Yup. Still busy.
I went to a 3 day workshop last weekend that was amazing and beautiful and really valuable. I got so many great ideas to expose my kids to in the outdoors.
My students and I made worm bins yesterday and a local boy scout troop built the raised beds that we'll be planting in next month.
I'm kind of getting dizzy with posting and cross posting to Teach Dirty and Facebook and my expedition blog.
Speaking of which, I leave for my expedition in less than 2 weeks. I am starting to get excited. I have to send out press releases as soon as possible. I've really been slacking in that department. Today, I spent $360 at REI on some new gear. I'm kind of regretting spending that amount, but I also feel it's stuff I need for the trip and not just frivolous things.
Oh, and, I'm moving. Without Josh. We were looking for places this month and one day he says, "I think we should live apart" completely out of nowhere. I was taken aback of course, and then he said, "I think it's the only way I'm going to get my shit together." Now, we do agree he needs to get that together, but I don't understand why that means we have to part ways. Until he says, "I don't want things to change between us, though." Um, what?? So, long story short because it's late and I'm tired, he's living on a sailboat for the next 5 months and I'm not sure where I'll land. I couldn't find a place in the limited time I had before I told the landlord I'd be out, so I'm staying with my friend for 10 days before I leave for my trip, then staying with him again upon my return while I scour for and locate a home. Josh and I are putting our things into storage. Me because I need a place for it all while I'm at my friend's and gone; him because there is no room for anything but him and clothes on the boat. And in terms of "us", we're not breaking up, but I have to be honest and say that I don't understand this. It's moving backwards in a relationship. I feel that I am ready for and deserving of all or nothing....not this in-between dating stuff. We just surpassed 3 years together. We are in our mid-30's. It may just be the beginning of the end and I have been crying a LOT over it. I keep telling myself it will all work out in the end and this will all be for the best, but man is it hard. Right now my schedule is so full and consuming and I feel unprepared to deal with this. Just packing right now is breaking my spirit and heart.
I will get through this though and I'll be okay. I just need to focus on the present and stop freaking out about the future or lamenting the past. I can do it. I can.
Showing posts with label Josh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Josh. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Green dreams
I'm 10 pounds down! Now I just need to let that surprise German Chocolate Cake I got last weekend be the last for a while. We already finished it!
There are so many places I want to travel right now. We have a week off in 2 weeks--well, I do--not Josh. I want to go to either the Oregon Coast or Vegas, but I know we'll just stay here. No money to be doing even such low-budget things. Our neighbor friends just got back from Belize and I am left salivating over the photos of white beaches and an aquamarine ocean. I want to stay in a grass hut!
I keep thinking about how I wish Josh made more money. That's horrible, isn't it? I just think you should either work for passion or money. Both would be ideal, of course. As much as Josh wants to do what he does because he works for himself, I know he also believes it's the only thing he can do. I wish I could spark something to change his mindset. If he was truly
passionate, I could accept our being poor much better than I do. Of course, I'll also continue to support him regardless. I'm good at that part of the job. A girl can still dream though, can't she? It would be nice....
There are so many places I want to travel right now. We have a week off in 2 weeks--well, I do--not Josh. I want to go to either the Oregon Coast or Vegas, but I know we'll just stay here. No money to be doing even such low-budget things. Our neighbor friends just got back from Belize and I am left salivating over the photos of white beaches and an aquamarine ocean. I want to stay in a grass hut!
I keep thinking about how I wish Josh made more money. That's horrible, isn't it? I just think you should either work for passion or money. Both would be ideal, of course. As much as Josh wants to do what he does because he works for himself, I know he also believes it's the only thing he can do. I wish I could spark something to change his mindset. If he was truly
passionate, I could accept our being poor much better than I do. Of course, I'll also continue to support him regardless. I'm good at that part of the job. A girl can still dream though, can't she? It would be nice....
Saturday, November 14, 2009
stuff
Josh leaves tomorrow for a full week. Despite the fact that I don't see him too terribly much during the work week, I am sad about this. I will miss him! I'm also freaked out about being a single parent. Our ability to care for a dog really rests on the fact that he has such a flexible schedule. He's really the main caregiver because he's typically home by mid-afternoon. I'm lucky to get home by 7 and I frequently have other evening commitments that have me gone til 9:30/10. I'm particularly freaked out because I have Parent Teacher conferences til 8 on Thurs and Friday night with no ability to come home before then. Our dogwalker only comes M, W, F and it's in the mornings. Oh well, I'll figure something out. Either ask the dogwalker to add a day and come later....or....ask Nikki for help??
I am going to a coffee benefit with Josh when he gets home from work. Then brunch and the dog park followed by some shopping and a movie. We're making the most of his last day home. Tomorrow I'll be home all day writing my fellowship to go on a science expedition. I should have brought home report cards, but I wasn't thinking. Either that, or I subconciously thought the absence of them would make for a more pleasant weekend. Which it does. :) We know what I'll be doing next weekend, though..... Fun times.
Before I go, I need to document something for my files of "Holy crap I'm so glad I switched schools!" I had a fabulous evaluation meeting on Tuesday in which my principal told me I was an amazing teacher and she is so grateful to have me. Then on Thursady, when I dropped my class off at Art, the Art teacher stopped me and said, "You are a wonderful addition to this school. We are so glad to have you here." It's like I'm making this stuff up. But I'm not!! Talk about a world apart from the last few years! Every teacher deserves to feel this appreciated.
I am going to a coffee benefit with Josh when he gets home from work. Then brunch and the dog park followed by some shopping and a movie. We're making the most of his last day home. Tomorrow I'll be home all day writing my fellowship to go on a science expedition. I should have brought home report cards, but I wasn't thinking. Either that, or I subconciously thought the absence of them would make for a more pleasant weekend. Which it does. :) We know what I'll be doing next weekend, though..... Fun times.
Before I go, I need to document something for my files of "Holy crap I'm so glad I switched schools!" I had a fabulous evaluation meeting on Tuesday in which my principal told me I was an amazing teacher and she is so grateful to have me. Then on Thursady, when I dropped my class off at Art, the Art teacher stopped me and said, "You are a wonderful addition to this school. We are so glad to have you here." It's like I'm making this stuff up. But I'm not!! Talk about a world apart from the last few years! Every teacher deserves to feel this appreciated.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Oh, drunky mcdrunkerson should not post. It's the same thing as drunk dialing, you know. Worse, though, because it's available for viewing for a long time to come. I could delete that last post, but I'd rather just leave it as a reminder that I can be incredibly emotional and irrational when under the influence.
The big thing driving my last post was Josh's announcement that his trip to Indiana this Sunday for a week will allow him to truly determine if he wants to move back there or not. I am getting tired of his inconsistencies and lack of commitment to things. I know he's committed to me, but he needs to figure out what he wants aside from me and commit to it and after he does that (a feat in itself) I don't know if I'll want to fit myself into that scheme. I'm not moving to Indiana anyway. I know that with every fiber of my being. I love what I'm able to do in my job and I know I can really only do those things because of the community in which I live. If my priorities in my work change, I'll be able to consider other locales. For now, though, I'm set.
Some of my friends are also a huge impetus for that last drunken display. A few of them have been driving me nuts lately. That night in particular, I came to find out that one of them has been mad at me for the past 2 months, because she thinks I've been mad at her. Two of our mutual friends have been aware that I'm out of the loop, but they've only been fueling the fire in her mind in further believing I'm upset with her. What the hell? This middle school drama is not supposed to be happening at this late date in my life. Also, I am left feeling disappointed in my choice of friends and my naivete in trusting people. I have done what I can to smooth things over with the initial friend, although I still know my ability to trust her is changed forevermore due to her inability to talk to me about things from the start. I am now left wondering how I will pursue things with the mutual friends who have shown they don't have my best interest at heart. I would love to push a button that just puts a curtain between me and things like this and walk away quietly, but that is not life and I know it.
I got a lot of work done today on my "day off", though there is still more to be done. I have been wanting to bake something, but I don't want to put real clothes on to go to the store. I'm just too LAZY. I am beginning to realize I eat so poorly because I hate grocery shopping, cooking, and sitting down to eat. I would rather just have cereal for breakfast, canned soup for lunch, and take out for dinner. "Whatever is fastest and easiest" is pretty much my motto.
I wish we had Wednesday off every week. I've been spreading myself thin and this required break from the norm is good for me. I hope others are able to take advantage of this today, too. We could all use a break.
The big thing driving my last post was Josh's announcement that his trip to Indiana this Sunday for a week will allow him to truly determine if he wants to move back there or not. I am getting tired of his inconsistencies and lack of commitment to things. I know he's committed to me, but he needs to figure out what he wants aside from me and commit to it and after he does that (a feat in itself) I don't know if I'll want to fit myself into that scheme. I'm not moving to Indiana anyway. I know that with every fiber of my being. I love what I'm able to do in my job and I know I can really only do those things because of the community in which I live. If my priorities in my work change, I'll be able to consider other locales. For now, though, I'm set.
Some of my friends are also a huge impetus for that last drunken display. A few of them have been driving me nuts lately. That night in particular, I came to find out that one of them has been mad at me for the past 2 months, because she thinks I've been mad at her. Two of our mutual friends have been aware that I'm out of the loop, but they've only been fueling the fire in her mind in further believing I'm upset with her. What the hell? This middle school drama is not supposed to be happening at this late date in my life. Also, I am left feeling disappointed in my choice of friends and my naivete in trusting people. I have done what I can to smooth things over with the initial friend, although I still know my ability to trust her is changed forevermore due to her inability to talk to me about things from the start. I am now left wondering how I will pursue things with the mutual friends who have shown they don't have my best interest at heart. I would love to push a button that just puts a curtain between me and things like this and walk away quietly, but that is not life and I know it.
I got a lot of work done today on my "day off", though there is still more to be done. I have been wanting to bake something, but I don't want to put real clothes on to go to the store. I'm just too LAZY. I am beginning to realize I eat so poorly because I hate grocery shopping, cooking, and sitting down to eat. I would rather just have cereal for breakfast, canned soup for lunch, and take out for dinner. "Whatever is fastest and easiest" is pretty much my motto.
I wish we had Wednesday off every week. I've been spreading myself thin and this required break from the norm is good for me. I hope others are able to take advantage of this today, too. We could all use a break.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
venting novella
Well, we're moving. After living in our house for just over 2 years and going back and forth on the idea of finding a new place, the decision has been made (for us). I've been thinking this was a good idea for quite some time, but it has always felt easier to just accept that our landlord situation isn't ideal and ignore the irritations we've felt because moving is so stressful. But Josh finally lost it on her and now we've been asked to leave.
*heavy sigh*
When we first moved in, we knew our landlord was a little "different". She told us WAY too much personal information beginning with our first meeting: about her husband whom she married for the benefits who didn't live here but who would visit on occassion, about her boyfriends (current and past), about her son who had been in and out of jail, and about her dogs who all suffered from medical or emotional issues. Despite the fact that we knew she would be occupying the mother-in-law below our home, we moved in because we liked the house and the neighborhood and, honestly, because we just couldn't find anything else of which I could approve. She would continue to invade our personal space by sharing too many details about her personal life whenever we had the misfortune of running into her on the front steps or in the front yard, boyfriends would come and go, her "husband" would come and go at all hours of the day and night, they would fight and sometimes the police would even come, but still we tolerated it for a long time. Her dogs would be left alone in her place for days at a time and they would yap/bark incessantly. There were mornings I would wake up to that and scream in frustration. We should have moved. I know.
Then the dryer stopped working. Our landlord seemed irritated that we told her about this and she simply said, "Well, it always worked for me when I lived there." (She had her own washer/dryer in her unit.) It was temperamental so we accepted that we would just have to live it working on and off. Then she would have people come to our home to do remodeling. We would rarely receive notice about this, so I began to grow accustomed to people just showing up. Then the people she would hire would start knocking on our door (she had a separate entrance) asking for payment and telling us she wouldn't return their phone calls. Josh would get really pissed about this, understandably, but we never confronted her. We should have moved. I know.
Over a year ago, our dishwasher stopped working and we complained, but again she said, "Well it always worked for me." She also told us when we moved in that the dishwasher was the original (Which is obvious. It's very 1960's retro, which I do like.) The lady is clearly on another planet, so I didn't push the issue. We just started doing all the dishes by hand. This wears on you though, and the sink piles up really quickly when we're both busy which drives us both nuts. We should have moved out. I know.
Last year, we seriously started looking at new places and then Josh and I started having differences and considered living apart, so we started looking at places of our own. But then we decided to stay together and we abandoned the idea of moving because he was working on building his business and I was stressed out in my job. Suddenly, like a gift from baby Jesus, she started talking about moving out. We thought this was the answer to our prayers. Things would be so much better without her here! And we were right to some degree. At least now we don't have to deal with her dogs or her husband and their drama or her rotating boyfriends. But we didn't take into account that she was still our landlord and we would have to rely on her to fix things that broke. Josh even ended up fixing the dryer himself by removing the dryer duct and cleaning it out. It was so built up in there, it's lucky the house didn't burn down. Which reminds me, she did almost burn down our house once when she left a chicken cooking for too long while she was gone from the house. I came home to the smoke alarms going off in her part of the house and had to call the fire department. When they broke open the door to her place, smoke came gushing out in waves. Our house smelled like fire for days. We should have moved. I know.
A leaking bathtub, basement flooding damaging our luggage, ...the list is actually quite extensive....
Anyway, finally we'd had enough with the dishwasher issue and we told her it needed to be fixed NOW. Ever since she moved out, she's been living in a trailer on her ex-hsuband's property where her adult son also resides. Her son has been pretty responsive if he's around when we complain about something. Sure enough, she told us to expect a delivery on Saturday between noon and 4. So I stayed home on Saturday much to my chagrin. At around 2, the dishwasher guy shows up from Home Depot and says, "I can't install it. The current dishwasher is too far from the sink in its current configuration. You'll need a plumber and probably a contractor. Well, of course I knew the dishwasher was NOT going to ever be installed because she would never consent to spending that kind of money. When the delivery guy called her to relay all of this, she said, "Well just leave the new one there." I said, "Wait; hold up. Can I talk to her please?" I told her there was no point in leaving the dw here based on what he said and she told me, "Oh he doesn't know what he's talking about. I'll have my family members put it in." I called Josh then and relayed this to him. When he got home, he told me he had called her and told her exactly how he felt on her voicemail. "Oh my god, no", was the first thought from my brain. I told him that was NOT a good idea and then I got filled with anxiety. Josh does not have the filter that I have. He does not have a "calming mechanism". In the heat of the moment, Josh says whatever is on his mind. No holding back. I felt sick worrying about the ramifications.
Ramifications arrived at 5:06 pm today when she finally returned his phone call. I immediately heard yelling on her end and Josh promptly yelled at her in response. Name calling ensued. I kept pleading, "Calm Calm Calm", as though that would magically make them become rational adults. I finally had to walk away because I was ready to pull the phone out of his hands and end the call. Josh came to me after the phone call and said, "We have until the end of the year and then we have to move out." I started to tell him how I felt when his phone rang. It was her son. Within a minute, Josh and he were in a full on accusation match, both of them started cursing and Josh began calling him a loser for having been in and out of jail. The jail part is factual info, known to us because of the landlord's poor judgment in telling us way too much personal information all the time. Still, it had no place in a conversation about the dishwasher or any other conversation for that matter. Josh was just trying to put him down. I was in disbelief. I kept saying, "Just hang up" so finally he did. I was incredulous and speechless. Before I could say anything, the phone rang again. I said, "Give me the phone." He did. The son began and I interrupted and said, "Look, this has all gotten way out of control." He agreed and we continued to discuss the situation. He was very calm and well-spoken and I told him that I cannot justify Josh's behavior, but I wanted him (son) to know the basis of Josh's emotions. I talked about how things in the house hadn't been done like they should have, how she would violate our rights as her tenants by having people come over come into our home to do work without notice, and how people would harass us for money for work she wouldn't pay for. He talked a lot about how he had tried very hard to respond to our concerns as soon as he heard of them and I thanked him for that but also told him that he is not our landlord and it's not his responsibility. I told him that I am very uncomfortable with everything that's happened in the last 2 days and think that it's the best thing to dissolve our relationship. He said he thought that it would be best if we started looking for a new place right away, but that it was his mother's call and he would have her call me to tell us what she would like us to do. He knows she gave us to the end of the year but that has probably changed. For my sake, I know I need to leave as soon as possible and go somewhere I can live comfortably and peacefully without fear of backlash. After I got off the phone with the son, I took a few moments to hold my head in my hands and breathe. I then went back into the house and told Josh how disappointed I was in his behavior. I told him I know he has over 2 years of animosity built up, but this was not the way to handle it and especially because it affected me as well as him. He apologized and I could tell by his demeanor that he was sorry for what had happened. I know he can't actually guarantee his future behavior, but I asked him to promise me something like this would never happen again. He quickly and adamantly agreed. Of course, all that is mute right now. The current situation is something that still has my nerves all jittery and I'm beyond stressed about adding finding a new place to live, packing, and actually moving to my list of October duties. On top of all of this, I am so MAD at Josh for behaving like this, I am disappointed that we can't use this as a former residence referral, and I'm really worried about coming up with first month's rent, last month's rent and a deposit for a new place that will also accommodate Lulu. *scream* We should have moved. I know.
The house hunt begins now.
*heavy sigh*
When we first moved in, we knew our landlord was a little "different". She told us WAY too much personal information beginning with our first meeting: about her husband whom she married for the benefits who didn't live here but who would visit on occassion, about her boyfriends (current and past), about her son who had been in and out of jail, and about her dogs who all suffered from medical or emotional issues. Despite the fact that we knew she would be occupying the mother-in-law below our home, we moved in because we liked the house and the neighborhood and, honestly, because we just couldn't find anything else of which I could approve. She would continue to invade our personal space by sharing too many details about her personal life whenever we had the misfortune of running into her on the front steps or in the front yard, boyfriends would come and go, her "husband" would come and go at all hours of the day and night, they would fight and sometimes the police would even come, but still we tolerated it for a long time. Her dogs would be left alone in her place for days at a time and they would yap/bark incessantly. There were mornings I would wake up to that and scream in frustration. We should have moved. I know.
Then the dryer stopped working. Our landlord seemed irritated that we told her about this and she simply said, "Well, it always worked for me when I lived there." (She had her own washer/dryer in her unit.) It was temperamental so we accepted that we would just have to live it working on and off. Then she would have people come to our home to do remodeling. We would rarely receive notice about this, so I began to grow accustomed to people just showing up. Then the people she would hire would start knocking on our door (she had a separate entrance) asking for payment and telling us she wouldn't return their phone calls. Josh would get really pissed about this, understandably, but we never confronted her. We should have moved. I know.
Over a year ago, our dishwasher stopped working and we complained, but again she said, "Well it always worked for me." She also told us when we moved in that the dishwasher was the original (Which is obvious. It's very 1960's retro, which I do like.) The lady is clearly on another planet, so I didn't push the issue. We just started doing all the dishes by hand. This wears on you though, and the sink piles up really quickly when we're both busy which drives us both nuts. We should have moved out. I know.
Last year, we seriously started looking at new places and then Josh and I started having differences and considered living apart, so we started looking at places of our own. But then we decided to stay together and we abandoned the idea of moving because he was working on building his business and I was stressed out in my job. Suddenly, like a gift from baby Jesus, she started talking about moving out. We thought this was the answer to our prayers. Things would be so much better without her here! And we were right to some degree. At least now we don't have to deal with her dogs or her husband and their drama or her rotating boyfriends. But we didn't take into account that she was still our landlord and we would have to rely on her to fix things that broke. Josh even ended up fixing the dryer himself by removing the dryer duct and cleaning it out. It was so built up in there, it's lucky the house didn't burn down. Which reminds me, she did almost burn down our house once when she left a chicken cooking for too long while she was gone from the house. I came home to the smoke alarms going off in her part of the house and had to call the fire department. When they broke open the door to her place, smoke came gushing out in waves. Our house smelled like fire for days. We should have moved. I know.
A leaking bathtub, basement flooding damaging our luggage, ...the list is actually quite extensive....
Anyway, finally we'd had enough with the dishwasher issue and we told her it needed to be fixed NOW. Ever since she moved out, she's been living in a trailer on her ex-hsuband's property where her adult son also resides. Her son has been pretty responsive if he's around when we complain about something. Sure enough, she told us to expect a delivery on Saturday between noon and 4. So I stayed home on Saturday much to my chagrin. At around 2, the dishwasher guy shows up from Home Depot and says, "I can't install it. The current dishwasher is too far from the sink in its current configuration. You'll need a plumber and probably a contractor. Well, of course I knew the dishwasher was NOT going to ever be installed because she would never consent to spending that kind of money. When the delivery guy called her to relay all of this, she said, "Well just leave the new one there." I said, "Wait; hold up. Can I talk to her please?" I told her there was no point in leaving the dw here based on what he said and she told me, "Oh he doesn't know what he's talking about. I'll have my family members put it in." I called Josh then and relayed this to him. When he got home, he told me he had called her and told her exactly how he felt on her voicemail. "Oh my god, no", was the first thought from my brain. I told him that was NOT a good idea and then I got filled with anxiety. Josh does not have the filter that I have. He does not have a "calming mechanism". In the heat of the moment, Josh says whatever is on his mind. No holding back. I felt sick worrying about the ramifications.
Ramifications arrived at 5:06 pm today when she finally returned his phone call. I immediately heard yelling on her end and Josh promptly yelled at her in response. Name calling ensued. I kept pleading, "Calm Calm Calm", as though that would magically make them become rational adults. I finally had to walk away because I was ready to pull the phone out of his hands and end the call. Josh came to me after the phone call and said, "We have until the end of the year and then we have to move out." I started to tell him how I felt when his phone rang. It was her son. Within a minute, Josh and he were in a full on accusation match, both of them started cursing and Josh began calling him a loser for having been in and out of jail. The jail part is factual info, known to us because of the landlord's poor judgment in telling us way too much personal information all the time. Still, it had no place in a conversation about the dishwasher or any other conversation for that matter. Josh was just trying to put him down. I was in disbelief. I kept saying, "Just hang up" so finally he did. I was incredulous and speechless. Before I could say anything, the phone rang again. I said, "Give me the phone." He did. The son began and I interrupted and said, "Look, this has all gotten way out of control." He agreed and we continued to discuss the situation. He was very calm and well-spoken and I told him that I cannot justify Josh's behavior, but I wanted him (son) to know the basis of Josh's emotions. I talked about how things in the house hadn't been done like they should have, how she would violate our rights as her tenants by having people come over come into our home to do work without notice, and how people would harass us for money for work she wouldn't pay for. He talked a lot about how he had tried very hard to respond to our concerns as soon as he heard of them and I thanked him for that but also told him that he is not our landlord and it's not his responsibility. I told him that I am very uncomfortable with everything that's happened in the last 2 days and think that it's the best thing to dissolve our relationship. He said he thought that it would be best if we started looking for a new place right away, but that it was his mother's call and he would have her call me to tell us what she would like us to do. He knows she gave us to the end of the year but that has probably changed. For my sake, I know I need to leave as soon as possible and go somewhere I can live comfortably and peacefully without fear of backlash. After I got off the phone with the son, I took a few moments to hold my head in my hands and breathe. I then went back into the house and told Josh how disappointed I was in his behavior. I told him I know he has over 2 years of animosity built up, but this was not the way to handle it and especially because it affected me as well as him. He apologized and I could tell by his demeanor that he was sorry for what had happened. I know he can't actually guarantee his future behavior, but I asked him to promise me something like this would never happen again. He quickly and adamantly agreed. Of course, all that is mute right now. The current situation is something that still has my nerves all jittery and I'm beyond stressed about adding finding a new place to live, packing, and actually moving to my list of October duties. On top of all of this, I am so MAD at Josh for behaving like this, I am disappointed that we can't use this as a former residence referral, and I'm really worried about coming up with first month's rent, last month's rent and a deposit for a new place that will also accommodate Lulu. *scream* We should have moved. I know.
The house hunt begins now.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Falling for Fall
It was such a beautiful day today! So warm and sunny....yet crisp and full of rainbow colored trees. And I had so much fun. Josh and I had brunch at Maltby and then we checked out an antique store. Josh hates shopping and I don't like to go antiquing on my own, but when we shop at an antique store together, we both have fun. After that, we went for our annual pumpkin hunt at Craven Farm in Snohomish. It was a beautiful day for a drive and even more beautiful for a tromp in a pumpkin patch. I got some farm-fresh salsa and unsweetened apple butter to go with our family of pumpkins.
See? There's Josh, Lulu, and me!
We stopped at Mud Bay on the way home and I tried some things on Lulu, like this adorable fleece and corduroy coat:
She rocked it like no other, but it was a splurge buy I wasn't willing to make. Another day.
Now we have laundry to tackle and I have some things to do for school. I want to ignore it all and watch Earth, the Disney movie that just came out on DVD and snuggle with Josh on the couch. I might find a way to do it all. We'll see. First step: Get off the computer!
See? There's Josh, Lulu, and me!
We stopped at Mud Bay on the way home and I tried some things on Lulu, like this adorable fleece and corduroy coat:
She rocked it like no other, but it was a splurge buy I wasn't willing to make. Another day.
Now we have laundry to tackle and I have some things to do for school. I want to ignore it all and watch Earth, the Disney movie that just came out on DVD and snuggle with Josh on the couch. I might find a way to do it all. We'll see. First step: Get off the computer!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
counting sheep in broad daylight
There is an exhaustion within me currently that is so deep within my muscles and my mind. I can't explain it any better than that. I don't understand it, but all I want to do right now is lay very still and allow myself to drift off into a deep sleep.
But I can't.
It's Sunday and that means it's necessary to prepare for the upcoming week by completing housework, running errands, and paying bills. Yuck.
I am even more limited on time to complete these tasks today because we have a very special evening planned. We are going on a hot air balloon ride! This is something we have been planning to do for nearly 2 years and we've simply been too busy to put the plans into place. Finally, finally we are going and it's a beautiful day for it. I kind of got into an argument with the pilot this morning, though, so we are a bit worried that this could affect our good time. I might be wrong, and I hope I am. He was charging us more money than we should have been charged and Josh only admitted the charge to me this morning. He said the Pilot told him it was necessary for the time slot they had available, but according to their website, the price should not change based on the time slot. He was very surprised that I was calling him on it and insisted it was agreed upon when the appointment was made. Thing is, Josh didn't know the details on the website, so he couldn't argue it. He said, if I wanted to cancel, I would have had to call on Friday to do so. Josh only just told me about it today, so that wasn't possible. We agreed to "split the difference", which in this guy's lingo meant requiring us to still pay more than we should, but less than he told Josh. There is little I can do about it all because the guy has Josh's CC number. If I cancel, he'll charge the full amount. So we're going. But Josh and I are both kind of in a poor mood about it, which sucks. I'm sure the Pilot is in a crap mood too and will likely be awkward with us on the flight but I am determined to have a good time and THEN write a bad review online and call the BBB. Because seriously, no one should be paying over $400 for something and be in a bad mood for the whole experience. It just isn't right.
Tomorrow, our bowling league starts. I am looking forward to being silly with girlfriends. I had hoped to get my own ball, but I realize that would be yet another thing I would need to donate to goodwill in time. I am not and never will be a real bowler.
Tuesday, I start hot yoga class and ...don't tell the masculine club of America, but... Josh will be going with me! I convinced him to give it a try. His work is so physical and he has pains and aches in his back, leg and hip pretty frequently. Owning and running a business is a stressful endeavor, too. Yoga--hot yoga, especially--will be a great opportunity for him to feel some physical and emotional relief. I made him promise to do 10 classes. We'll see if he commits!
But I can't.
It's Sunday and that means it's necessary to prepare for the upcoming week by completing housework, running errands, and paying bills. Yuck.
I am even more limited on time to complete these tasks today because we have a very special evening planned. We are going on a hot air balloon ride! This is something we have been planning to do for nearly 2 years and we've simply been too busy to put the plans into place. Finally, finally we are going and it's a beautiful day for it. I kind of got into an argument with the pilot this morning, though, so we are a bit worried that this could affect our good time. I might be wrong, and I hope I am. He was charging us more money than we should have been charged and Josh only admitted the charge to me this morning. He said the Pilot told him it was necessary for the time slot they had available, but according to their website, the price should not change based on the time slot. He was very surprised that I was calling him on it and insisted it was agreed upon when the appointment was made. Thing is, Josh didn't know the details on the website, so he couldn't argue it. He said, if I wanted to cancel, I would have had to call on Friday to do so. Josh only just told me about it today, so that wasn't possible. We agreed to "split the difference", which in this guy's lingo meant requiring us to still pay more than we should, but less than he told Josh. There is little I can do about it all because the guy has Josh's CC number. If I cancel, he'll charge the full amount. So we're going. But Josh and I are both kind of in a poor mood about it, which sucks. I'm sure the Pilot is in a crap mood too and will likely be awkward with us on the flight but I am determined to have a good time and THEN write a bad review online and call the BBB. Because seriously, no one should be paying over $400 for something and be in a bad mood for the whole experience. It just isn't right.
Tomorrow, our bowling league starts. I am looking forward to being silly with girlfriends. I had hoped to get my own ball, but I realize that would be yet another thing I would need to donate to goodwill in time. I am not and never will be a real bowler.
Tuesday, I start hot yoga class and ...don't tell the masculine club of America, but... Josh will be going with me! I convinced him to give it a try. His work is so physical and he has pains and aches in his back, leg and hip pretty frequently. Owning and running a business is a stressful endeavor, too. Yoga--hot yoga, especially--will be a great opportunity for him to feel some physical and emotional relief. I made him promise to do 10 classes. We'll see if he commits!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Road Runner Reverie
I feel overwhelmed. I'm at school every night til 6:30/7 working and making check-in phone calls to parents- a requirement of teachers at the start of the year. Some of these parents want to talk for 30 minutes!! At this rate, I'll never complete my calls. Tomorrow night is a PTA meeting, Wed is staff meeting and Thursday is curriculum night (aka Back to School Night). I'll be getting home at 9 each night and the planning I have to get done for Thursday night alone is driving me a little wonky. I'm so tired and I can't get to sleep with my brain on overdrive.
To add to the lull, (ha), Josh is saying the good ol', "I think about moving back to Fort Wayne" stuff again. Dude, are you for real?!?! I am so spread thin, I finally just said, "Well, maybe you should." I know he means "us" and "we" but that doesn't work for me. I said, "You go and let me know how it is and we'll talk more then." I mean, cause really... I think he'd move there and in 2 months, be, like, "Let's go back." I'm too old for that. And no offense to those of you in Fort Wayne, but I just cannot even imagine. What would I do? How would I survive? I don't think he could either anymore, but I know how his mind works and it's very impulsive. His main reasoning is something I'll leave for another post. 'Cause I just don't get it. Maybe one of you can help me understand it when I take the time to explain. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing straight. I have to go make the effort to fall asleep now. Nighty night.
To add to the lull, (ha), Josh is saying the good ol', "I think about moving back to Fort Wayne" stuff again. Dude, are you for real?!?! I am so spread thin, I finally just said, "Well, maybe you should." I know he means "us" and "we" but that doesn't work for me. I said, "You go and let me know how it is and we'll talk more then." I mean, cause really... I think he'd move there and in 2 months, be, like, "Let's go back." I'm too old for that. And no offense to those of you in Fort Wayne, but I just cannot even imagine. What would I do? How would I survive? I don't think he could either anymore, but I know how his mind works and it's very impulsive. His main reasoning is something I'll leave for another post. 'Cause I just don't get it. Maybe one of you can help me understand it when I take the time to explain. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing straight. I have to go make the effort to fall asleep now. Nighty night.
Friday, September 18, 2009
tie red
What a week! I am dead. I had a good week but I am busier than I ever thought I could be this early into the year!
Cute Kindergarten moment: Yesterday, I assessed the kids in their "writing", which looks like pictures right now of course. I gave them a three page booklet and asked them to write a story about someone who is important to them. I wandered around the room, taking dictation to add words to their stories. Most kids had written about mom or dad; some had written about a friend or a cousin. I stopped at Madeline's desk and she had filled all three pages with the same person. I said, "Tell me your story!" She said, "Well, that's you." My heart melted. Who says I don't get paid enough?! That's worth more than money.
I am really enjoying my kids. It's an incredible amount of work, but it's truly the way a school should be. Things aren't perfect, but they are leaps and BOUNDS better than the years I worked in inner city schools. I hate that I'm only 20 minutes north of the South End and in such a different, far better world, but that's the reality of public education. It's not fair.
We're going to Maura and Dan's wedding tomorrow and Josh freaked out when I reminded him of it. We went tonight to the Rack to get him a new shirt and tie and he said, "You owe me one, honey. You gave me absolutely no notice to get clothes for this thing." Um, excuse me? You were with me when I opened the invitation, which has since been posted on the fridge that you open every day. He continued to remind me of how he was getting clothes on such sort notice as though this would somehow justify why he could take up all of my time helping him find things when I actually need to find something for myself. *eyeroll* Thank god I'm good at ignoring him when he ridiculousness comes out of his mouth. We did find him a sharp shirt, a $170 tie for $30 and cufflinks. What a score with that tie, yeah? And omg, ARE YOU KIDDING ME on that original price???? Who would ever pay that for a tie? Seriously.
I'm going to hit Macy's in the morning for something and if I don't find anything I have my Hawaii Luau dress as backup. Josh doesn't think it's wedding appropriate, but I think I'm too exhausted and poor to agree with him. We'll see what I come across tomorrow. Nothing like the last minute!
Cute Kindergarten moment: Yesterday, I assessed the kids in their "writing", which looks like pictures right now of course. I gave them a three page booklet and asked them to write a story about someone who is important to them. I wandered around the room, taking dictation to add words to their stories. Most kids had written about mom or dad; some had written about a friend or a cousin. I stopped at Madeline's desk and she had filled all three pages with the same person. I said, "Tell me your story!" She said, "Well, that's you." My heart melted. Who says I don't get paid enough?! That's worth more than money.
I am really enjoying my kids. It's an incredible amount of work, but it's truly the way a school should be. Things aren't perfect, but they are leaps and BOUNDS better than the years I worked in inner city schools. I hate that I'm only 20 minutes north of the South End and in such a different, far better world, but that's the reality of public education. It's not fair.
We're going to Maura and Dan's wedding tomorrow and Josh freaked out when I reminded him of it. We went tonight to the Rack to get him a new shirt and tie and he said, "You owe me one, honey. You gave me absolutely no notice to get clothes for this thing." Um, excuse me? You were with me when I opened the invitation, which has since been posted on the fridge that you open every day. He continued to remind me of how he was getting clothes on such sort notice as though this would somehow justify why he could take up all of my time helping him find things when I actually need to find something for myself. *eyeroll* Thank god I'm good at ignoring him when he ridiculousness comes out of his mouth. We did find him a sharp shirt, a $170 tie for $30 and cufflinks. What a score with that tie, yeah? And omg, ARE YOU KIDDING ME on that original price???? Who would ever pay that for a tie? Seriously.
I'm going to hit Macy's in the morning for something and if I don't find anything I have my Hawaii Luau dress as backup. Josh doesn't think it's wedding appropriate, but I think I'm too exhausted and poor to agree with him. We'll see what I come across tomorrow. Nothing like the last minute!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
From Uch to Uch
I wish I could be happy with being fat. Uch.
I went clothes shopping with Ang after getting pedicures and eating yummy Thai for dinner. Maybe it was the Thai, or all the dinners I've eaten this summer, but I appear to have gained beyond my knowledge! I could not rock clothes I have rocked in the past.
Too bad we're going to be in a place where I will be mostly unclothed for the majority of the time. I am going to enjoy myself no matter what, but I do wish I had less of the tummy and backfat and arm fat that I do. I am officially unpregnant now, according to the blood test I did today, and I'm feeling much better, so I guess it's time to get in gear and try to look more how I feel. Need to get disciplined!
The doctor wanted me to get on BCP again, but I refused. No more pills! She convinced me to accept a scrip for progesterone instead, but I am conflicted. I'm supposed to take it for the fact that my PCOS makes me more susceptible to endometrial cancer and putting this hormone into my system that I lack would make me less susceptible. That makes sense. BUT, I initially entered into my PCOS treatment with a Naturopath because I wanted to get my body to a point where I could naturally produce the hormone and lessen my testosterone levels. If I take this progesterone, I can't continue that therapy/process. What to do...what to do...
She is thinking we'll try to get me in a place to try to conceive come November (ie force ovulation), but I don't know if I want that. I will probably aim to wait longer than that. I know my clock is ticking and running low on battery life, but I am not married to Josh and I need to know we want to be married. Having a child with someone is more permanent a life venture than marriage and I know there is a reason marriage is the horse and babies are the cart!
Speaking of Josh, he quit the fire department. Again. He says it's final. I just don't know with him, though. Talk about a man who doesn't know what he wants! Uch.
I went clothes shopping with Ang after getting pedicures and eating yummy Thai for dinner. Maybe it was the Thai, or all the dinners I've eaten this summer, but I appear to have gained beyond my knowledge! I could not rock clothes I have rocked in the past.
Too bad we're going to be in a place where I will be mostly unclothed for the majority of the time. I am going to enjoy myself no matter what, but I do wish I had less of the tummy and backfat and arm fat that I do. I am officially unpregnant now, according to the blood test I did today, and I'm feeling much better, so I guess it's time to get in gear and try to look more how I feel. Need to get disciplined!
The doctor wanted me to get on BCP again, but I refused. No more pills! She convinced me to accept a scrip for progesterone instead, but I am conflicted. I'm supposed to take it for the fact that my PCOS makes me more susceptible to endometrial cancer and putting this hormone into my system that I lack would make me less susceptible. That makes sense. BUT, I initially entered into my PCOS treatment with a Naturopath because I wanted to get my body to a point where I could naturally produce the hormone and lessen my testosterone levels. If I take this progesterone, I can't continue that therapy/process. What to do...what to do...
She is thinking we'll try to get me in a place to try to conceive come November (ie force ovulation), but I don't know if I want that. I will probably aim to wait longer than that. I know my clock is ticking and running low on battery life, but I am not married to Josh and I need to know we want to be married. Having a child with someone is more permanent a life venture than marriage and I know there is a reason marriage is the horse and babies are the cart!
Speaking of Josh, he quit the fire department. Again. He says it's final. I just don't know with him, though. Talk about a man who doesn't know what he wants! Uch.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Getaway Weekend
I am way behind in Internet stuffs--emails, blogging, etc. etc. I am going to remain behind, too, because I am leaving for the weekend. We're about to head out to the mountains. More specifically, to the Mt. Baker area to stay in a great house/cabin for Kat and Angela's birthdays. I wish we were going to LaPush (If you read Twilight Books, you'll have an idea what I'm talking about even if you don't live here!) as was originally planned, but I know we'll have a good time no matter what.
We were supposed to go to look at/test drive/possibly buy my new car today, but Josh made a huge error in last minute laundry this morning. He washed a whole pack of gum with a load. In addition to the laundry smelling minty fresh, it is thoroughly covered in gum. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR! I was SO MAD when I started pulling clothes out and pieces of gum were making them stick together. I am only slightly less angry than I was. Namely because it all but completely ruined my bathing suit. I knew there was a reason I preferred to be responsible for our own laundry.....I should have stuck to that! There is nothing I can do about it now, so I just need to let it go.
I have baked a surprise cake for the girls and I got everything ready for Ilsa, our dogwalker who is staying at our house for the weekend with Lulu. Now I just need to pack the last of the clothes and we'll be on our way.
Have a great weekend!!
We were supposed to go to look at/test drive/possibly buy my new car today, but Josh made a huge error in last minute laundry this morning. He washed a whole pack of gum with a load. In addition to the laundry smelling minty fresh, it is thoroughly covered in gum. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR! I was SO MAD when I started pulling clothes out and pieces of gum were making them stick together. I am only slightly less angry than I was. Namely because it all but completely ruined my bathing suit. I knew there was a reason I preferred to be responsible for our own laundry.....I should have stuck to that! There is nothing I can do about it now, so I just need to let it go.
I have baked a surprise cake for the girls and I got everything ready for Ilsa, our dogwalker who is staying at our house for the weekend with Lulu. Now I just need to pack the last of the clothes and we'll be on our way.
Have a great weekend!!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Rescue
Just got back from camping. I got all the laundry sorted, the food put away, and I'm showered and fresh. Camping would be more fun if it wasn't so filthy. My car looks like I went four wheeling.
I might post more about the weekend, but right now I'll just settle for posting about Friday night. We had the biggest scare and I haven't told Josh since we didn't have cell service and he's at the station for the weekend.
Shortly after we arrived at the campsite and got the tents set up, Jeff went into the river next to our site to do some flyfishing. Lulu mistook his bobber for a ball and thought when he was casting, he was playing fetch. She dove right into the rapids and started getting swept into the falls. I saw the panic on her face, her little legs treading to swim against the strong current. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to save her.
I ran into the river, fully clothed, tripping over rocks to get to her in time. Just as she was swept underwater, I grabbed her collar and pulled. I was swept over the boulder, but my parental survival instincts kicked in (seriously!) and I used everything I had to push her over the rock into shallower water, then surfed up over to the same area. When I got out of the water, dripping wet, I was shaking from the cold and the adrenaline. I lost both of Josh's adidas soccer flips to the current, but I realized quickly that was ridiculous to be upset over.
I was so glad he wasn't there. We probably would have had to pack up the car and go home. Poor guy has been through too much in the way of my safety lately. In fact, I'm debating telling him about any of it even. I am just glad it turned out okay. I could NOT imagine losing Lulu or telling Josh that she was gone and I couldn't save her.
I might post more about the weekend, but right now I'll just settle for posting about Friday night. We had the biggest scare and I haven't told Josh since we didn't have cell service and he's at the station for the weekend.
Shortly after we arrived at the campsite and got the tents set up, Jeff went into the river next to our site to do some flyfishing. Lulu mistook his bobber for a ball and thought when he was casting, he was playing fetch. She dove right into the rapids and started getting swept into the falls. I saw the panic on her face, her little legs treading to swim against the strong current. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to save her.
I ran into the river, fully clothed, tripping over rocks to get to her in time. Just as she was swept underwater, I grabbed her collar and pulled. I was swept over the boulder, but my parental survival instincts kicked in (seriously!) and I used everything I had to push her over the rock into shallower water, then surfed up over to the same area. When I got out of the water, dripping wet, I was shaking from the cold and the adrenaline. I lost both of Josh's adidas soccer flips to the current, but I realized quickly that was ridiculous to be upset over.
I was so glad he wasn't there. We probably would have had to pack up the car and go home. Poor guy has been through too much in the way of my safety lately. In fact, I'm debating telling him about any of it even. I am just glad it turned out okay. I could NOT imagine losing Lulu or telling Josh that she was gone and I couldn't save her.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Happiness Prevails
How's about a happy post? Yes? Good. I agree.
I felt really good today. I even vacuumed and made lunch! Quite an achievement as of late, you must understand. Todd visited. I hadn't seen him since he left for Peru 2 1/2 weeks ago, so I was super happy to give him squeezes and kisses. He brought me seed jewelry, per the usual, which I love. I have to keep them in the freezer for 2 weeks in case there are eggs in there that will hatch and result in eaten seeds. Yuck! I guess you have to take such precautions when you buy fresh seed jewelry from Amazonian natives, though....
Josh got home shortly before he arrived, so we three took Lulu and Bella down to the lake for a swim. Those 2 are so cute. Lulu does these amazing belly flop leaps into the water that yield so much attention and appeal. It's hilarious. After that excursion, though, I was wiped. I am still exhausted and needing to regain my energy. Todd pretty much agreed to babysit Lu while we are in Hawaii, which is FANTASTIC. Now we only have to find someone to keep her while we are at the cabin for Ang and Kat's bdays. I called Ilsa (our dogwalker) to see if she'd be game and left a message. Fingers crossed.
Would you like to see where we are staying in Hawaii? I am getting excited!
This is our view. These are the Mokulua Islands that are off of Lanikai Beach.
This is what it will look like when I kayak to the bigger of the 2 islands to lay on the beach there.
This shot includes Josh. ;)
This is the bedroom in our cottage.
This is the kitchen.
I plan to take 5 kajillion pictures, so of course this is just a taste of what you'll experience upon our return. Yay for vacations!
I am totally busting out to MGMT's Kids as I type. 107.7 The End has been playing this song constantly and I can't get it out of my head, so of course I had to succumb to purchasing it on iTunes. Which reminds me to vent: exactly when did iTunes increase the price of a download from 99cents to $1.29? Ridiculous!
The bonus conclusion to the day is that Ilsa just called to say, Yes, she can house/puppy sit while we are at the cabin and we just sold our Crate & Barrel couch for a 150% profit. Score! I was so excited, I called Josh to tell him. Poor guy picks up no matter what these days, ever since I scared him with my medical woes. Earlier today he was hanging off the side of a building when he answered my call and just now he was in the middle of a training at the fire house. I need to tell him to not pick up when busy unless I text him to say it's an emergency. Makes me feel guilty, ....but lucky, too.
I felt really good today. I even vacuumed and made lunch! Quite an achievement as of late, you must understand. Todd visited. I hadn't seen him since he left for Peru 2 1/2 weeks ago, so I was super happy to give him squeezes and kisses. He brought me seed jewelry, per the usual, which I love. I have to keep them in the freezer for 2 weeks in case there are eggs in there that will hatch and result in eaten seeds. Yuck! I guess you have to take such precautions when you buy fresh seed jewelry from Amazonian natives, though....
Josh got home shortly before he arrived, so we three took Lulu and Bella down to the lake for a swim. Those 2 are so cute. Lulu does these amazing belly flop leaps into the water that yield so much attention and appeal. It's hilarious. After that excursion, though, I was wiped. I am still exhausted and needing to regain my energy. Todd pretty much agreed to babysit Lu while we are in Hawaii, which is FANTASTIC. Now we only have to find someone to keep her while we are at the cabin for Ang and Kat's bdays. I called Ilsa (our dogwalker) to see if she'd be game and left a message. Fingers crossed.
Would you like to see where we are staying in Hawaii? I am getting excited!
This is our view. These are the Mokulua Islands that are off of Lanikai Beach.
This is what it will look like when I kayak to the bigger of the 2 islands to lay on the beach there.
This shot includes Josh. ;)
This is the bedroom in our cottage.
This is the kitchen.
I plan to take 5 kajillion pictures, so of course this is just a taste of what you'll experience upon our return. Yay for vacations!
I am totally busting out to MGMT's Kids as I type. 107.7 The End has been playing this song constantly and I can't get it out of my head, so of course I had to succumb to purchasing it on iTunes. Which reminds me to vent: exactly when did iTunes increase the price of a download from 99cents to $1.29? Ridiculous!
The bonus conclusion to the day is that Ilsa just called to say, Yes, she can house/puppy sit while we are at the cabin and we just sold our Crate & Barrel couch for a 150% profit. Score! I was so excited, I called Josh to tell him. Poor guy picks up no matter what these days, ever since I scared him with my medical woes. Earlier today he was hanging off the side of a building when he answered my call and just now he was in the middle of a training at the fire house. I need to tell him to not pick up when busy unless I text him to say it's an emergency. Makes me feel guilty, ....but lucky, too.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Results, Step 1
I saw the specialist yesterday. What was scheduled to be a 50 minute appointment turned into a 6 hour series of events I don't think I'll ever forget. For the sake of documenting it for myself, I'm going to type it all out below. But the nuts and bolts of the story are that I'm pregnant. The fetus is likely not in my uterus, though, but rather in my fallopian tube. I also may be miscarrying it. That would explain the pain and the bleeding. I have to wait til Friday to be sure, though. I'll get tested again at that point. I am such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I went from shock to happiness to sadness to anger within minutes, it seems. I'm happy that I can get pregnant because I really didn't think I could. Naturally, I'm devastated that I am carrying a baby in the wrong place and am either miscarrying or will have to abort it. I am scared that the only 2 options for aborting it are with chemotherapy or surgery. I am angry that this is "happening to me." On Friday, I will know more. Until then, things are pretty glum in our house. Josh is really sad about it, but he is being incredibly nurturing and supportive.
Here's the play by play...
At the appointment, which I was late for because I unwittingly wrote the time down wrong, she could only talk to me for 10 minutes before her next patient. I gave her the gist of what's been going on and she said that I was likely bleeding so long due to being ammenhoreac, which just means that I don't get my period very often. She said she would prescribe me some Provera to stop the bleeding and then schedule me for an ultrasound for 2 weeks from now to see what the deal with the pain was.
She then asked me to pee in a cup for a standard pregnancy test that they do at that office. I thought it was dumb to do since I had obviously been having my period for a month. But then, just before she was supposed to give me the scrip and I was to leave, she came in and said, "Never mind what I said before. We have a different scenario on hand. You're pregnant." I about fell off the table when she said that! I got very teary and said, "This can't be good. I've been bleeding for a month!" She did a quick pelvic exam and said it looks good because I'm not exhibiting signs of internal bleeding. I didn't know what she meant by that til later.
Then I had to go to the hospital for an emergency blood draw and ultrasound. The Radiologist couldn't see a fetus in my uterus, which basically meant my pregnancy was probably ectopic, which means it's in my fallopian tube and thus needed to be aborted. She (Radiologist) wanted me to go right to the ER for surgery, but she called my gynecologist first who just asked that I come back to her office instead.
So I did, and she told me then that there are 1 of 3 scenarios going on: 1. I have an ectopic pregnancy that needs to be removed by surgery or chemotherapy, 2. I have an ectopic pregnancy that is miscarrying (explaining the blood) or 3. I have a healthy pregnancy that is too early to be identified on an ultrasound and is possibly going to be okay but is just having a rough start (ie the pain and bleeding). The third scenario is the least likely.
By this time, I had called Josh and he joined us and got up to speed. We agonizingly waited for the blood results to help us determine the case. If my hormone levels were high, it would indicate a developed pregnancy in the wrong place (the tube), and we would need to operate or do the chemo before it could burst my tube and I developed internal bleeding (which is what she was checking for in my pelvic exam). If my hormone levels were low, it indicated an underdeveloped pregnancy that could be in my tube or my uterus, requiring us to wait 2 days and test the levels again to be more certain.
When my levels came back, they were low, so I would have to wait 2 days to get them checked again. On Friday, if those levels have doubled, I am likely having a normal pregnancy. If those levels have dropped, I am likely having a miscarriage. If those levels are only slightly elevated, I likely have an ectopic pregnancy in my fallopian tube that will need to be aborted.
I feel strongly that I have an ectopic pregnancy. Friday will help me determine whether or not I have to go through chemo. I don't want to do surgery because there is always a risk involved. Chemo will be hard--I will be in a lot of pain for at least 72 hours after getting the shot of chemo, with likely nausea. There is also still a chance my tube could burst despite or during that time. So I will have to be closely monitored.
What I did get was a shot of Rogan because I am O negative, so if the fetus in me is a positive bloodtype, I could reject it or any future positive bloodtype fetus. That shot was pretty painless.
I have shed a lot of tears. Josh wants me to be pregnant in a healthy way, but I don't feel in my heart that is the case. Regardless, I am looking at a lot more time of "not feeling normal".
Here's the play by play...
At the appointment, which I was late for because I unwittingly wrote the time down wrong, she could only talk to me for 10 minutes before her next patient. I gave her the gist of what's been going on and she said that I was likely bleeding so long due to being ammenhoreac, which just means that I don't get my period very often. She said she would prescribe me some Provera to stop the bleeding and then schedule me for an ultrasound for 2 weeks from now to see what the deal with the pain was.
She then asked me to pee in a cup for a standard pregnancy test that they do at that office. I thought it was dumb to do since I had obviously been having my period for a month. But then, just before she was supposed to give me the scrip and I was to leave, she came in and said, "Never mind what I said before. We have a different scenario on hand. You're pregnant." I about fell off the table when she said that! I got very teary and said, "This can't be good. I've been bleeding for a month!" She did a quick pelvic exam and said it looks good because I'm not exhibiting signs of internal bleeding. I didn't know what she meant by that til later.
Then I had to go to the hospital for an emergency blood draw and ultrasound. The Radiologist couldn't see a fetus in my uterus, which basically meant my pregnancy was probably ectopic, which means it's in my fallopian tube and thus needed to be aborted. She (Radiologist) wanted me to go right to the ER for surgery, but she called my gynecologist first who just asked that I come back to her office instead.
So I did, and she told me then that there are 1 of 3 scenarios going on: 1. I have an ectopic pregnancy that needs to be removed by surgery or chemotherapy, 2. I have an ectopic pregnancy that is miscarrying (explaining the blood) or 3. I have a healthy pregnancy that is too early to be identified on an ultrasound and is possibly going to be okay but is just having a rough start (ie the pain and bleeding). The third scenario is the least likely.
By this time, I had called Josh and he joined us and got up to speed. We agonizingly waited for the blood results to help us determine the case. If my hormone levels were high, it would indicate a developed pregnancy in the wrong place (the tube), and we would need to operate or do the chemo before it could burst my tube and I developed internal bleeding (which is what she was checking for in my pelvic exam). If my hormone levels were low, it indicated an underdeveloped pregnancy that could be in my tube or my uterus, requiring us to wait 2 days and test the levels again to be more certain.
When my levels came back, they were low, so I would have to wait 2 days to get them checked again. On Friday, if those levels have doubled, I am likely having a normal pregnancy. If those levels have dropped, I am likely having a miscarriage. If those levels are only slightly elevated, I likely have an ectopic pregnancy in my fallopian tube that will need to be aborted.
I feel strongly that I have an ectopic pregnancy. Friday will help me determine whether or not I have to go through chemo. I don't want to do surgery because there is always a risk involved. Chemo will be hard--I will be in a lot of pain for at least 72 hours after getting the shot of chemo, with likely nausea. There is also still a chance my tube could burst despite or during that time. So I will have to be closely monitored.
What I did get was a shot of Rogan because I am O negative, so if the fetus in me is a positive bloodtype, I could reject it or any future positive bloodtype fetus. That shot was pretty painless.
I have shed a lot of tears. Josh wants me to be pregnant in a healthy way, but I don't feel in my heart that is the case. Regardless, I am looking at a lot more time of "not feeling normal".
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Aloha
Remember how I said Josh and I were going to Brazil this summer? I was wrong. Josh did not get his butt in gear and get his visa in time. :( It was also really anxiety-inducing for him because of how much the plane ticket and visa were going to be. So, we changed our plans and put Brazil on hold.
We're going to Hawaii instead! We'll be there from Aug.9-14. Not super long, but I'm really looking forward to the break. And Josh has never been, so it will be fun to see him light up at all the beauty. I am feverishly looking for lodging in Kailua, which is away from the hubub of Waikiki. There are no hotels in Kailua, so we have to either stay at a B&B, which is like staying in some stranger's house (always tiring) or in someone's guest house (which is nearly the same, but not). I naturally want the guest house option, but many of those have already been spoken for. Seems like the ones that haven't are a teensy bit out of our price range..... Well, it will all work out in the end.
I can't wait to get my medical concerns worked out so I can actually get excited about this trip! As of now, I feel like I might never stop bleeding and never be able to walk or run or bend pain-free. Last night I cried in Josh's arms about it. I didn't mean to. He was holding me and I was talking to him about how I am so tired of feeling this way and in the midst of my words, I was surprised to be interrupted with forceful sobs. He was concerned and held me tight. He asked me what I was feeling and I told him I was just so miserable being like this and how I don't want him to think of me as such a weak, pathetic person. He assured me that he doesn't think that at all. He just wants for me the same thing as I do. He wants me to not be in pain or be so affected in this way. It felt so good to cry in his arms. I have been holding a lot of this inside of me. I have never, ever been good at resting. I am a very active person and sitting around makes me feel shamefully lazy. But for the last month, I have been doing a lot of just sitting around and sleeping in. And I feel horrible about myself as a result. I have not accomplished much of anything, though I've been trying to "live life as usual". When you feel like your insides are separating, tearing, getting stabbed on a continual basis...well, you don't feel like life is "usual" so living it as such is difficult.
I finally made an appointment with another doctor, since mine seems to be just waiting out my pain. I made an appointment with a specialist who is a gynecologist dealing with "problem issues". When I called and the receptionist told me this, she said, "The Dr. won't see you for just any issue. She can only accept new patients for extreme problems." I said, "I have Ammenorhea and I have been bleeding for nearly a month with extreme pain and possible cyst ruptures." She said, "Allright, can you come in tomorrow?" Haha. I guess I qualify! I'm glad she'll be able to get me in so soon. I'll be going in at 1:30. I am hopeful she can just tell me how I can stop hurting and feeling so tired. Even if she can't stop the bleeding (though that's likely why I'm so tired). I can handle that part, though I should have stock in O.B. at this rate. Then, of course, I hope she can help fix everything else. But first, the pain.
We're going to Hawaii instead! We'll be there from Aug.9-14. Not super long, but I'm really looking forward to the break. And Josh has never been, so it will be fun to see him light up at all the beauty. I am feverishly looking for lodging in Kailua, which is away from the hubub of Waikiki. There are no hotels in Kailua, so we have to either stay at a B&B, which is like staying in some stranger's house (always tiring) or in someone's guest house (which is nearly the same, but not). I naturally want the guest house option, but many of those have already been spoken for. Seems like the ones that haven't are a teensy bit out of our price range..... Well, it will all work out in the end.
I can't wait to get my medical concerns worked out so I can actually get excited about this trip! As of now, I feel like I might never stop bleeding and never be able to walk or run or bend pain-free. Last night I cried in Josh's arms about it. I didn't mean to. He was holding me and I was talking to him about how I am so tired of feeling this way and in the midst of my words, I was surprised to be interrupted with forceful sobs. He was concerned and held me tight. He asked me what I was feeling and I told him I was just so miserable being like this and how I don't want him to think of me as such a weak, pathetic person. He assured me that he doesn't think that at all. He just wants for me the same thing as I do. He wants me to not be in pain or be so affected in this way. It felt so good to cry in his arms. I have been holding a lot of this inside of me. I have never, ever been good at resting. I am a very active person and sitting around makes me feel shamefully lazy. But for the last month, I have been doing a lot of just sitting around and sleeping in. And I feel horrible about myself as a result. I have not accomplished much of anything, though I've been trying to "live life as usual". When you feel like your insides are separating, tearing, getting stabbed on a continual basis...well, you don't feel like life is "usual" so living it as such is difficult.
I finally made an appointment with another doctor, since mine seems to be just waiting out my pain. I made an appointment with a specialist who is a gynecologist dealing with "problem issues". When I called and the receptionist told me this, she said, "The Dr. won't see you for just any issue. She can only accept new patients for extreme problems." I said, "I have Ammenorhea and I have been bleeding for nearly a month with extreme pain and possible cyst ruptures." She said, "Allright, can you come in tomorrow?" Haha. I guess I qualify! I'm glad she'll be able to get me in so soon. I'll be going in at 1:30. I am hopeful she can just tell me how I can stop hurting and feeling so tired. Even if she can't stop the bleeding (though that's likely why I'm so tired). I can handle that part, though I should have stock in O.B. at this rate. Then, of course, I hope she can help fix everything else. But first, the pain.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Moving Pictures
Josh and I just saw Public Enemies. It was fantastic! Highly recommended. Plus, John Dillinger is from Indiana and they reference Indiana throughout. That added to our enjoyment. I love the 30's. I would totally have dated a gangster/bank robber. Is that odd?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
unhealth
This past week has been pretty hard on me, health-wise. Ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I've been taking a lot of herbal remedies and vitamins to help with my liver function. My liver is not pushing out the testosterone in my body like most female's livers do, so I am not ovulating and my emotions are very unpredictable. I also lack a great deal of energy because I am not able to process Vitamin D correctly. Last week, I got my first period in months. This made me think I was getting better. Then, 4 days after it stopped, I started another period. Heavier and more painful than the first. I called the Naturopath describing the pain and we are now pretty certain I'm not having my period, I'm simply bleeding from an ovarian cyst slowly popping. There are moments when I think, "OMIGOD THE PAIN PLEASE JUST KNOCK ME OUT RIGHT NOW" and then, it goes away. But then I move or sit in a way that puts pressure on it and I want to scream. I'm looking at 2 more months (at least) of so many pills every morning, drinking a disgusting tincture in juice, and putting beta-carotene drops on my tongue. Additionally, I have to radically change my diet. This is the part that scares me more than anything. Because of this PCOS, I am exhibiting diabetic-type symptoms in regards to insulin, so I have to eat a low-glycemic diet. That isn't the scary part. The scary part is that I basically have to eat all day long and, it's going to sound weird but, I really hate eating. Some things are yummy and if I am hungry I will happily eat them. But eating isn't fun to me. I like to do it once, maybe twice a day. Other than that, it seems really tedious. With this diet, I'm supposed to eat six times a day--at least. I don't think I'm going to be very good at it. It sounds expensive and time consuming and... boring.
Although I've been in too much pain to be really active this week, I've managed to do some fun things on my first real week of vacation. On Tuesday, I met the girls at Post in Post Alley for drinks and I ended up singing Billie Jean with the band in front of the whole place. Yesterday, I met some friends for lunch at Zeek's and then I took Lulu to the beach. The weather was so glorious and the beauty of the ocean and mountains were breathtaking. I felt like I was in the Mediterranean. I am a lucky girl to live where I do! When I got home, I packed a picnic and met Nikki at the Zoo for the Patty Griffin/Emmylou Harris/Shawn Colvin show. Afterwards, we went to her house and had a fire pit fire in the backyard with her boyfriend and two of his friends. Josh and Lulu joined us just before midnight.
My favorite event of the week was getting an iPhone!!! I love it. It was Josh's birthday present to me. Josh has been an amazing boyfriend throughout all this crap with my health. I am very lucky to have his love and adoration. He's going to the fire station again tonight and I am bummed about that. I've been busy with friends for 2 nights in a row and I could really use some downtime with him tonight. I guess that will have to wait til tomorrow....
Although I've been in too much pain to be really active this week, I've managed to do some fun things on my first real week of vacation. On Tuesday, I met the girls at Post in Post Alley for drinks and I ended up singing Billie Jean with the band in front of the whole place. Yesterday, I met some friends for lunch at Zeek's and then I took Lulu to the beach. The weather was so glorious and the beauty of the ocean and mountains were breathtaking. I felt like I was in the Mediterranean. I am a lucky girl to live where I do! When I got home, I packed a picnic and met Nikki at the Zoo for the Patty Griffin/Emmylou Harris/Shawn Colvin show. Afterwards, we went to her house and had a fire pit fire in the backyard with her boyfriend and two of his friends. Josh and Lulu joined us just before midnight.
My favorite event of the week was getting an iPhone!!! I love it. It was Josh's birthday present to me. Josh has been an amazing boyfriend throughout all this crap with my health. I am very lucky to have his love and adoration. He's going to the fire station again tonight and I am bummed about that. I've been busy with friends for 2 nights in a row and I could really use some downtime with him tonight. I guess that will have to wait til tomorrow....
Sunday, June 28, 2009
absence and beauty
I'm sure that in a few years I'll be relishing the times Josh has to be at the station for 2-3 days straight. But right now, I'm really wishing he didn't have to be gone so long. :(
Remind me of this when I'm feeling ready to pull my hair out over his male-isms later in the week.
Now, pictures! (If you're my facebook friend, you've already seen these)
Over Memorial Day Weekend, My friends Angela and Vicky and I went to a music festival called Sasquatch, which takes place at the Breathtaking Gorge Amphitheatre a couple of hours away from Seattle. Here are a bunch of photos I took and only just today uploaded from my camera (that needs to be on my areas to improve list):
The next morning, after camping, we went to the Cave B Inn and Vineyard next door to the Amphitheatre and had a 5 star brunch!
This is the Main Inn:
Walking through the Vineyard:
These are the cottages:
Here you can see the amphitheatre on the left and the Main Inn on the right:
Simply breathtaking:
Remind me of this when I'm feeling ready to pull my hair out over his male-isms later in the week.
Now, pictures! (If you're my facebook friend, you've already seen these)
Over Memorial Day Weekend, My friends Angela and Vicky and I went to a music festival called Sasquatch, which takes place at the Breathtaking Gorge Amphitheatre a couple of hours away from Seattle. Here are a bunch of photos I took and only just today uploaded from my camera (that needs to be on my areas to improve list):
The next morning, after camping, we went to the Cave B Inn and Vineyard next door to the Amphitheatre and had a 5 star brunch!
This is the Main Inn:
Walking through the Vineyard:
These are the cottages:
Here you can see the amphitheatre on the left and the Main Inn on the right:
Simply breathtaking:
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Little Miss Complains A Lot
Excuse me while I grump for a spell.
I was roused from my sleep this morning by kisses and a whispering Josh promising that he would be back in an hour from a quick job and that he would be taking me to brunch. Not a bad way to wake up! But then, an hour later, when he came back and I was prepping myself for a morning of yummies, he told me that in fact plans had changed. He said he had just gotten off the phone with an old friend from the fire station in Indiana who had joined the Army and was recently moved to Fort Lewis. We could still have brunch, but it would be more like lunch, once he returned from picking this guy up, and then we'd hang out with said friend for the weekend. Because, oh yeah, he'd be spending the night.
[Cue bad mood.]
Now, I like people. I really do. I think it's safe to say that I'm a people person even. But waking up on the first day of my weekend to, "Hey, we're gonna have a house guest in an hour" makes me not pleased. At all. I don't want to entertain anyone. I don't want to clean the house for anyone. I don't want to host anyone. I don't want to care how I look or how my house looks or consider anyone's feelings about how to spend my weekend. I want to eat a gluttonous brunch, followed by a trip to the park with my dog, followed by an afternoon of rest. I was considering going out with Kat tonight to see Mark's band, but I was really thinking a movie would be a better option since I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO EXERT ENERGY TODAY.
I just hope this person is likeable. I never met him in the 3 1/2 months I lived in FW, so I am confused as to how he and Josh are "good friends".
.......
What I do know is that I need to get rid of my bad attitude because right now I feel like taking the dog and going up to Edmonds and hiding out with Todd. I know I need to just swallow it and vacuum the living room. Which of course, I will. And then I'll make myself look decent and put a big smile on my face and be very nice and accomodating.
But just between you and me, I'm not going to like it.
I was roused from my sleep this morning by kisses and a whispering Josh promising that he would be back in an hour from a quick job and that he would be taking me to brunch. Not a bad way to wake up! But then, an hour later, when he came back and I was prepping myself for a morning of yummies, he told me that in fact plans had changed. He said he had just gotten off the phone with an old friend from the fire station in Indiana who had joined the Army and was recently moved to Fort Lewis. We could still have brunch, but it would be more like lunch, once he returned from picking this guy up, and then we'd hang out with said friend for the weekend. Because, oh yeah, he'd be spending the night.
[Cue bad mood.]
Now, I like people. I really do. I think it's safe to say that I'm a people person even. But waking up on the first day of my weekend to, "Hey, we're gonna have a house guest in an hour" makes me not pleased. At all. I don't want to entertain anyone. I don't want to clean the house for anyone. I don't want to host anyone. I don't want to care how I look or how my house looks or consider anyone's feelings about how to spend my weekend. I want to eat a gluttonous brunch, followed by a trip to the park with my dog, followed by an afternoon of rest. I was considering going out with Kat tonight to see Mark's band, but I was really thinking a movie would be a better option since I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO EXERT ENERGY TODAY.
I just hope this person is likeable. I never met him in the 3 1/2 months I lived in FW, so I am confused as to how he and Josh are "good friends".
.......
What I do know is that I need to get rid of my bad attitude because right now I feel like taking the dog and going up to Edmonds and hiding out with Todd. I know I need to just swallow it and vacuum the living room. Which of course, I will. And then I'll make myself look decent and put a big smile on my face and be very nice and accomodating.
But just between you and me, I'm not going to like it.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Thou shalt not kill
When Obama was elected into office, I knew the impact of an African-American taking office was a monumental event for our country, but especially for the population I teach. I went about trying to find out how I could get an inauguration newspaper for each one of my students, to laminate and give to them as a keepsake. It took me about a week of volleying phone calls with several offices to convince the Seattle Times that they should donate 25 issues to my class. In fact, the company "politely declined",citing financial concerns, but eventually, an "anonymous donor" finally came through. I coordinated picking the papers up from their downtown office, battling rush hour traffic, and after 2 attempts, finally got all of the issues. I told Josh of my plan, and then took individual photos of all of the students making the peace sign while holding up an Obama pop-art notecard. I planned to put the two together with their Journal writing from that day reviewing the election. Now, this all happened in January, of course. Here it is June and I am just now getting around to putting this into fruition. But that's okay, because it's a lifetime memoir and it's going to be a great end of the year gift.
I looked high and low for those papers over the weekend, to no avail. I remembered that they were in a large Eddie Bauer shopping bag, small, but also easy to spot. I asked Josh this morning as I was getting ready for work if he recalled seeing them in the office (where I had placed them for safe-keeping). He responded immediately with, "Oh, yeah. I tossed those months ago." I looked at him, stunned, in disbelief. He must be joking, right?! I said, "Wha- Huh?" He said, "Oh yeah. You never used them and they were just taking up space so I recycled them."
Oh. My. God. I have never wanted to be more single in my life.
I looked high and low for those papers over the weekend, to no avail. I remembered that they were in a large Eddie Bauer shopping bag, small, but also easy to spot. I asked Josh this morning as I was getting ready for work if he recalled seeing them in the office (where I had placed them for safe-keeping). He responded immediately with, "Oh, yeah. I tossed those months ago." I looked at him, stunned, in disbelief. He must be joking, right?! I said, "Wha- Huh?" He said, "Oh yeah. You never used them and they were just taking up space so I recycled them."
Oh. My. God. I have never wanted to be more single in my life.
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