dissipate

I just visited a bunch of blogs I've been too swamped to visit for a while...as well as a few new ones. I don't know what my deal is, but I keep tearing up! First, I read about Lily's kitty Lola that passed after being hit by a car and her organs shutting down. I remember when she first got Lola, years ago. Reading her description of her love for Lola and the details of saying goodbye and then watching a video she made of Lola and her toddler son, Cash, well....needless to say, I was pretty emotional. Then I looked at some pictures of pregnant Crissy and read the details about her excitement that she is having a boy. I teared up again. And then just now, I watched a video montage of scenes from a wedding where there was so much love and so much happiness, I cried. I cried this time because I was jealous.

As I watched it, I thought it was beautiful to see that much love. I always thought I wanted that with Josh. I always hoped that would be us. Now, I'm not sure if that can be reality or if it's destined to remain a fantasy. Josh and I have definitely had our share of issues. He has a lot of challenges he faces just within himself. This morning, we had a conversation that led me to feel that the hope of a future that meets my desires and expectations is an impossible one. He's set himself up for so much frustration and stress, both personally and professionally. I can't support or understand why he's made and continues to make the choices he does. His problems, and my problems right now, are financial, sexual, emotional, and all of them are overwhelming. It's obvious that my work woes are enough of a stresser on me. Home should be my haven and it isn't.

My greatest fear right now is that, despite what I know and what my gut tells me, I have a problem letting go.