Sour Recipe

Concentrating too much today on things I want and don't have and are not realistic to strive for.

Bi-Polar is a state of mind

I keep arriving late to work and they keep NOT firing me. Hrm.
I can hardly wait for this job to be OVER.

Know what else I can hardly wait for? Hawaii! New York! My pedi in preparation! (No, seriously, it's my orientation ritual.) Josh and I planned out all the things we want to do when we're in Maui. Not a schedule, per se, but a list of things we can do if lying on the beach and snorkeling and boogie boarding are not enough to fulfill 6 days. This includes four wheeling in a jeep on the island of Lanai and swimming in natural pools at the base of waterfalls. *love*

I just got my orientation emails for the workshop I'll be attending in NYC. It makes it more REAL that I'm leaving soon. I can't wait to see my Patrick, too. He's my number one gay husband and we are in L-U-V. I can't believe I haven't been back to the city since 2004. It used to be my home and sometimes I miss it so much, I would even tolerate the sticky dirty heat and the suffocating smell of the subway in the dead of summer. Oh, wait, that's what I'll be doing in 3 weeks. EW. But YAY. But EW.

Playdate with Carolyn after school today!!!!! Wheeeeee!

Bad Momma

I gave Lulu a black eye! I feel so horrible about it. We had a wonderful time swimming together at the park and then as we were walking back on the trail, I was holding my stainless steel water bottle by the loop in the cap down at my side. The bottle was swinging
a bit with each step and she trotted around the back of me just as the bottle swung back. I heard it hit so loudly, I thought I'd hit a metal pole. When I realized it was her skull, I quickly got down on my knees and tried to soothe her, though she wasn't yelping or making any noise to indicate she was hurt. We moved on then and I forgot about it. A few hours later, when we came home, she was rubbing her face with her paw and barely opening her left eye. I checked the eyeball and there doesn't seem to be any damage to it. There is no blood around her eye, but she is barely opening it. I am going to take her to the vet in the morning, just in case, but I'm super sad that I've caused her pain. My poor baby girl.

OMG, Like

Why does it irk me so much when people talk "Valley Girl"? Uch. It's so annoying. Two people I work with canNOT speak normally. And they are teachers. Lovely. It makes me want to speak overly proper just to counterbalance the ridiculousness of their vocal output.

Also, to share more details about Josh and ProjectBaby2010: He is totally game to give me a baby. He's apathetic--not opposed. He could care less one way or the other. I just don't know if I want a baby with someone who is so apathetic about it. I mean, I always pictured a baby with someone would come out of my desire to have a family with that person. If Josh doesn't want to get married, I don't know that I fully trust that family makeup. I have a lot to figure out....

Thanks for the emails, friends. You can leave me comments on my blog, though, you know. Ya lurkers. ;)

Lazy

Lazy is the only real excuse I have for why I've been absent from the Internet. I have good intentions. I should be able to keep up since I'm on "vacation" from work. Oh, right, except I'm not. Remind me again why I'm teaching summer school??? Oh yeah. September paycheck will be FAT. *sigh* That is SO far off, I just don't feel motivated by that.

In other news, July totally became my workout month. I have been doing Pilates 2-3x a week and going to boot camp 2x a week. It's been really good for me, though I have to admit it's been hard not to get discouraged. I haven't seen any change in my appearance. I know it's only been 3 weeks, but that feels like an eternity when you are sacrificing your free time up to 5x a week to sweat and groan and when you ache so bad the next day you can barely walk up and down the stairs.

On Monday, I had a doctor's appointment with the same doctor that told me I was pregnant a year ago, then told me I would have to get chemo to abort it because the fetus was outside my uterus. I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with her last November, but the trauma of ER visits, sonograms that showed NOTHING, bleeding for 6 weeks, the pain.....let's just say I was not interested in being reminded so soon after the experience. Well, I'd love to say "What a difference a year makes", but I can't. This time, she told me I need to decide NOW if I am ever going to have a baby. The reason being, I am on the road to edometrial cancer due to my PCOS. She said, if I want to have a baby, I have to do it now so she can force ovulation and then start the process of cancer prevention (which would also prevent me from getting pregnant). If I don't want a baby, she will start the cancer prevention now.

Now this would all be cut and dry except that I am with someone who doesn't want to get married, is apathetic about having babies and who frustrates me from a financial "get your life together" perspective. I love him. I know this with all my heart. He loves me. I know this with all my heart. It doesn't feel like enough right now for me to say, "Let's get pregnant!". And yet, it might be my only opportunity. Do I risk having a baby with someone I don't know about the long term with, just so I can have a baby? Or do I say, "Well, I wasn't in a place to have a baby when I needed to decide, so I just never had a baby." Therapy on Thursday will help me decide, I guess.

On the bright side, Josh and I head to Maui for 5 days on the 6th of August and then I leave for NYC 2 days later for 10 days. If July was workout month, August is travel month. I'm anxious to move on to the next thing.

I've never really been "in" to makeup. You know: eye shadows, lipsticks, etc. Think I should start? It suddenly sounds fun.

But then I think of how I hate the feeling of lipstick when I'm trying to talk and eye gunk when I'm trying to blink and I get sad. I guess I won't be having "fun" after all.

If you wear makeup, tell me what you love and what you hate.

Thus far...

Not a fan of summer school. Not the school, the staff, the curriculum or the number of kids on my roster.

Digging Pilates.

Hating my hair.

Remaining optimistic.