From Uch to Uch

I wish I could be happy with being fat. Uch.

I went clothes shopping with Ang after getting pedicures and eating yummy Thai for dinner. Maybe it was the Thai, or all the dinners I've eaten this summer, but I appear to have gained beyond my knowledge! I could not rock clothes I have rocked in the past.

Too bad we're going to be in a place where I will be mostly unclothed for the majority of the time. I am going to enjoy myself no matter what, but I do wish I had less of the tummy and backfat and arm fat that I do. I am officially unpregnant now, according to the blood test I did today, and I'm feeling much better, so I guess it's time to get in gear and try to look more how I feel. Need to get disciplined!

The doctor wanted me to get on BCP again, but I refused. No more pills! She convinced me to accept a scrip for progesterone instead, but I am conflicted. I'm supposed to take it for the fact that my PCOS makes me more susceptible to endometrial cancer and putting this hormone into my system that I lack would make me less susceptible. That makes sense. BUT, I initially entered into my PCOS treatment with a Naturopath because I wanted to get my body to a point where I could naturally produce the hormone and lessen my testosterone levels. If I take this progesterone, I can't continue that therapy/process. What to do...what to do...

She is thinking we'll try to get me in a place to try to conceive come November (ie force ovulation), but I don't know if I want that. I will probably aim to wait longer than that. I know my clock is ticking and running low on battery life, but I am not married to Josh and I need to know we want to be married. Having a child with someone is more permanent a life venture than marriage and I know there is a reason marriage is the horse and babies are the cart!

Speaking of Josh, he quit the fire department. Again. He says it's final. I just don't know with him, though. Talk about a man who doesn't know what he wants! Uch.