Nyella

On Saturday morning, a horrible tragedy happened in a nearby neighborhood. A townhouse caught on fire and 4 children and a 22-year old woman were trapped inside. When the fire was finally put out, the deceased bodies of the individuals were found huddled together in the bathroom upstairs. It was the worst fire tragedy in four decades in this city. They still haven't discovered what started it.

As I watched Last Comic Standing tonight, a preview of the upcoming nightly news came on during the commercials. On the screen was a large picture of one of my students last year. The sight of her face instantly made my heart glow. But the words that accompanied her face made no sense. It was like watching an old Kung Fu movie and hearing the soundtrack from a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Still, I knew what I heard even if it didn't match what my eyes saw. I convinced my mind I had been mistaken and the picture was not of her--just another beautiful girl who was lucky enough to look like her. Josh was on his laptop and I smacked his arm in reflex and said, "Please. Look. Look up the story about the fire. It can't be her. They don't live in that neighborhood. That's not her." He was confused because he hadn't been watching the tv. But he knew what I meant when I said to look up the fire because everyone had heard of the tragedy.

There it was in black and white. Her name. Her picture. The story. All together. I kept staring. I screamed, "NO!" No. No. No. I felt tears. Such hot tears. My body unable to figure out what to do: stand, crouch, sit, arms encircling my legs, hands pulling at my hair. 'Who should I call? What should I do? How can this be???' No.

My eyes are swelled. My nose is stuffy. I'm tired from crying. I'm unable to rest. I feel....helpless.

This has never happened to me before. I have never lost a student. Because my students are so young, I hold them and kiss them and snuggle them. I kiss their bandaged hurts and stroke their hair when they feel cranky. I see them more than their parents do and they rely upon me to nurture and love them. And it was so easy to love her. She was full of love. She was full of light. I know it's easy to say that when you lose someone. But I said these things all the time during our days together. She simply was a magical child.

And now she's gone. And I don't know what to do.