breakdown

I guess we knew it was going to happen.  I was going to break.  Completely and utterly break. down. And I did.

The screaming, the cussing, the punching, the kicking.  It just got to be too much. My top sociopath in my class: age 6: broke me down to tears today.  I just can't protect 24 kids from him every single day. I can't do it. If that makes me a bad teacher, then so be it.  I will accept that criticism.  I'm ready.

He was suspended for two days, finally, so we can actually have some peace in the classroom.  For two days.  Tomorrow morning, I decided, I'm going to hug every single one of my kids at morning meeting and tell them that I love them.  Because they might not believe it anymore.  My classroom has become an unsafe hellhole. It is this experience that confirms to me that I will have to think long and hard about ever sending any possible future offspring to public school.  Remember that public school is for everyone.  It must serve everyone. And, what you might not know is, it has no resources to do so.  This child has a right to an education. Everyone does. But at the expense of 24 others? With the design of our Public School System, yes.  He will be in an EBD (emotional behavior disordered) class next year, I can almost bet my life on it. But the evaluation takes a long time and that's why I and my 24 other students will have to endure this abuse for 5 more months.  I shudder to think what it will be like--what I will be like--5 months from now.  But I can't do that.  I can't think about then.  I have to take each day as it comes.  Attack each day's challenges as I meet them. And remain optimistic.

Now, I must walk some of this stress and anxiety off with my Lulu and then go get a drink with my Josh.