Little Loves

I got this email from a mom of my student who not only brought me a big heart box of candy yesterday, but also a Mylar balloon and card:

Just wanted to share, we were picking our your card (his idea - very important) and I read one he picked and it was a bit too romantic. "Layne it says 'I love you so very much' " Layne replied with "But I do love Ms. B so very much". Then another romantic one said 'On our first Valentines Day'. Layne said "But this is our first Valentines Day". Ha ha Fun experience.

I love my munchkins. I am so very lucky.

Kinder Babble

Me:"So, let's stretch out our words when we write them today. Listen for all the sounds you hear when you say the words. I'm going to write, 'We went to see the U.S.S. Arizona.' Who can help me spell 'We'?"

Excited Kindergarten boy raises hand and I call on him.

Kindergartner: "Oh! I know this! 'W'..." (waits for me to write W). "I" (waiting for me to write 'I' as I hesitate). "And another I after you write that."

WII. Oh, but of course.

tie red

What a week! I am dead. I had a good week but I am busier than I ever thought I could be this early into the year!

Cute Kindergarten moment: Yesterday, I assessed the kids in their "writing", which looks like pictures right now of course. I gave them a three page booklet and asked them to write a story about someone who is important to them. I wandered around the room, taking dictation to add words to their stories. Most kids had written about mom or dad; some had written about a friend or a cousin. I stopped at Madeline's desk and she had filled all three pages with the same person. I said, "Tell me your story!" She said, "Well, that's you." My heart melted. Who says I don't get paid enough?! That's worth more than money.

I am really enjoying my kids. It's an incredible amount of work, but it's truly the way a school should be. Things aren't perfect, but they are leaps and BOUNDS better than the years I worked in inner city schools. I hate that I'm only 20 minutes north of the South End and in such a different, far better world, but that's the reality of public education. It's not fair.

We're going to Maura and Dan's wedding tomorrow and Josh freaked out when I reminded him of it. We went tonight to the Rack to get him a new shirt and tie and he said, "You owe me one, honey. You gave me absolutely no notice to get clothes for this thing." Um, excuse me? You were with me when I opened the invitation, which has since been posted on the fridge that you open every day. He continued to remind me of how he was getting clothes on such sort notice as though this would somehow justify why he could take up all of my time helping him find things when I actually need to find something for myself. *eyeroll* Thank god I'm good at ignoring him when he ridiculousness comes out of his mouth. We did find him a sharp shirt, a $170 tie for $30 and cufflinks. What a score with that tie, yeah? And omg, ARE YOU KIDDING ME on that original price???? Who would ever pay that for a tie? Seriously.

I'm going to hit Macy's in the morning for something and if I don't find anything I have my Hawaii Luau dress as backup. Josh doesn't think it's wedding appropriate, but I think I'm too exhausted and poor to agree with him. We'll see what I come across tomorrow. Nothing like the last minute!

ear rit tay shun

Irresponsible people
Bills
Last minute changes
Fair weathered friends
Inconsiderate people
12-hour work days

These things are bothering me to a LARGE degree right now and I just want to be able to brush it off....but dammit if being exhausted doesn't make that even harder!!!

I am just overworked and overtired. Kindergarten Open House today. First day of school next Wednesday. I still have to work full time (overtime) right now, but kids don't arrive til 9/9. I do like my kids a lot. They are all white, or close enough, but that is the only "problem" I can foresee. Only one of them won't talk to me. And only 6 of them haven't met me yet. Out of 28, that's pretty good. I hope a couple of those 6 no-shows end up withdrawing. I gained 2 and lost one today, leaving me with a whopping 28. I know things are still not even set in stone. By the first day, I could have many more changes. It always wows me when people don't prepare for this year. Last year I got new students well into the second week of school. It's such a huge deal that your child is starting school! I mean, isn't it?? For me it would be!

Josh and I are scheduled to go camping this weekend with Nikki and Dan. Sharonne and Vicky were supposed to go too, but they totally flaked. It makes me feel weird how it happened. They both canceled at the same time with the same lame excuse: the drive is too long for such a short stay. It doesn't make sense to me, because neither of them was going to drive--they were getting rides from me and Nikki--and we are scheduled to camp for 3 nights. That isn't a long stay? Were they expecting a week camping trip?? I don't understand that. I don't understand it when friends "team up" either. They aren't a couple. They don't live together. So why the same cancellation excuse and why cancel together? And both of them texted it and said, "Don't be mad at us." Obviously they think I should be mad at them or why would they have said that? I feel very weird towards them now. I know it's "my issue", but I just wish I felt differently. Hard not to "blame" them for my feeling this way.

I know all of this will feel better once I get some good sleep. I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, go in to school briefly, then leave for my camping trip. I plan to have a great weekend. I hope Josh helps make that dream come true!

Room 5

We finally finished assessing and this is my new class line up for this year:

Aaliyah
Alex
Amelia
Augustus
Caroline
Cheyenne
Dylan
Enzo
Gwen
Hailey
Isabel
Jackson
Johann
Josie (Josephine)
Layne
Lincoln
Lucas
Madeline
Mac (McAlister)
Marcus
Milo
Nelson
Saoirse (pronounced Sir-sha)
Seamus (pronounced Shay-mis)
Sophia
Sophie
Syth (pronounced Scythe)
Zak (Zakry)
Zoe

I started out with a Madeline and a Madelyn as well as 2 Josephines and 2 Jacks, but I traded so I could have a different name for each child. I always shared my name with another or 2 or 3. I really hated it. I want each of my kids to feel unique!

I can't believe how many kids I have. Too many. I don't even have enough desks. Our school will have 90 Kindergartners this year. That's nuts. Truly.

I am almost done with my room! Pictures coming soon.....

Progress

I went into school today for the miniscule amount of time between the end of the seminar and the time they closed up the building, and I think I accomplished a lot. There is still LOADS to do, but I actually was able to get it looking like a functional classroom. The desks are in order, at least. Also, my rockstar boyfriend went to Home Depot and got me an 8'x4' piece of showerboard to serve as a whiteboard and delivered it to my room. I had to deal with chalk for the last 3 years and I was finally able to get a "whiteboard" so I don't have to go nuts over the incredible amount of dust that accumulates, the itchy hands, and breaking pieces of chalk as I am writing. I have wanted a dry erase board for years, but have never been lucky enough to land a classroom with one pre-installed. I researched online and it turns out shower board works. The board, 3 clamps to hold it up, and Kaboom cleaner (the recommended cleaner) ran less than $20. An actual white board, measuring 2 feet less in width, retails for $250. The only drawback is that the marker doesn't come off as well. By November, I might have fallen out of love with it because of the "ghosting" issue, but I'm hopeful this advanced cleaner he picked up will help with that effect. I won't be able to get in to my classroom again til Monday, as the school will open and close during the last day of my seminar tomorrow. I'll be there bright and early Monday morning, though, to get jumpstarted before the first Kindergartner arrives to be pre-assessed for the new year! It will be a cute day. A 5-year old meeting you for the first time as their new teacher is pretty darn priceless.

I think I found a bike for myself! I wanted a cruiser with at least 7 speeds and fenders for less than $100. I managed to do all of that, I think, except for the price. found a vintage one for $40, but it's on Whidbey Island so it requires me to pay for a ferry ticket both ways and it's been in storage for 15 years so it will need a $50-$60 tuneup, and it will need to be repainted. The paint is supposed to be in good condition, but I don't want a brown bike. I'm not sure if I'll paint it silver or hot pink, but Josh has agreed to help me. Anyway, all the updates and pick up costs are going to drive me over my $100 goal, but I don't think I can find anything cheaper. $40 is pretty darn good. I haven't found anything less than $150 that meets my criteria. The only thing I need to determine is whether or not the bike is the right size for me. I forgot to ask when I called to claim it, so I am waiting for him to return my voicemail and confirm. Just in case, here's the bike as it is now. In other words, these are the BEFORE pictures:

FREEDOM

zero days left of school!

Weeeeeeeeee! I wanted to get all of my things moved out of my classroom and into my new school today, but Josh had to be at the station for a shift tonight and thus the truck was unavailable for my use. I can't believe how much STUFF I have accumulated. It will take several trips to get it from my room into the truck and then again into my new school. I'll get to wait until next Friday to do all of that. Next week, a workshop awaits me. 4 long days...with my Principal. Not my new Principal; my old one. Lord help me. She is going to a new school next year as well and they just happen to be implementing the same curriculum that my new school implements for Writing. So she and I have to go to this workshop together. It's a cruel coincidence. I hope there are many people in this workshop so I can avoid her as much as possible. To say I loathe her is quite the understatement.

I haven't been online more than moments since I returned from my fabulous birthday getaway weekend on Monday. I made up for that tonight with a 3 hour marathon of blog perusing, facebooking, and email catching up. It was lovely.

I have so much to say about last weekend--it was truly fabulous. I loved every moment of it. I have great friends. And whitewater rafting? Well, I'm a huge fan. I would happily trade in my career for that of a rafting guide in a heartbeat. And before I forget to mention it, a funny coincidence happened on the trip! One of the boats capsized, which could have been scarier than it was. Another group of people were rafting behind us and their boat overturned on a rapid. We rescued a guy from the water as he was quickly carried down the river in the current. My friend Angela was attempting to put him at ease once he was in our raft, asking him his name and where he and his friends were from. He said, "My name's Josh.", which we thought was funny because we already had 2 Angela's in the boat and now we had 2 Josh's. But that wasn't the weird part. When she asked where he was from, he said, "Indiana." I said, "No way! Where?" And he said "Fort Wayne", which is where Josh and I are both from. We both said, "What?! No!" It turned out, he and his friends were visiting out West on a trip. They had all graduated from Carroll HS, which is the High School many of my childhood friends from my old neighborhood went to. He was 10 years our junior, so that's where the commonalities ended, but how's that for a small world moment?! Anyway, more on that trip in a future post. I might even make it a photo essay. We documented some great fun and some even greater beauty from the area.

Tomorrow night, I will be meeting a few friends for drinks and possible dancing to further celebrate that advanced digit in my age and the finish of a LONG, trying year. Who thought teaching Kindergarten could be so drama-filled? I am looking forward to less drama and more rewards in the coming school year.

I attended my new school's 'Kindergarten Social', at which a bunch of incoming Kinders got to visit, eat ice cream, and play on the school's playground. I felt kind of awkward since the place feels just as foreign to me as it does to them. Still, it was nice to meet many of the parents and the new kids that will potentially be in my room next year. What a world of difference. Almost all of the kids are white and many of the parents are able to be 1-income families due to their higher income level. I was admittedly a bit sad to not have the cultural and socioeconomic diversity I've been used to. It will probably be a welcome change in the classroom dynamics, though. I won't miss being a Social Worker/Child Therapist/Teacher I am anxious to teach without so much psychological baggage plaguing my classroom. But I think I've traded that in for overbearing parents and I question what's worse. Some of them were already weepy and their kids haven't even begun school yet! I anticipate having to force them to let go of their babies each morning for several weeks. That'll be loads of fun...

I am wiped. I stayed up all night writing report cards, and all day was spent wrapping things up with my kids. I spent 4 hours after school packing up my room and now and I want to do is veg. The house is a mess, but cleaning will just have to wait. I need a break. Josh's shift falling on this night this week was a gift. I have the couch and remote to myself!

tugboats are slow

Acupuncture made me one sleepy lady today. I got to see a (now pregnant) Julie and it was really nice to see how well she's done with her clinic. Josh and I had lunch on the waterfront and it was so gorgeous and sunny, albeit a bit windy, and then we watched the tugboat races on Elliot Bay. Tugboats are kinda slow. It made me even drowsier.

Now Josh is snoozing on the couch while I think of 5 million things I need to get done for school before I head off to get my brows waxed and then engage in drunken debauchery at Hopscotch with Valarie and Joe.

I'm worried I won't be prepared for the hike I'm going on with the girls in the morning, but I'll just have to do my best not to get too drunk. I hate the effects of being drunk anyway. I have no capacity for quick recovery anymore.

We ate at a great new Thai restaurant on Phinney last night, Tangerine Thai. It was yums and super cute. I'm excited to eat there on hot days because the front of the restaurant has one of the bay door/walls that open onto the sidewalk. Great place for that type of venue.

Okay, enough procrastinatin'. Oh-Jarred slapped me yesterday. Twice. In other words, his "vacation" is over and I hate school again. Boo.

Happy Trails!

30 days of school left! Next week we'll be in the 20's!!

Omigod nutso day today! 2 other schools tried to hire me today. Since offers were supposed to go out on Tuesday, that means I wasn't the first choice for either of these schools. One school wouldn't take no for an answer though. The principal called me herself and tried to convince me to take back my acceptance at Green Lake! Totally uncomfortable. Her whole demeanor put me off and that in itself was enough for me to be glad they hadn't offered their job to me first. She said, "Well let's be honest. Was Green Lake your first choice? Let's get you out of that job so you can work for us!" I thought, oh. my. god. how disgustingly conceited!! I almost said, "Well, no, they weren't my first choice, but you guys were my last." Which is true. They are a school that a lot of teachers would fight to get into, but they were my last choice because they don't even know what grade they are hiring for yet. I would never accept a job at a school without knowing what I was going to teach. It could easily be 4th grade and that would never be okay with me. Also, a really crazy lady I taught summer school with works there and I just could not stand a whole year working with her. I've had enough crazy for a lifetime, thank you. I said, "No, thank you, but I made the right choice" in as pleasant a way possible, and she finally let up.

In other news, my new school is really showing me love. The principal and I talked today and she was so friendly and complimentary. She said I could stop by anytime and she invited me to attend the auction event they have a week from Saturday, Monte Carlo Night. Josh has agreed to go, too, which will help me feel less nervous. She also said she hopes I can be at the PTA meeting in a couple of weeks so she can introduce me. I found out, too, that there is a Kindergarten Ice Cream Social next month I should be at so I can meet new families and next year's Kinders. This all makes me smile. In fact, all the goodness they've been pushing my way is enough to make me cry. I can't remember feeling this wanted as a teacher before. Sad but true.

My favorite, favorite thing about today is that I recommended 9 of my kids for the honors program next year and they were tested today and all of them made it! Well, all but one, who only missed it by 3 points and he's ELL so I think I have a good case to get him an exception. He tests higher than all of my other kids in everything so I think he must have just gotten stuck on some vocab stuff. Anyway, the reason I'm so excited is because I feel really proud of them. They have grown SO MUCH this year. I may have had something to do with that! That's over 1/3 of my class that will possibly excel beyond what they might have simply because they'll be in an honors program. The other K class has 3 kids who are going into honors. Out of last year's Kindergartners (taught by 2 other teachers--not me or Diane), only one went on to 1st grade honors. I'd like to think that means Diane and I are doing something right! Of course, lord only knows what kind of education they'll get next year. Since Andy is leaving too, we don't know who the Spectrum (honors) teacher will be, but I sincerely hope my kids will have someone who can continue to teach them to soar. I love them so, so much.

Jarred is still out sick. I can't tell you what that has done for my kids and for me. I shouldn't wish illness on anyone. And I don't. But I do wish for him to be gone for longer. Maybe on a vacation somewhere? That would be a better thing to wish for, so that's what I'll do. I'll wish for Jarred to be vacationing until Summer Break. Happy Trails, Jarred!

and everything else

31 days left of school!

Today was a FABULOUS day. Jarred was out sick. I mean it, today was fanTAStic! I just loved being with my kids and laughing with them. I guess this is what it might feel like to teach at Green Lake next year? But better because I will have a staff that's functional. I hope.

The principal from Green Lake called me today to tell me how pleased she was that I accepted the offer. She left me a vm, so I need to call her back. But she said she wanted to talk to me about my room location (already? exciting!) and a few events they have coming up that she hopes I'll attend. Wow. That kind of raised my anxiety level since I also have my current job going on with loads of responsibilities attached. I was kind of surprised to hear that, too, since I'm used to my principal being so uninvolved and uninviting.

Today, I almost called the Union about her. I really still should, but I don't want to cause drama. We had to fill out anonymous questionnaires that the Union provides to each school, rating our principal in various areas. Well, she stood over us while we filled them out!!!! I was truly horrified. I knew for a fact she was not even supposed to be in the room with us while we answered them. I felt so intimidated that I actually just gave up on the questionnaire 2/3 of the way through, turned it in and told Shannon (another teacher/our school's Union rep), "I can't finish this because I don't feel comfortable doing this in front of her." She mouthed, "I'm so sorry! I didn't know this would happen." She should have told the principal to leave, but I understand why she didn't. We are all afraid of her. Our jobs are so fragile. That woman could ruin our careers. When everyone had finished and put their questionnaires in the envelope, the principal walked with Shannon to the office while Shannon put them on the secretary's desk. The envelope will sit there for the next week, unsealed, while the questionnaires are collected from those who missed the staff meeting today. I know in my heart the principal will look at them, even though she is not supposed to. I also know that she will determine whose each one is. Even though they are anonymous, we had to state how long we had worked in the building. It will be easy to figure out who they belong to by process of elimination. After the meeting, Shannon came into my room and gave me a blank questionnaire asking me to fill it out and stick it in the envelope when I was done. I did it, but I feel like I should have kept my answers to myself. I worry that I only created more misery for myself. Thank god I'm out of there. Horrible, horrible place.

I got my first (and likely only) teacher appreciation gift today! I had forgotten it was Teacher Appreciation Week. In wealthier schools, the parents make a big deal out of it. But we don't have a PTA, so there you go. My little Verde brought me 3 big yummy cookies from the Macrina Bakery and a handmade card that said, "Thank you for teaching me about Science. Love, Verde (and everything else, too!)" Haha. Too cute. I love her to pieces.

On the Horizon

32 days left of school.

That number sounds HUGE. I mean, really, really HUGE.

I got a job offer from the interviews I had: Green Lake Elementary, which is just across the lake from me, offered me the Kindergarten position. They weren't my 1st choice, but I know I should feel happy that someone offered. The jobs were not that plentiful and the applicants were surely just the opposite. Andy, the first grade teacher across the hall who hates my school as much as I do got 2 job offers today. He accepted his top choice. One of those offers was from a school at which I also applied. I know what Todd would say, that it's because it's so much easier for a man to get hired in elementary school because there are so few of them. Maybe so, but I still wish I'd had an offer from my top choice.

The principal evaluated me today. She has to do 2 formal observations each year of each teacher. Jarred screamed, "I hate you! Shut up, Ms. B! All of you just shut up!" at the top of his lungs for much of the lesson. He also took erasers and pelted kids in the head. The principal did nothing. I realize she was doing an observation, but she's also the principal and should enforce her presence. On second thought, I guess that is how she enforces her presence. She does the same thing when I send him to her office: nothing. Often times, he gets a reward. Like on Friday, when he was removed from my room after having an episode, put in Ms. Shorter's 1st grade class and ate popcorn and colored all day.

I guess talking about that makes the job offer taste just a little bit sweeter. I'm off to drink margaritas with Katrina and Nikki at Green Lake. Happy Cinco de Mayo!

tee gee eye eff

I got another interview!!

Another one of my kids has been referred to CPS. That's only 3 in one school year (thus far), so I guess that isn't too bad. I know exactly why this one was referred and other teachers have been asking me about her for months. She's white, advantaged, from educated parents, but I don't believe her mother is the one who should be caring for her because she seems incapable of caring for herself. She's a kooky lady and she has trouble holding down a job, even though she's a software developer. She and her child always look malnourished and like they haven't slept enough. The area around Tallulah's eyes is always red and she frequently arrives in a dirty uniform. The mom has let Tallulah stay home from school 30 days this year so far. 30 days! And she has been late 42 days this year. Sometimes 5 minutes late, but usually an hour or 2. Her mother has told me Tallulah wants to stay home, so she lets her. I responded with, "Well, if someone gave me the option to stay home rather than go to work, I'd choose that too." Mom said, "Oh, I see your point." But she hasn't backed that up with actions.

I realize it's Kindergarten and to the general public that might be relative to daycare. But I promise you it isn't. Kindergarten expectations have increased to what 1st grade expectations used to be. My kids learn to read, to write sentences and poetry, to orally compose fluid stories with beginnings, middles and ends. They learn to skip count by 2's, 5's and 10's and they learn key concepts like symmetry and how to represent data using graphs and charts. Most importantly, I believe, they learn about group learning dynamics, independent study skills, and increase their social/emotional development through practicing consideration and respect and self-management techniques. We don't have nap time or finger painting. We do water colors and tissue collage and pottery (when I can afford the materials). Maybe Kindergarten should be what it once was. Sometimes I wonder if my kids would benefit more from a full day of playtime, snacktime, and naps in between. But the world is more demanding now and they grow up a lot faster. And when I approach them with these "big kid" concepts, they really seem ready for it. They dive in and they are so excited when they "get it".

I think I forget how much I love teaching K because I'm dealing with a psychopath in my class. Today, he was removed by the principal because he refused to come back to the classroom after recess. The decision to do that is not one I agree with, (Why don't we just let him make all the rules?) but... I was actually able to enjoy my class for the remainder of the day. I could connect with my kids without worrying about him hurting them or cursing at them. I got to give attention to the kids who deserve it most but don't get it because they self-manage so well. It was the way it should be every day.

rooted

With planning a visit to see Gabe, Josh having to get his business taxes done by 4/15, me needing to apply to jobs this week and interview soon after, I talked Josh into asking Janice if we could rescind our notice to move out. He agreed! Better yet, so did she!!!!! Yay! We can stay, we can stay, we can stay.

Turns out, she's trying to get someone else to move into the MIL apartment under the house, so we wouldn't even have to deal with her anymore if she ends up being successful at getting a new tentant! That would mean we could even end up liking living here 100%, since that means she'd be moving out. Yippee!!!! I would love to live here until we move into a place of our own. Fingers crossed.

Had the best workout today. Just kicked some major bootay.

Also. Think I grabbed Jarred's arm too hard when he tried to ruin the paints today, after screaming "I hate you! You are disgusting!" and then emitting ear-piercing shrill screams at the top of his lungs. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it to the end of the year without smacking him. I don't believe in hitting kids, even if they are my own flesh and blood, but when there is a child so hateful and mean in your "care" 5 days a week, 7 hours a day, you can only take so much abuse before you just want to hurt him back. GAH! Horrible situation. Tomorrow, I start therapy. Long overdue.

Okay, procrastinating on writing my cover letters. Back to the grind....

Spring Art

When it rains in Seattle (because it isn't every day like we might have you think it is!), my kids don't get to play outside. Even though I fully believe rain can't hurt them and shouldn't prevent their play time, the school's reluctance is based on how wet they get and will have to remain for the rest of the day if we give in. Rainy day recess means a lot of pent up energy and a shorter lunch break for teachers. Needless to say, we are not fans of rainy day recess at my school. :(

This morning, it rained, but closer to lunchtime, the sun was making its way out from behind the clouds. I heard one of my little ones making up a song as I passed by her desk during morning work time. I can't remember it entirely, but this part sticks in my brain and I thought it was kind of a catchy tune:

Sunshine, sunshine,
won't you stay
You're the reason
I get to play

Too cute! I decided we are going to write a class song tomorrow about the sun. Then we are going to make butterfly art to solidify their understanding of symmetry.

I cut out 25 identical butterfly shapes from white construction paper so each will have a butterfly of their own. Then I will give them 3 dabs of paint to share with their table partners. They can use the paint with cotton balls to paint one winged side of the butterfly, then we will fold the butterfly in half and open them again so the same image they painted on one side will appear on the other. To complete the project, I will give them each a pipe cleaner to cut in half, then they will poke each half into the top of the head of the butterfly to serve as the butterfly's attenae.

I'll read Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar to them again in the morning to refresh their memory of key words like metamorphosis and cocoon. Then we'll have a great display for the wall in the hall outside of our room as well.

Yay for a creative day!

I'm off to take Lulu out for a quick play time before I jet off to Pilates.

Over it

My day at work was disgusting. I got called in to a meeting as soon as I arrived with the parent of one of my students, a CPS worker, our counselor and the Family Support Worker. No heads up, no email in regards.  Just a note in my box when I arrived to go to the FSW's office.  The CPS worker wouldn't make eye contact with me.  And I was pissed.  You know that meeting wasn't just created that morning.  It was created days/weeks ahead and I was just never notified.  Because, you see, even though I spend more time with this student than even the mother, I don't count.  That's exactly how I felt.  The CPS worker proceeded to tell me I wasn't doing what I should do with the student.  She told me I needed to do this and that.  I had to bite my tongue until it bled to stop myself from telling her off.  I wanted to say, "Oh I didn't realize you taught Kindergarten.  Please, come into my room.  Teach today.  Show me how it's done.  Obviously I need to learn."  Agh I could just scream.

Then, an hour later Jarred's therapist came to do an observation.  He started acting like a terror per usual and I had to keep it together, fearing she would report my handling of the situation.  On top of that, my mentor teacher was in there observing my classroom management. I couldn't do it. The whole class fell apart.  I wanted to say, "I give up.  Please.  Handle the class for me.  I'm done."  I didn't, though.  I kept going.  Horribly.  The day progressed and Jarred ended the day by punching, screaming, kicking, and telling me through his angry tears, "I just want to go home.  I don't want to be here tomorrow for the party.  I just want to go home."  Poor thing.  He hates school and I don't blame him.  I hate school because of him.  I need to look into private schools.  This week.

I went out to dinner with Josh tonight.  Thankfully. It was really nice.  The last few days I've been falling for him more; believing more in his ability to get better with his anger issues.  Then we went to Ken's to get him some milk and a dessert and he said, "What do you want for dessert?"  I said, "I think I'll just be happy to get a drink at Oliver's Twist!"  I assumed we were going to go there after the store since I'd suggested it before. He threw his dessert into the case, slammed down the milk, and stormed out of Ken's saying, "Fine, let's get out of here then."  Lovely. I went into the wine section to separate myself from his drama.  After pretending to look at a few wines, calming my anxiety by admiring different labels, I decided I would go to O.T. by myself. I don't want his anger to continue to control me. I am so over it.  Sometimes I think, with the state of my days at work and my nights with him, it's a wonder I am still standing.  I am waiting to feel the pain of ulcers and the heart pain from high blood pressure instead of just looking like crap on the outside like I do now.  After a while, convinced he had headed home with Lulu, I bought a copy of Cosmo and went to O.T.  The indie and ambient music set a wonderful background for my cocktails and reading.  Looking around at the happy couples and gathered friends felt comfortable to me and made me nostalgic. I used to be so social.  That died when I began my friendship with Todd and wanted to stop drinking as much.  I miss it, though. --Not the drinking.  I miss the energy of people and the atmosphere. I miss being interesting to people.  I miss being a welcome addition to any social event. I want to rekindle that flame within me.  I want to make myself happy to be me again: inside and out.  I feel like Josh's lifestyle is lethargic, often negative, and regularly depressed.  Trying to live with that, within that, makes me feel like someone I loathe being.  I need to regain my confidence and beauty and love for life.  I am horrified what will become of me if I don't.  First goal: getting back in shape.

Wish me luck.

breakdown

I guess we knew it was going to happen.  I was going to break.  Completely and utterly break. down. And I did.

The screaming, the cussing, the punching, the kicking.  It just got to be too much. My top sociopath in my class: age 6: broke me down to tears today.  I just can't protect 24 kids from him every single day. I can't do it. If that makes me a bad teacher, then so be it.  I will accept that criticism.  I'm ready.

He was suspended for two days, finally, so we can actually have some peace in the classroom.  For two days.  Tomorrow morning, I decided, I'm going to hug every single one of my kids at morning meeting and tell them that I love them.  Because they might not believe it anymore.  My classroom has become an unsafe hellhole. It is this experience that confirms to me that I will have to think long and hard about ever sending any possible future offspring to public school.  Remember that public school is for everyone.  It must serve everyone. And, what you might not know is, it has no resources to do so.  This child has a right to an education. Everyone does. But at the expense of 24 others? With the design of our Public School System, yes.  He will be in an EBD (emotional behavior disordered) class next year, I can almost bet my life on it. But the evaluation takes a long time and that's why I and my 24 other students will have to endure this abuse for 5 more months.  I shudder to think what it will be like--what I will be like--5 months from now.  But I can't do that.  I can't think about then.  I have to take each day as it comes.  Attack each day's challenges as I meet them. And remain optimistic.

Now, I must walk some of this stress and anxiety off with my Lulu and then go get a drink with my Josh. 

Whining of the now

My job has really been taking its toll on me. I am always exhausted, I am emotionally drained, I meet each day with a level of anxiety and apprehension and I am finding comfort in things like sugar and wine. Needless to say, I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight.  All of this contributes to low self-esteem and an increase in depression.  It's crap. I hope with all my might I can get a job at a different school, preferably out-of-district, come next fall.  It's the only way I'll be able to enjoy life again.

Josh's business is in a lull.  A major lull. I feel like I have to be conservative in every spending choice I make.  As a result, I feel extremely limited in what activities I can do.  We spend a lot of time at home. On the couch. In front of the tv.  Me drinking wine. Is it any wonder I'm fat and I feel so depressed?

One day, things will be different.  I don't have the power to change it right now because I need a job to survive financially and I have a commitment to 25 5 and 6 year olds to uphold. I am working on making things different for next year, though. Little by little, it will change.