Lazy

Lazy is the only real excuse I have for why I've been absent from the Internet. I have good intentions. I should be able to keep up since I'm on "vacation" from work. Oh, right, except I'm not. Remind me again why I'm teaching summer school??? Oh yeah. September paycheck will be FAT. *sigh* That is SO far off, I just don't feel motivated by that.

In other news, July totally became my workout month. I have been doing Pilates 2-3x a week and going to boot camp 2x a week. It's been really good for me, though I have to admit it's been hard not to get discouraged. I haven't seen any change in my appearance. I know it's only been 3 weeks, but that feels like an eternity when you are sacrificing your free time up to 5x a week to sweat and groan and when you ache so bad the next day you can barely walk up and down the stairs.

On Monday, I had a doctor's appointment with the same doctor that told me I was pregnant a year ago, then told me I would have to get chemo to abort it because the fetus was outside my uterus. I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with her last November, but the trauma of ER visits, sonograms that showed NOTHING, bleeding for 6 weeks, the pain.....let's just say I was not interested in being reminded so soon after the experience. Well, I'd love to say "What a difference a year makes", but I can't. This time, she told me I need to decide NOW if I am ever going to have a baby. The reason being, I am on the road to edometrial cancer due to my PCOS. She said, if I want to have a baby, I have to do it now so she can force ovulation and then start the process of cancer prevention (which would also prevent me from getting pregnant). If I don't want a baby, she will start the cancer prevention now.

Now this would all be cut and dry except that I am with someone who doesn't want to get married, is apathetic about having babies and who frustrates me from a financial "get your life together" perspective. I love him. I know this with all my heart. He loves me. I know this with all my heart. It doesn't feel like enough right now for me to say, "Let's get pregnant!". And yet, it might be my only opportunity. Do I risk having a baby with someone I don't know about the long term with, just so I can have a baby? Or do I say, "Well, I wasn't in a place to have a baby when I needed to decide, so I just never had a baby." Therapy on Thursday will help me decide, I guess.

On the bright side, Josh and I head to Maui for 5 days on the 6th of August and then I leave for NYC 2 days later for 10 days. If July was workout month, August is travel month. I'm anxious to move on to the next thing.