breakdown

I guess we knew it was going to happen.  I was going to break.  Completely and utterly break. down. And I did.

The screaming, the cussing, the punching, the kicking.  It just got to be too much. My top sociopath in my class: age 6: broke me down to tears today.  I just can't protect 24 kids from him every single day. I can't do it. If that makes me a bad teacher, then so be it.  I will accept that criticism.  I'm ready.

He was suspended for two days, finally, so we can actually have some peace in the classroom.  For two days.  Tomorrow morning, I decided, I'm going to hug every single one of my kids at morning meeting and tell them that I love them.  Because they might not believe it anymore.  My classroom has become an unsafe hellhole. It is this experience that confirms to me that I will have to think long and hard about ever sending any possible future offspring to public school.  Remember that public school is for everyone.  It must serve everyone. And, what you might not know is, it has no resources to do so.  This child has a right to an education. Everyone does. But at the expense of 24 others? With the design of our Public School System, yes.  He will be in an EBD (emotional behavior disordered) class next year, I can almost bet my life on it. But the evaluation takes a long time and that's why I and my 24 other students will have to endure this abuse for 5 more months.  I shudder to think what it will be like--what I will be like--5 months from now.  But I can't do that.  I can't think about then.  I have to take each day as it comes.  Attack each day's challenges as I meet them. And remain optimistic.

Now, I must walk some of this stress and anxiety off with my Lulu and then go get a drink with my Josh. 

On the Horizon

Lots of exciting things in the works for Josh, which makes me happy too.

Within the next few days, he'll be fitted for hearing aids that will dramatically affect his life for the better.  Words can't express how much I await this with anticipation....

Potentially only slightly less life-affecting, he has a new, exciting job prospect that has breathed life into him it seems. We went out for breakfast on Sunday to Chace's and he picked up the classifieds to browse while we waited for food. There, in the Employment section, was an ad for Firefighters for Tukwila FD.  He read me the details and it stated that all that was required was experience.  When we got home, he hopped online and found that EMT cert was also required.  He's planning to get the cert this Spring, but he's not slated to test for the program til next month...almost one month after the app is due.  After a series of phone calls, he learned today that they may hire for entry level in addition to the lateral FF positions, which would mean he could apply without being EMT certified.  Essentially, he got the go ahead to apply and then test for the IFSTA exam.  He began pouring over the phone book-sized text yesterday.  I want to help him any way I can, so I'm typing up his chicken scratch notes as he covers each chapter. The test will occur in a couple of weeks.  The EMT program entry test will occur a couple of weeks after that.  So basically, it'll be: cram, take test, cram, take second test, wait for results.  All excruciating steps.  But it could be totally worth it.  He could potentially be in a job he loves, with a good salary and/or have a certification that could allow him to work in a variety of positions and even seek another firefighter position should this one not work out.  I'm going to remain optimistic.  Especially since Josh is ever the half- empty-glass kind of person.

My job situation continues to drive me to an early grave.  One of my kindergarteners never arrived at daycare after taking the bus home, so naturally her parents were notified and her dad came to school in search of her.  We had no info. I had to call other children who road that same bus with her. One confirmed that she was on the bus, but did not get off at the stop with them like she was supposed to. Another confirmed that she got off at another stop, and they delivered her home.  The brother at home was called and said she never arrived. I was left no other option but to call 911. In the midst of describing her clothing that day, the father rushes back in to the office to tell me and the other teachers working on finding her that he reached his son again on his cell and she had just arrived at home. Apparently, she got off the bus at the wrong stop, on purpose, to play with her friends.  Where she was between then and the time she arrived at home (45 minutes) will probably remain a mystery. Arrrrrgh.  I hope she is taught how horrible this decision of hers was. She is the type of child that just doesn't seem to "get it".  

I watched Idol tonight and found it somewhat boring.  I hate Hollywood week.  I am anxious for it to get down to 10.  That's much more manageable and interesting to me. During our viewing, Josh and I put Peanut Butter on Lulu's nose and watched her in amusement (we sound like horrible dog parents, I know).  But it's so funny and cute!  I leave you with a photo:

Whining of the now

My job has really been taking its toll on me. I am always exhausted, I am emotionally drained, I meet each day with a level of anxiety and apprehension and I am finding comfort in things like sugar and wine. Needless to say, I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight.  All of this contributes to low self-esteem and an increase in depression.  It's crap. I hope with all my might I can get a job at a different school, preferably out-of-district, come next fall.  It's the only way I'll be able to enjoy life again.

Josh's business is in a lull.  A major lull. I feel like I have to be conservative in every spending choice I make.  As a result, I feel extremely limited in what activities I can do.  We spend a lot of time at home. On the couch. In front of the tv.  Me drinking wine. Is it any wonder I'm fat and I feel so depressed?

One day, things will be different.  I don't have the power to change it right now because I need a job to survive financially and I have a commitment to 25 5 and 6 year olds to uphold. I am working on making things different for next year, though. Little by little, it will change.

100 Things

Bold what you've done.  No caveats--no additions--just bold what applies to you exactly as it is stated.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Received flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

Starbucks

Starbucks, originally uploaded by maus.

The bike rack at our local Starbucks has been put to better use in this weather. :)

Our front steps

Our front steps, originally uploaded by maus.

The Blizzard....

has officially hit. And the snow just keeps falling.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!