Men are from Mars

Uch. I'm so irritated. It's 11 pm and Josh just got home from hanging out with a friend. Now, I am totally in support of friendships, being independent, and having fun. I'm not in support of being inconsiderate, though. I called Josh at 4:15 practically in tears because my stress level was so high with all this crap that happened at work. He was preoccupied with his own work, but listened to me vent and said nice things. I said I was maybe going to skip the gym, then we hung up. I ended up going to the gym anyway and at 7, when I left, I called him. We were supposed to go to a show tonight at 7:30 but I knew neither of us were impassioned about going so I decided against it when I realized the time. I thought it was weird he hadn't tried to call me though. When he picked up, it was loud on the other end. He told me he was having a drink with Alan at Prost. Then he said, "Oh are we going to a show tonight?" I told him it didn't seem like it (due to the time) and he said he would be home soon for dinner. I got home and started dinner and showered and all of that. No Josh. I ate dinner, watched tv, did dishes and laundry and then it was 9. No Josh. He called at 9 to say he wouldn't be home for dinner and would be eating out (You think?!?!?). I told him I was irritated. He said, "I'm sorry, babe. Do you want me to come home right now?" I told him that he should just eat and come home because I wasn't about to tell him in front of his friend that he needed to leave. That really wasn't the point anyway. So he said he'd be home within the hour. That was 2 hours ago. I put a note on the bedroom door that said, "Please don't wake me. Thanks for sleeping on the couch." Obviously, I did it to be a bitch. But I want him to know how irritated I am! I heard him come into the hall, read the note and kind of half-laugh, half-groan. Part of me wants to confront him, but the other part knows it would be a horrible idea. I don't need to fight with him at 11 pm and regret it. Plus I think I should sleep on it and address it when I'm rested and calm.

One of the things that is bothering me is who Josh was hanging out with. I like Alan, but I worry that he's a bad influence on Josh. He's not into drugs or crime. Alan is a single guy with no priorities. He's not a loser; he's a hippie. Not in the sense that he's dirty but in the sense that he's probably 39 or 40 and just extremely free. In the 2 years I've known him, he's never had a relationship or dated anyone, he's never had a long-term place of residence, he kind of works when he wants to and often doesn't without being stressed about money, and he has no real commitments of any kind. Sounds okay, I guess, but I also think it sounds kind of lonely. And being 40 without roots in anyone, anything or any place is....risky.

Alan is the person Josh hangs out with more than anyone else here. He has a good time with him and that's the part I truly support. I guess I just wonder if Josh loses a sense of commitment and priority when he's around him. That's not the guy I wanted to be with. That's not the guy I want to be with.

And all in all, this whole post, the way I feel throughout it, makes me feel guilty. Like I'm possessive or controlling or needy. I don't feel that way inside, but admitting these other feelings makes me feel badly. Are they valid feelings?