venting novella

Well, we're moving. After living in our house for just over 2 years and going back and forth on the idea of finding a new place, the decision has been made (for us). I've been thinking this was a good idea for quite some time, but it has always felt easier to just accept that our landlord situation isn't ideal and ignore the irritations we've felt because moving is so stressful. But Josh finally lost it on her and now we've been asked to leave.

*heavy sigh*

When we first moved in, we knew our landlord was a little "different". She told us WAY too much personal information beginning with our first meeting: about her husband whom she married for the benefits who didn't live here but who would visit on occassion, about her boyfriends (current and past), about her son who had been in and out of jail, and about her dogs who all suffered from medical or emotional issues. Despite the fact that we knew she would be occupying the mother-in-law below our home, we moved in because we liked the house and the neighborhood and, honestly, because we just couldn't find anything else of which I could approve. She would continue to invade our personal space by sharing too many details about her personal life whenever we had the misfortune of running into her on the front steps or in the front yard, boyfriends would come and go, her "husband" would come and go at all hours of the day and night, they would fight and sometimes the police would even come, but still we tolerated it for a long time. Her dogs would be left alone in her place for days at a time and they would yap/bark incessantly. There were mornings I would wake up to that and scream in frustration. We should have moved. I know.

Then the dryer stopped working. Our landlord seemed irritated that we told her about this and she simply said, "Well, it always worked for me when I lived there." (She had her own washer/dryer in her unit.) It was temperamental so we accepted that we would just have to live it working on and off. Then she would have people come to our home to do remodeling. We would rarely receive notice about this, so I began to grow accustomed to people just showing up. Then the people she would hire would start knocking on our door (she had a separate entrance) asking for payment and telling us she wouldn't return their phone calls. Josh would get really pissed about this, understandably, but we never confronted her. We should have moved. I know.

Over a year ago, our dishwasher stopped working and we complained, but again she said, "Well it always worked for me." She also told us when we moved in that the dishwasher was the original (Which is obvious. It's very 1960's retro, which I do like.) The lady is clearly on another planet, so I didn't push the issue. We just started doing all the dishes by hand. This wears on you though, and the sink piles up really quickly when we're both busy which drives us both nuts. We should have moved out. I know.

Last year, we seriously started looking at new places and then Josh and I started having differences and considered living apart, so we started looking at places of our own. But then we decided to stay together and we abandoned the idea of moving because he was working on building his business and I was stressed out in my job. Suddenly, like a gift from baby Jesus, she started talking about moving out. We thought this was the answer to our prayers. Things would be so much better without her here! And we were right to some degree. At least now we don't have to deal with her dogs or her husband and their drama or her rotating boyfriends. But we didn't take into account that she was still our landlord and we would have to rely on her to fix things that broke. Josh even ended up fixing the dryer himself by removing the dryer duct and cleaning it out. It was so built up in there, it's lucky the house didn't burn down. Which reminds me, she did almost burn down our house once when she left a chicken cooking for too long while she was gone from the house. I came home to the smoke alarms going off in her part of the house and had to call the fire department. When they broke open the door to her place, smoke came gushing out in waves. Our house smelled like fire for days. We should have moved. I know.

A leaking bathtub, basement flooding damaging our luggage, ...the list is actually quite extensive....

Anyway, finally we'd had enough with the dishwasher issue and we told her it needed to be fixed NOW. Ever since she moved out, she's been living in a trailer on her ex-hsuband's property where her adult son also resides. Her son has been pretty responsive if he's around when we complain about something. Sure enough, she told us to expect a delivery on Saturday between noon and 4. So I stayed home on Saturday much to my chagrin. At around 2, the dishwasher guy shows up from Home Depot and says, "I can't install it. The current dishwasher is too far from the sink in its current configuration. You'll need a plumber and probably a contractor. Well, of course I knew the dishwasher was NOT going to ever be installed because she would never consent to spending that kind of money. When the delivery guy called her to relay all of this, she said, "Well just leave the new one there." I said, "Wait; hold up. Can I talk to her please?" I told her there was no point in leaving the dw here based on what he said and she told me, "Oh he doesn't know what he's talking about. I'll have my family members put it in." I called Josh then and relayed this to him. When he got home, he told me he had called her and told her exactly how he felt on her voicemail. "Oh my god, no", was the first thought from my brain. I told him that was NOT a good idea and then I got filled with anxiety. Josh does not have the filter that I have. He does not have a "calming mechanism". In the heat of the moment, Josh says whatever is on his mind. No holding back. I felt sick worrying about the ramifications.

Ramifications arrived at 5:06 pm today when she finally returned his phone call. I immediately heard yelling on her end and Josh promptly yelled at her in response. Name calling ensued. I kept pleading, "Calm Calm Calm", as though that would magically make them become rational adults. I finally had to walk away because I was ready to pull the phone out of his hands and end the call. Josh came to me after the phone call and said, "We have until the end of the year and then we have to move out." I started to tell him how I felt when his phone rang. It was her son. Within a minute, Josh and he were in a full on accusation match, both of them started cursing and Josh began calling him a loser for having been in and out of jail. The jail part is factual info, known to us because of the landlord's poor judgment in telling us way too much personal information all the time. Still, it had no place in a conversation about the dishwasher or any other conversation for that matter. Josh was just trying to put him down. I was in disbelief. I kept saying, "Just hang up" so finally he did. I was incredulous and speechless. Before I could say anything, the phone rang again. I said, "Give me the phone." He did. The son began and I interrupted and said, "Look, this has all gotten way out of control." He agreed and we continued to discuss the situation. He was very calm and well-spoken and I told him that I cannot justify Josh's behavior, but I wanted him (son) to know the basis of Josh's emotions. I talked about how things in the house hadn't been done like they should have, how she would violate our rights as her tenants by having people come over come into our home to do work without notice, and how people would harass us for money for work she wouldn't pay for. He talked a lot about how he had tried very hard to respond to our concerns as soon as he heard of them and I thanked him for that but also told him that he is not our landlord and it's not his responsibility. I told him that I am very uncomfortable with everything that's happened in the last 2 days and think that it's the best thing to dissolve our relationship. He said he thought that it would be best if we started looking for a new place right away, but that it was his mother's call and he would have her call me to tell us what she would like us to do. He knows she gave us to the end of the year but that has probably changed. For my sake, I know I need to leave as soon as possible and go somewhere I can live comfortably and peacefully without fear of backlash. After I got off the phone with the son, I took a few moments to hold my head in my hands and breathe. I then went back into the house and told Josh how disappointed I was in his behavior. I told him I know he has over 2 years of animosity built up, but this was not the way to handle it and especially because it affected me as well as him. He apologized and I could tell by his demeanor that he was sorry for what had happened. I know he can't actually guarantee his future behavior, but I asked him to promise me something like this would never happen again. He quickly and adamantly agreed. Of course, all that is mute right now. The current situation is something that still has my nerves all jittery and I'm beyond stressed about adding finding a new place to live, packing, and actually moving to my list of October duties. On top of all of this, I am so MAD at Josh for behaving like this, I am disappointed that we can't use this as a former residence referral, and I'm really worried about coming up with first month's rent, last month's rent and a deposit for a new place that will also accommodate Lulu. *scream* We should have moved. I know.

The house hunt begins now.

sun kisses

Lulu and I went for a power walk: hillclimbing 70th-75th, walking down from Greenwood to Fremont and sprinting between blocks. I'm going to try to add one more hill next time.  I don't think I get tired as much as I just get bored.  It takes a long time to go that distance and I didn't bring my iPod, so that made it a little less entertaining.

God it's gorgeous today!  Lulu and I got sun kissed up and down.  Lots of people were out in their gardens or walking or at the coffee shops.  I forgot it was President's Day.  I didn't think many people got that holiday off, but apparently they do.  I liked all the energy around us.

Yesterday was a crap day.  Josh had an episode, in public, and Lulu and I were both affected.  I managed to busy myself by making snickerdoodles from a recipe site. I substituted 1/2 cup of the sugar for Splenda.  They turned out yum.  I had never made them before, so I expected the dough to be wetter and the cookie to "grow" more like chocolate chip cookies do in the oven.  They don't.  They don't really look baked when you take them out, but as soon as they cool, you can taste that they are baked. My first batch were too small (since I expected them to grow while baking),

but the second and third batch were just right.  I ended up smooshing them down a bit thinner onto the sheet.

For consistency's sake, I think the trick is to take them out just before you're supposed to so the middle is soft and the sides are a bit more baked.

I meant to make us appointments to donate blood today, but Josh got some work he was able to go do so I am going to try for another day this week. I plan to make an appt. for Lulu to give blood as well. I feel it's our duty to give it since we're able to. I also need to make a hair appt. this week and I really dread going. I haven't been happy with a haircut since 2006.  The hairstylist who did it messed it up the very next time and ever since then I've just been salon hopping trying to do damage control.  I'm going to try out a place a few others have been blogging about since it's just down the street.  May as well. 

Thank god for weeks off!

Over it

My day at work was disgusting. I got called in to a meeting as soon as I arrived with the parent of one of my students, a CPS worker, our counselor and the Family Support Worker. No heads up, no email in regards.  Just a note in my box when I arrived to go to the FSW's office.  The CPS worker wouldn't make eye contact with me.  And I was pissed.  You know that meeting wasn't just created that morning.  It was created days/weeks ahead and I was just never notified.  Because, you see, even though I spend more time with this student than even the mother, I don't count.  That's exactly how I felt.  The CPS worker proceeded to tell me I wasn't doing what I should do with the student.  She told me I needed to do this and that.  I had to bite my tongue until it bled to stop myself from telling her off.  I wanted to say, "Oh I didn't realize you taught Kindergarten.  Please, come into my room.  Teach today.  Show me how it's done.  Obviously I need to learn."  Agh I could just scream.

Then, an hour later Jarred's therapist came to do an observation.  He started acting like a terror per usual and I had to keep it together, fearing she would report my handling of the situation.  On top of that, my mentor teacher was in there observing my classroom management. I couldn't do it. The whole class fell apart.  I wanted to say, "I give up.  Please.  Handle the class for me.  I'm done."  I didn't, though.  I kept going.  Horribly.  The day progressed and Jarred ended the day by punching, screaming, kicking, and telling me through his angry tears, "I just want to go home.  I don't want to be here tomorrow for the party.  I just want to go home."  Poor thing.  He hates school and I don't blame him.  I hate school because of him.  I need to look into private schools.  This week.

I went out to dinner with Josh tonight.  Thankfully. It was really nice.  The last few days I've been falling for him more; believing more in his ability to get better with his anger issues.  Then we went to Ken's to get him some milk and a dessert and he said, "What do you want for dessert?"  I said, "I think I'll just be happy to get a drink at Oliver's Twist!"  I assumed we were going to go there after the store since I'd suggested it before. He threw his dessert into the case, slammed down the milk, and stormed out of Ken's saying, "Fine, let's get out of here then."  Lovely. I went into the wine section to separate myself from his drama.  After pretending to look at a few wines, calming my anxiety by admiring different labels, I decided I would go to O.T. by myself. I don't want his anger to continue to control me. I am so over it.  Sometimes I think, with the state of my days at work and my nights with him, it's a wonder I am still standing.  I am waiting to feel the pain of ulcers and the heart pain from high blood pressure instead of just looking like crap on the outside like I do now.  After a while, convinced he had headed home with Lulu, I bought a copy of Cosmo and went to O.T.  The indie and ambient music set a wonderful background for my cocktails and reading.  Looking around at the happy couples and gathered friends felt comfortable to me and made me nostalgic. I used to be so social.  That died when I began my friendship with Todd and wanted to stop drinking as much.  I miss it, though. --Not the drinking.  I miss the energy of people and the atmosphere. I miss being interesting to people.  I miss being a welcome addition to any social event. I want to rekindle that flame within me.  I want to make myself happy to be me again: inside and out.  I feel like Josh's lifestyle is lethargic, often negative, and regularly depressed.  Trying to live with that, within that, makes me feel like someone I loathe being.  I need to regain my confidence and beauty and love for life.  I am horrified what will become of me if I don't.  First goal: getting back in shape.

Wish me luck.