A bunch of stuff has happened since I last posted: a fun getaway weekend with girlfriends to Leavenworth, a harassing email that nearly sent me over the edge at work, more disrepectful treatment by coworkers, and the celebration of my 2 year anniversary with Josh.
But I don't want to post about those things right now. I'm more focused on the broader topic of my life in general. I am preoccupied with how I'm choosing to live my life and what I'm inviting for my future. In the last few years, I've made a giant leap from my uber social, economically unpredictable, self-medicated past filled with no moments just for me, to a more quiet and even anti-social, partnered life where I am working a consistent job (and presumably building a career). In recent months, I've become more social and more independent than I've been in the recent past. Still, I've maintained more of the quiet life to which I've transitioned and have been committed to my relationship with Josh both emotionally and financially. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm unhappy with it all. I don't want the life I had when I was miss popularity; I think I really do want the relationship and the house and the family.... But I also want to be happy in my career, and I want a partner who is happy in his. I want to feel attractive. I want my partner to feel the same. I want to feel financially stable. I want to feel like having a family is both truly desired and an intelligent decision. I don't have any of that. So how do I change it? And can I change it with Josh or must I change it alone?
This is what preoccupies my mind....
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