Yup. Still busy.

I went to a 3 day workshop last weekend that was amazing and beautiful and really valuable. I got so many great ideas to expose my kids to in the outdoors.

My students and I made worm bins yesterday and a local boy scout troop built the raised beds that we'll be planting in next month.

I'm kind of getting dizzy with posting and cross posting to Teach Dirty and Facebook and my expedition blog.

Speaking of which, I leave for my expedition in less than 2 weeks. I am starting to get excited. I have to send out press releases as soon as possible. I've really been slacking in that department. Today, I spent $360 at REI on some new gear. I'm kind of regretting spending that amount, but I also feel it's stuff I need for the trip and not just frivolous things.

Oh, and, I'm moving. Without Josh. We were looking for places this month and one day he says, "I think we should live apart" completely out of nowhere. I was taken aback of course, and then he said, "I think it's the only way I'm going to get my shit together." Now, we do agree he needs to get that together, but I don't understand why that means we have to part ways. Until he says, "I don't want things to change between us, though." Um, what?? So, long story short because it's late and I'm tired, he's living on a sailboat for the next 5 months and I'm not sure where I'll land. I couldn't find a place in the limited time I had before I told the landlord I'd be out, so I'm staying with my friend for 10 days before I leave for my trip, then staying with him again upon my return while I scour for and locate a home. Josh and I are putting our things into storage. Me because I need a place for it all while I'm at my friend's and gone; him because there is no room for anything but him and clothes on the boat. And in terms of "us", we're not breaking up, but I have to be honest and say that I don't understand this. It's moving backwards in a relationship. I feel that I am ready for and deserving of all or nothing....not this in-between dating stuff. We just surpassed 3 years together. We are in our mid-30's. It may just be the beginning of the end and I have been crying a LOT over it. I keep telling myself it will all work out in the end and this will all be for the best, but man is it hard. Right now my schedule is so full and consuming and I feel unprepared to deal with this. Just packing right now is breaking my spirit and heart.

I will get through this though and I'll be okay. I just need to focus on the present and stop freaking out about the future or lamenting the past. I can do it. I can.

Optimistic Drunk

Even though I've had too much wine as a result of Angela's dinner party and it's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning on a school night, I've come to the realization that these things need to be accepted, starting tomorrow when I am sober:

I will need to find a new place of my own by the end of the month

I will need to start online dating again

I will not be having babies anytime soon, despite my old age of 34 1/2 (almost)

I will not be settling down with a life partner anytime soon

I will need to say goodbye to someone I've loved for some time

I will be working on buying my own home alone

I will need to start taking care of myself and avoiding becoming a fat, slovenly hermit

Please, internet friends, help me achieve these goals. Good night.

P.S. Laura and Ted just bought a house and tonight I found out they are 3 months pregnant. YAY!

P.P.S. I found out Sharonne had to be forced to come to brunch on Saturday because she didn't want to see me. I am not sad about this. I am annoyed and I feel less enamored with her than ever before.

P.P.P.S. I want to go to Cancun in February.

Good night now for real.

Men are from Mars

Uch. I'm so irritated. It's 11 pm and Josh just got home from hanging out with a friend. Now, I am totally in support of friendships, being independent, and having fun. I'm not in support of being inconsiderate, though. I called Josh at 4:15 practically in tears because my stress level was so high with all this crap that happened at work. He was preoccupied with his own work, but listened to me vent and said nice things. I said I was maybe going to skip the gym, then we hung up. I ended up going to the gym anyway and at 7, when I left, I called him. We were supposed to go to a show tonight at 7:30 but I knew neither of us were impassioned about going so I decided against it when I realized the time. I thought it was weird he hadn't tried to call me though. When he picked up, it was loud on the other end. He told me he was having a drink with Alan at Prost. Then he said, "Oh are we going to a show tonight?" I told him it didn't seem like it (due to the time) and he said he would be home soon for dinner. I got home and started dinner and showered and all of that. No Josh. I ate dinner, watched tv, did dishes and laundry and then it was 9. No Josh. He called at 9 to say he wouldn't be home for dinner and would be eating out (You think?!?!?). I told him I was irritated. He said, "I'm sorry, babe. Do you want me to come home right now?" I told him that he should just eat and come home because I wasn't about to tell him in front of his friend that he needed to leave. That really wasn't the point anyway. So he said he'd be home within the hour. That was 2 hours ago. I put a note on the bedroom door that said, "Please don't wake me. Thanks for sleeping on the couch." Obviously, I did it to be a bitch. But I want him to know how irritated I am! I heard him come into the hall, read the note and kind of half-laugh, half-groan. Part of me wants to confront him, but the other part knows it would be a horrible idea. I don't need to fight with him at 11 pm and regret it. Plus I think I should sleep on it and address it when I'm rested and calm.

One of the things that is bothering me is who Josh was hanging out with. I like Alan, but I worry that he's a bad influence on Josh. He's not into drugs or crime. Alan is a single guy with no priorities. He's not a loser; he's a hippie. Not in the sense that he's dirty but in the sense that he's probably 39 or 40 and just extremely free. In the 2 years I've known him, he's never had a relationship or dated anyone, he's never had a long-term place of residence, he kind of works when he wants to and often doesn't without being stressed about money, and he has no real commitments of any kind. Sounds okay, I guess, but I also think it sounds kind of lonely. And being 40 without roots in anyone, anything or any place is....risky.

Alan is the person Josh hangs out with more than anyone else here. He has a good time with him and that's the part I truly support. I guess I just wonder if Josh loses a sense of commitment and priority when he's around him. That's not the guy I wanted to be with. That's not the guy I want to be with.

And all in all, this whole post, the way I feel throughout it, makes me feel guilty. Like I'm possessive or controlling or needy. I don't feel that way inside, but admitting these other feelings makes me feel badly. Are they valid feelings?

like sands in the hourglass

To follow up on all of the drama I posted re: Josh and my relationship, in short, we are staying together. We are moving to a new place at the end of this month, together, and all in all ... I hope I don't regret it. I love him. I want it to work. But I have difficulty trusting that he's, as my friend Buster would say, "in it to win it". In terms of moving, I am really bummed about it. I know our landlord is annoying, but we live in a nice house in an absolutely perfect location. Josh has been pushing to move for a year now. I finally gave in because I can't afford this place by myself so if he's unhappy here the only option is that we both go elsewhere. Browsing Craigslist is such a chore and there are few places that I like that also would welcome Lulu. Naturally, there is nothing available in our neighborhood that we can afford. We pay a really good price for what we get. Secretly, I want to tell our landlord we were kidding and we're not moving. But I know it's for the best. If Josh is uncomfortable with her, I owe it to him to try something new.

We heard that Gabe is out of the coma, has had two surgeries, and had 7 plates and 30 screws inserted into his head and face. He also had to have cheek implants since his were shattered to oblivion, and he had a tracheotomy done in order to breathe because his face is so swollen. The imagery I get when I think of that makes me feel horrible. My poor Gabey. We are planning for Josh to go down there in a week. I don't believe I can go because it's just too painful for me to see him. I would cry the whole time and Gabe doesn't need that. I would like to go down there just to see Grandma and be a support for Josh when he comes home from visiting Gabe in the hospital at night, but I don't think we can afford to get two tickets. --Especially when we're going to need to pay First Last and Deposit at a new place in the next couple of weeks.

I am trying to coordinate the guys at the station in FW to put a video together for Gabe so Josh can take it down there with him. I just need to see about getting the video camera--either from Mom and Dad if theirs is able to transfer to DVD--or see if one of the guys has one. I'd also like K to be able to borrow it so she can tape the people at his old work sending him well wishes. I think it would be incredibly therapeutic for his emotional state--and also maybe help to convince him he should move back to FW to be with his girls and be safe with the people who love him.

Tomorrow, we're having Easter dinner at Josh's cousin's house. I have only met Matt briefly twice, but I think he's a really nice guy. Josh is not a fan of his know-it-all wife, but I think it's important we accepted the invitation since Josh will also get to see his Aunt and thus reconnect with some family that he has in the area.

I am so lazy today. We really need to go look at places to live, but Josh is working so we'll have to wait til later. For now, I've given myself permission to laze around. If I was more disciplined, I would go mail my cousin's baby gift (especially since she already had him a week ago--oops!), go work out at the gym, take Lulu out to play, and/or attack the laundry that is presently attacking the bedroom floor. But the couch is really comfy. And did I mention I feel lazy? I do.

a change of heart

It's officially Spring Break! Good news.

And for the bad: Josh and I had the talk. The talk about US. Us as in him and me, not the country. He wants to live apart. I know I've been talking about it a lot- if not here, in my head. But when he suggested it, it only brought me to tears. It feels like such a rejection. It may truly be for the best, but that doesn't make it feel any less like a loss. I should be glad that it is with the idea that we won't be breaking up, but rather just stepping back and allowing us (him, mainly) to find our individual selves. He wants to have more of the mystery back, allowing us to miss each other more, which I translate to allowing us to appreciate each other more. He doesn't want to move back to FW or quit his work. These are good things. But he admitted he's not sure if he wants forever with me and that was hard to hear. I know I feel the same way, but, again, it's always harder to hear that someone else feels that way too. I am going to remain positive about this because I want to appreciate him more and gain his appreciation of me. That might be pathetic to say. I don't know. What I do know is that I can't let go and feel okay with that right now. If this gives US a chance, I'm willing to go into it with a good attitude.

We'll have to give notice to move out in a week or so. My parents arrive tomorrow, so I could say that this couldn't be more piss poor timing, but actually I think it will be good to keep them in the loop. I don't want to pretend that we're what we aren't. I don't want them to be under the illusion that we're happy homemakers when really we're just two ignorant people trying to figure out incredibly daunting things like love and what we really want for ourselves and our futures. It's good to figure this out now and I believe we're brave to do it rather than to resign ourselves to accepting what doesn't feel totally right even though that would be the easier route to take. I want to believe our choices are meant to be rather than random attempts at conforming to what we feel we're supposed to do based on what's the norm. It would be so easy to just get married and start a family like all of our friends have done because we're the right age or because we have "made it this far". I don't want to be with someone just because I love them and it's comfortable. I want to be with them because it would be impossible to live without them. So, I guess prefacing this with calling it bad news was not the right choice of words. The bad news is that I'm scared. The bad news is that my heart hurts. The good news is that I'm going to be strong and make certain of things before I commit my heart and soul to them.

I sound really confident, but the truth is I'm not. I'm still incredibly vulnerable and tearful. There is sure to be much more of that to come. I don't even want to think of how it will feel to separate our belongings and pack up and move to a place of my own. It feels like an ending when I consider living apart after two years of sharing everything with someone. It will be hard to think of it as giving this relationship more of a chance rather than less of one, but I will need to keep reminding myself that that's exactly what it is. Continuing down the same path is only going to bring us more of the same hardship. This will be a new beginning.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

dissipate

I just visited a bunch of blogs I've been too swamped to visit for a while...as well as a few new ones. I don't know what my deal is, but I keep tearing up! First, I read about Lily's kitty Lola that passed after being hit by a car and her organs shutting down. I remember when she first got Lola, years ago. Reading her description of her love for Lola and the details of saying goodbye and then watching a video she made of Lola and her toddler son, Cash, well....needless to say, I was pretty emotional. Then I looked at some pictures of pregnant Crissy and read the details about her excitement that she is having a boy. I teared up again. And then just now, I watched a video montage of scenes from a wedding where there was so much love and so much happiness, I cried. I cried this time because I was jealous.

As I watched it, I thought it was beautiful to see that much love. I always thought I wanted that with Josh. I always hoped that would be us. Now, I'm not sure if that can be reality or if it's destined to remain a fantasy. Josh and I have definitely had our share of issues. He has a lot of challenges he faces just within himself. This morning, we had a conversation that led me to feel that the hope of a future that meets my desires and expectations is an impossible one. He's set himself up for so much frustration and stress, both personally and professionally. I can't support or understand why he's made and continues to make the choices he does. His problems, and my problems right now, are financial, sexual, emotional, and all of them are overwhelming. It's obvious that my work woes are enough of a stresser on me. Home should be my haven and it isn't.

My greatest fear right now is that, despite what I know and what my gut tells me, I have a problem letting go.

anniversary excursion

Today, Josh and I drove up to Leavenworth and snowshoed the day away. We opted to do this instead of the trip to Vancouver we had planned to celebrate our Anniversary. Financially, it was the smart choice. And while it was no Canadian train getaway, it was really so much fun! Lulu was especially in love with the adventure and ran every ounce of energy out of her system. She is currently dead to the world on her chair.

Josh had never been up to Leavenworth and it was fun to show him the kitschiness of the town. Maybe 40 years ago, to encourage tourism to the town, they decided to fashion the whole place after a small town in Bavaria, Germany, which is the region I am originally from. All of the buildings are built/renovated and even painted to mimic Bavaria. Even Starbucks, McDonalds and the Best Western are outfitted complete with wooden painted signs in a German Alps style in lieu of the standard neon one you would normally see on their buildings. In the summers, they have townfolk dressed in lederhosen and dirndls, performing schublatteln (traditional Bavarian clothing and dancing as seen in National Lampoon when Chevy Chase gets into a slapping match with a male dancer) in the town square complete with accordion players and tuba players performing oom-pa-pa music. For a german native like me, it's totally ridiculous. For the average American, it seems to be a hit. I must admit it puts a smile on my face regardless of it being fake. And the area where the town sits is gorgeous. The mountains surround the town like the Alps do in Bavaria and winter is a haven for snow sports while summer is the ideal place for camping, rafting, hiking and kayaking.

For dinner, we went to a german-themed restaurant and Josh had spaetzle for the first time. It was a hit, which is great because I love the stuff and can't believe I haven't made it for him before. I'll definitely add that to the rotating dinner schedule from now on.

I desperately need to upload photos from my camera. As soon as I do, I'll add some pics from today and last weekend's girls' getaway. Right now, I need to call in a sub because I've decided to play hooky tomorrow for a much needed mental health day. I'm pooped!

getting all philosophical

A bunch of stuff has happened since I last posted: a fun getaway weekend with girlfriends to Leavenworth, a harassing email that nearly sent me over the edge at work, more disrepectful treatment by coworkers, and the celebration of my 2 year anniversary with Josh.

But I don't want to post about those things right now. I'm more focused on the broader topic of my life in general. I am preoccupied with how I'm choosing to live my life and what I'm inviting for my future. In the last few years, I've made a giant leap from my uber social, economically unpredictable, self-medicated past filled with no moments just for me, to a more quiet and even anti-social, partnered life where I am working a consistent job (and presumably building a career). In recent months, I've become more social and more independent than I've been in the recent past. Still, I've maintained more of the quiet life to which I've transitioned and have been committed to my relationship with Josh both emotionally and financially. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm unhappy with it all. I don't want the life I had when I was miss popularity; I think I really do want the relationship and the house and the family.... But I also want to be happy in my career, and I want a partner who is happy in his. I want to feel attractive. I want my partner to feel the same. I want to feel financially stable. I want to feel like having a family is both truly desired and an intelligent decision. I don't have any of that. So how do I change it? And can I change it with Josh or must I change it alone?

This is what preoccupies my mind....

Heart throb

Valentine's Day started out with a smile.  Josh woke me with a sweet card and a bouquet of tulips (and a kiss) before he had to leave to do some work in Redmond. 

When he arrived home, we took Lulu to the dog park, stopped at Mighty-O for my 2nd annual gift of donuts and a Mighty-O accessory (last year a tee shirt, this year a canteen mug), then went to Matt's in the Market for the most delicious lunch ever.  I'd like to add that latter event to the list of Valentine's traditions henceforth.  I had a blood orange mimosa and a seared ahi sandwich that almost brought a tear to the eye and Josh's lamb burger was his favorite meal in a long time. Can't say enough about the food there. Post-lunch, it was a beautiful day to meander through the Market, the buzz of people buying flowers and the music of street performers making me feel happy to be alive.

We followed up our Market visit with some downtown shopping, picking up some great things for Josh and one cute top for me.  When we were leaving H&M, I mentioned that I was bummed I realized we couldn't take a much needed getaway this week, as my funds are low due to the lull of the business. It was then that Josh came clean with the real state of finances with the business.  He admitted that he won't be able to pay rent again next month (3rd month in a row), nor will he be able to pay me for insurance this month....or next.  The reality that I've been supporting us and will continue to do so on my salary for the unforseeable future sank in.  I didn't want to admit it out loud, but I honestly felt so taken advantage of.  I never knew I was supporting us.  I just thought he was leaning on me very, very temporarily. I know it wasn't his intention to do that.  I tell him what's mine is his and know I've been in a position more than once before where I've thought of what was his as mine.  Problem is, he doesn't actually know what's mine--he assumed what I make is enough to cover "us" and not stress me out.  It isn't.  In fact, since I was unaware that what he's "borrowed" from me thus far isn't slated for pay back for some time, I've realized I'm going to have to resort to borrowing money just to make ends meet this month.  Never mind that I won't have a dime to spend on my break next week.  Or the fact that I won't be able to take the pilates class I have so wanted to start in 2 weeks.  I'm screwed.  And it isn't going to get better anytime soon.

I know why all this happened.  I know exactly why.  It was irresponsibility on Josh's part.  BUT, I feel so angry.  Most days that I've been going to work and working long and hard, he's sat at home.  Sometimes he's done dishes or vacuumed.  But other times he's watched tv or played on the computer.  He says he's looked on Craigslist for jobs and not found anything he's qualified for.  Well, I bet if he was living alone on his non-existent income he would have found something!!!  Ach.  I'm just frustrated and tired.  I am asking him to write down all the debt he owes right now so we can go over it and determine whether he can afford to keep running this business.  He has several things lined up for work next month, but what do we do til that money comes in?  And when it comes in, who's it going to?  Not me.  I know that much.  Poo.  Happy Valentine's Day to me. :(