Over it

My day at work was disgusting. I got called in to a meeting as soon as I arrived with the parent of one of my students, a CPS worker, our counselor and the Family Support Worker. No heads up, no email in regards.  Just a note in my box when I arrived to go to the FSW's office.  The CPS worker wouldn't make eye contact with me.  And I was pissed.  You know that meeting wasn't just created that morning.  It was created days/weeks ahead and I was just never notified.  Because, you see, even though I spend more time with this student than even the mother, I don't count.  That's exactly how I felt.  The CPS worker proceeded to tell me I wasn't doing what I should do with the student.  She told me I needed to do this and that.  I had to bite my tongue until it bled to stop myself from telling her off.  I wanted to say, "Oh I didn't realize you taught Kindergarten.  Please, come into my room.  Teach today.  Show me how it's done.  Obviously I need to learn."  Agh I could just scream.

Then, an hour later Jarred's therapist came to do an observation.  He started acting like a terror per usual and I had to keep it together, fearing she would report my handling of the situation.  On top of that, my mentor teacher was in there observing my classroom management. I couldn't do it. The whole class fell apart.  I wanted to say, "I give up.  Please.  Handle the class for me.  I'm done."  I didn't, though.  I kept going.  Horribly.  The day progressed and Jarred ended the day by punching, screaming, kicking, and telling me through his angry tears, "I just want to go home.  I don't want to be here tomorrow for the party.  I just want to go home."  Poor thing.  He hates school and I don't blame him.  I hate school because of him.  I need to look into private schools.  This week.

I went out to dinner with Josh tonight.  Thankfully. It was really nice.  The last few days I've been falling for him more; believing more in his ability to get better with his anger issues.  Then we went to Ken's to get him some milk and a dessert and he said, "What do you want for dessert?"  I said, "I think I'll just be happy to get a drink at Oliver's Twist!"  I assumed we were going to go there after the store since I'd suggested it before. He threw his dessert into the case, slammed down the milk, and stormed out of Ken's saying, "Fine, let's get out of here then."  Lovely. I went into the wine section to separate myself from his drama.  After pretending to look at a few wines, calming my anxiety by admiring different labels, I decided I would go to O.T. by myself. I don't want his anger to continue to control me. I am so over it.  Sometimes I think, with the state of my days at work and my nights with him, it's a wonder I am still standing.  I am waiting to feel the pain of ulcers and the heart pain from high blood pressure instead of just looking like crap on the outside like I do now.  After a while, convinced he had headed home with Lulu, I bought a copy of Cosmo and went to O.T.  The indie and ambient music set a wonderful background for my cocktails and reading.  Looking around at the happy couples and gathered friends felt comfortable to me and made me nostalgic. I used to be so social.  That died when I began my friendship with Todd and wanted to stop drinking as much.  I miss it, though. --Not the drinking.  I miss the energy of people and the atmosphere. I miss being interesting to people.  I miss being a welcome addition to any social event. I want to rekindle that flame within me.  I want to make myself happy to be me again: inside and out.  I feel like Josh's lifestyle is lethargic, often negative, and regularly depressed.  Trying to live with that, within that, makes me feel like someone I loathe being.  I need to regain my confidence and beauty and love for life.  I am horrified what will become of me if I don't.  First goal: getting back in shape.

Wish me luck.