Green dreams

I'm 10 pounds down! Now I just need to let that surprise German Chocolate Cake I got last weekend be the last for a while. We already finished it!

There are so many places I want to travel right now. We have a week off in 2 weeks--well, I do--not Josh. I want to go to either the Oregon Coast or Vegas, but I know we'll just stay here. No money to be doing even such low-budget things. Our neighbor friends just got back from Belize and I am left salivating over the photos of white beaches and an aquamarine ocean. I want to stay in a grass hut!

I keep thinking about how I wish Josh made more money. That's horrible, isn't it? I just think you should either work for passion or money. Both would be ideal, of course. As much as Josh wants to do what he does because he works for himself, I know he also believes it's the only thing he can do. I wish I could spark something to change his mindset. If he was truly
passionate, I could accept our being poor much better than I do. Of course, I'll also continue to support him regardless. I'm good at that part of the job. A girl can still dream though, can't she? It would be nice....

roadrunner

The other day mom told me that in Europe they've been giving people who have older cars a stipend with which to purchase a new one in order to stimulate the economy. She said Obama is wanting to do the same thing. My interest was definitely peaked since I've been wanting to part ways with my trusty 9-year-old redmobile. I scoured the web for info and found this:

Depending on the legislation, the program would offer $3,000 to $7,000 cash for your trade-in vehicle, as long as that vehicle is 8 years old or getting worse than 18 miles per gallon. Any one of those numbers could change as legislators shape the bill, but it probably will include most or all foreign or American cars.

A similar incentive program helped motivate buyers in Europe. The idea here is the same with all three programs - to help not only struggling automakers, but all the ancillary businesses that are tied to the industry's success.

on this newsblog.

I really, really hope it goes through. I asked mom how long she thought it might take and she said it would have to happen soon, in order to help the economy when it needs it most. This means I could have a new car in my future!!!!!! Wheeeeeee!!!

rumbles in my tumbles

This week has been non-stop! Mom and Dad visiting has been so much fun and I'm really sad to have to take them to the airport in 9 short hours (most of which I'll be sleeping away, I hope!). Currently, my belly is uncomfortably bulging with an incredibly yummy dinner from Oceanaire. I can't believe it was $270 for the four of us, but it was truly delish so I can accept it. Unfortunately, though, I'd like to throw it all up with the discomfort I feel in my overstuffed tummy. Seriously. Eating well and overdoing it are two different things. I'll have to keep this in mind in the future. It's been a long time since I've eaten that much in one sitting and I don't ever want to eat again at this point. My workout plan MUST start tomorrow without fail. I'm extra motivated since I tried on clothes for the last two days, depressed with the state of my body under those harsh flourescent lights they have in dressing rooms. Whoever thought that was a good idea, btw? Low, romantic lighting is the only way clothing stores will ever be successful at stimulating the economy!

We have done so much this week and it was the best distraction from the state of affairs of my personal life. I really do love having family around me. Too bad it's only once in a great while. In the next few days, I may try to record our adventures. If mom and dad upload the pics from their visit, I'll have a photo essay to add as well.

Josh got a letter from his old company's lawyer today. They are threatening to sue him if he doesn't close his business or at least relocate it and operate at least 30 miles outside of the Metro area. He signed a non-compete when he started with them, but I fail to see how Josh's one-man operation is competition for a 20-man million $ empire. The stupid economy is to blame for this greed, but of course I am affected emotionally by this situation. I have always defended his old boss while Josh and his old coworkers criticized him and said he was greedy and unethical. I never expected he would have pulled this. It's wrong. Josh is struggling to make his company successful, and it has not made any kind of real profit yet. In all honesty, it will probably never be of the magnitude that this guy's company has reached after 27 years. If it is, it will take him nearly just as long, I'm sure. I suppose J should take it as a compliment that there is a fear he will actually threaten a million dollar business with his skill and business sense. All in all, though, it's a pain in the butt. According to the letter, Josh has 14 days to close his business. If he doesn't comply, they will take legal action. This means legal fees and having to put a hold on his business during the "fight". There's a good chance Josh could win since it's not likely the non-compete contract will hold up in court. But if Josh has to even put his business on hold, it's a bad situation for him financially. If Josh can't do this work, I don't know what he'll do. He's not really skilled to do anything else and the economy isn't such that he can just go get any random job. The non-compete says he can't work for anyone in the same industry either, meaning he can't even do the work for someone else...not that there are jobs available. In the morning, he'll be contacting free legal advice to see what the options are. We'll worry about things then, I suppose, but that isn't stopping me from thinking ahead. Worse case scenario is that he'll have to move in order to continue to do the same work/have the same business. It's not an impossible scenario but it sure isn't ideal. That means starting over essentially and the market in another area is an uncertain one. Not to mention that he'd have to figure out where he would want to live. If we stay together, that means I'd be moving too. Since I'm not exactly employed yet for next year, that would be feasible for me. BUT, again, it wasn't an expected plan. With the recent talk we had, my mind is not prepared to consider picking up and moving away with him, even if it's only an hour or two from here. We had considered a move to a cheaper area once before, but that idea had kind of been laid to rest. We decided we liked it here and I have a good chance of getting re-hired in this school district. Who knows what my chances would be elsewhere with the job market being what it is? Ugh.

Maybe my tummy is gurgling with more than a food baby. Stress makes for a pretty unhappy tum, too. I'm going to try to sleep and put my mind to rest. I have a feeling Friday is going to be a day for which I'll need to be well-rested.

getting all philosophical

A bunch of stuff has happened since I last posted: a fun getaway weekend with girlfriends to Leavenworth, a harassing email that nearly sent me over the edge at work, more disrepectful treatment by coworkers, and the celebration of my 2 year anniversary with Josh.

But I don't want to post about those things right now. I'm more focused on the broader topic of my life in general. I am preoccupied with how I'm choosing to live my life and what I'm inviting for my future. In the last few years, I've made a giant leap from my uber social, economically unpredictable, self-medicated past filled with no moments just for me, to a more quiet and even anti-social, partnered life where I am working a consistent job (and presumably building a career). In recent months, I've become more social and more independent than I've been in the recent past. Still, I've maintained more of the quiet life to which I've transitioned and have been committed to my relationship with Josh both emotionally and financially. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm unhappy with it all. I don't want the life I had when I was miss popularity; I think I really do want the relationship and the house and the family.... But I also want to be happy in my career, and I want a partner who is happy in his. I want to feel attractive. I want my partner to feel the same. I want to feel financially stable. I want to feel like having a family is both truly desired and an intelligent decision. I don't have any of that. So how do I change it? And can I change it with Josh or must I change it alone?

This is what preoccupies my mind....

Heart throb

Valentine's Day started out with a smile.  Josh woke me with a sweet card and a bouquet of tulips (and a kiss) before he had to leave to do some work in Redmond. 

When he arrived home, we took Lulu to the dog park, stopped at Mighty-O for my 2nd annual gift of donuts and a Mighty-O accessory (last year a tee shirt, this year a canteen mug), then went to Matt's in the Market for the most delicious lunch ever.  I'd like to add that latter event to the list of Valentine's traditions henceforth.  I had a blood orange mimosa and a seared ahi sandwich that almost brought a tear to the eye and Josh's lamb burger was his favorite meal in a long time. Can't say enough about the food there. Post-lunch, it was a beautiful day to meander through the Market, the buzz of people buying flowers and the music of street performers making me feel happy to be alive.

We followed up our Market visit with some downtown shopping, picking up some great things for Josh and one cute top for me.  When we were leaving H&M, I mentioned that I was bummed I realized we couldn't take a much needed getaway this week, as my funds are low due to the lull of the business. It was then that Josh came clean with the real state of finances with the business.  He admitted that he won't be able to pay rent again next month (3rd month in a row), nor will he be able to pay me for insurance this month....or next.  The reality that I've been supporting us and will continue to do so on my salary for the unforseeable future sank in.  I didn't want to admit it out loud, but I honestly felt so taken advantage of.  I never knew I was supporting us.  I just thought he was leaning on me very, very temporarily. I know it wasn't his intention to do that.  I tell him what's mine is his and know I've been in a position more than once before where I've thought of what was his as mine.  Problem is, he doesn't actually know what's mine--he assumed what I make is enough to cover "us" and not stress me out.  It isn't.  In fact, since I was unaware that what he's "borrowed" from me thus far isn't slated for pay back for some time, I've realized I'm going to have to resort to borrowing money just to make ends meet this month.  Never mind that I won't have a dime to spend on my break next week.  Or the fact that I won't be able to take the pilates class I have so wanted to start in 2 weeks.  I'm screwed.  And it isn't going to get better anytime soon.

I know why all this happened.  I know exactly why.  It was irresponsibility on Josh's part.  BUT, I feel so angry.  Most days that I've been going to work and working long and hard, he's sat at home.  Sometimes he's done dishes or vacuumed.  But other times he's watched tv or played on the computer.  He says he's looked on Craigslist for jobs and not found anything he's qualified for.  Well, I bet if he was living alone on his non-existent income he would have found something!!!  Ach.  I'm just frustrated and tired.  I am asking him to write down all the debt he owes right now so we can go over it and determine whether he can afford to keep running this business.  He has several things lined up for work next month, but what do we do til that money comes in?  And when it comes in, who's it going to?  Not me.  I know that much.  Poo.  Happy Valentine's Day to me. :(