Kenny Loggins, the Ting Tings, Winger, Dionne Warwick and Hank Williams, Jr. FAIL.

I am still bleeding, 3 weeks later. The pain has minimized, but I am still exhausted all the time. I don't know why my body is acting this way.

I am going to start a GI diet blog, with recipes that I try. I got a new book to help me out:


It's filled with yummy-sounding recipes, so I hope it helps me feel less miserable about having to comply with this new lifestyle.

Last Monday, Todd left for Peru to do research in the Amazon and on Saturday Nikki leaves for Nepal to implement the goals of her non-profit. I am anxious to hear the stories when they return, but after Kat told me she is going to Pulau next month, I was left with Travel envy of the greatest kind. I want to be rich enough to go on adventures every day, every month, every year. And have a house to come home to. And a car that I love. And paid off student loans. Am I asking for too much?

Moving Pictures

Josh and I just saw Public Enemies. It was fantastic! Highly recommended. Plus, John Dillinger is from Indiana and they reference Indiana throughout. That added to our enjoyment. I love the 30's. I would totally have dated a gangster/bank robber. Is that odd?

unhealth

This past week has been pretty hard on me, health-wise. Ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I've been taking a lot of herbal remedies and vitamins to help with my liver function. My liver is not pushing out the testosterone in my body like most female's livers do, so I am not ovulating and my emotions are very unpredictable. I also lack a great deal of energy because I am not able to process Vitamin D correctly. Last week, I got my first period in months. This made me think I was getting better. Then, 4 days after it stopped, I started another period. Heavier and more painful than the first. I called the Naturopath describing the pain and we are now pretty certain I'm not having my period, I'm simply bleeding from an ovarian cyst slowly popping. There are moments when I think, "OMIGOD THE PAIN PLEASE JUST KNOCK ME OUT RIGHT NOW" and then, it goes away. But then I move or sit in a way that puts pressure on it and I want to scream. I'm looking at 2 more months (at least) of so many pills every morning, drinking a disgusting tincture in juice, and putting beta-carotene drops on my tongue. Additionally, I have to radically change my diet. This is the part that scares me more than anything. Because of this PCOS, I am exhibiting diabetic-type symptoms in regards to insulin, so I have to eat a low-glycemic diet. That isn't the scary part. The scary part is that I basically have to eat all day long and, it's going to sound weird but, I really hate eating. Some things are yummy and if I am hungry I will happily eat them. But eating isn't fun to me. I like to do it once, maybe twice a day. Other than that, it seems really tedious. With this diet, I'm supposed to eat six times a day--at least. I don't think I'm going to be very good at it. It sounds expensive and time consuming and... boring.

Although I've been in too much pain to be really active this week, I've managed to do some fun things on my first real week of vacation. On Tuesday, I met the girls at Post in Post Alley for drinks and I ended up singing Billie Jean with the band in front of the whole place. Yesterday, I met some friends for lunch at Zeek's and then I took Lulu to the beach. The weather was so glorious and the beauty of the ocean and mountains were breathtaking. I felt like I was in the Mediterranean. I am a lucky girl to live where I do! When I got home, I packed a picnic and met Nikki at the Zoo for the Patty Griffin/Emmylou Harris/Shawn Colvin show. Afterwards, we went to her house and had a fire pit fire in the backyard with her boyfriend and two of his friends. Josh and Lulu joined us just before midnight.

My favorite event of the week was getting an iPhone!!! I love it. It was Josh's birthday present to me. Josh has been an amazing boyfriend throughout all this crap with my health. I am very lucky to have his love and adoration. He's going to the fire station again tonight and I am bummed about that. I've been busy with friends for 2 nights in a row and I could really use some downtime with him tonight. I guess that will have to wait til tomorrow....