what's NEWs

Summer vacation officially started last Wednesday, but I have been working every day at school since. Boo. For the 3rd year in a row, I am having to move classrooms. Last year was because I changed schools, but the other two years is because I keep getting booted to a different room. It's so annoying. Yes, next year I will have a much bigger room, but that doesn't make up for all this extra (unpaid) work I'm doing to pack, clean, clean, unpack, lift, carry, haul, clean, arrange....and the list goes on. It's made worse this year because I am moving into the room of a woman who is retiring after 31 years. 31 years in the SAME ROOM. Can you believer it? There are so many pieces of CRAP in this room. And the filth!!! Oh my. The filth. Yech. So anyway. It's a lot of work. Tomorrow, I hope to be done for a while. At least until the floor in my new room gets waxed. Then I can go in and start to really arrange and place and organize. For now, all of the tables have to be stacked against the wall and all the shelves pushed into the corner. I can't even tell how/if the furniture is going to fit in there until the floors are done. Lame.

I started seeing a new therapist when I got back from Nova Scotia. She is actually an Art Therapist, which was something of a gamble for me. I'd never had Art Therapy before, but I've worked with Art therapists in my career in education and I have even taken some Art Therapy classes. As such, it wasn't weird to me. I just didn't know how I might benefit from it or if I would at all. Basically, at the start of every session, she has me do something that doesn't involve conversation. She once had me make a card for myself. Another time, she had me select a couple of trinkets from a box that spoke to me. The last time we met, she asked me to draw something that was related to my vision of this summer. She always offers a variety of media including pen and markers and oil pastels. We then talk about these things. It's pretty revealing. I like it so far. The rest of the time is either spent talking about what's most pressing or charting major moments on the timeline of my life. I don't enjoy that last one so much, even though it's one of the major reasons I started seeing a therapist again. I want to look at my history to see why I do what I do and what patterns I need to identify to stop getting the same results. I get so busy and I ignore so much in my life--relationships, emotions, stress. It's totally unhealthy and I am doing it on purpose. I need to figure out why. Drawing every week might not be the solution, but I'm willing to try.

I determined my vision for the summer is to shed things. I need to shed fears, insecurities, bad choices, unhealthy emotions, and physical weight. All of it is interconnected. I haven't done anything yet to start this process, but I am excited to admit that I'm going to a Pilates mat class again tomorrow for the first time in two years. I don't know why I've waited so long. I LOVE Pilates. I even aspired to get Pilates certified for a time. In preparation, I took a reformer class since then and didn't like it at all. I realized I needed to focus on mat. I just haven't gotten motivated to go to another mat class and tomorrow, I am finally changing that. Thanks to my twinstar, Angela. I brought it up to her at my birthday celebration and she agreed to join me. Even if she doesn't commit to going more than once in a blue moon, I plan to sign up for at least a month. If I truly love it, I'll find a way to fit the extra $100 a month into my budget. I need to feel better inside as well as better about my outside. STAT. Here's to taking the first step...

breaking up is hard to do

I broke up with my therapist on Sunday and she will NOT leave me alone. It's really upsetting me. I haven't seen her for very long and I had a feeling within the first 2 sessions that she wasn't a perfect match. Still, I held on for a couple of more sessions to really make sure. Sometimes you just don't click or feel like therapy is productive with someone, and that's just the way it is. My therapist should understand that since I'm surely not the first person who has felt the need to part ways with her. From what I know, it's common. She's a nice person, about my mom's age, and very kind. BUT, she has a 48 hour cancellation policy that I have already had to "violate" and it really made me feel anxious when I had to cancel with only 24 hour's notice. Insurance won't cover a session you miss, so it's $150 to cancel in less that 48 hours. On top of it, she made me feel guilty for it. She said, "Well, you know I really should hold you to the policy, but your reason is a pretty important one so I will work with you." (I had an interview that was arranged last minute with no ability on my part to be flexible.) Last session, she seemed preoccupied when I met with her and she even ended the session without saying anything to me. She just packed up her bag like she was in a rush to get somewhere and stood by the door saying, "Well, I'll see you next week!" I awkwardly got up and left. That, and the fact that I realized I didn't feel comfortable telling her everything that was on my mind during the session, solidified that I needed to part ways. So I called her on Sunday and left a message saying I wanted to suspend therapy and thought that was that. She called me on Monday and left a vm saying she wanted to talk about why and asked if I would still come in on Tuesday and talk with her about it. I called back and left a message citing the extreme cancellation policy as my reason and told her I couldn't come in that day (which was true). She said she would be flexible about the policy and wants to see if she can further work with me. Wednesday she calls me again asking if I will call her and/or come in next Tuesday to have a closing therapy session. UGH! I just want her to accept my first request! This feels like pestering to me and is just making me feel so incredibly guilty. I have a hard time breaking up with people, obviously. I am now stuck feeling like I need to just leave her a blunt voicemail to say I don't think we click and hope she leaves me alone. I hate to make anyone feel badly, but for crying out loud this person is supposed to be understanding! I really think she should have just said, "Well, I understand your feelings about the cancellation policy. I am willing to change that for you, so if that would help please let me know. Otherwise, I wish you well." Would it be irresponsible on her part or unhealthy to say that? Because that's what I want.

I already called a new therapist, though with this experience I'm feeling like I don't even want to get involved with anyone anymore. Angela sees someone that she said is really very good and a total straight shooter. I want a straight shooter. I don't think my current/ex-therapist is enough of a straight shooter. In other words, I don't necessarily feel like things are resolved after talking to her. What a stresser this all is. Clearly not the results I wanted to achieve from therapy. I think I'll wait til this drama is over before I commit to someone new. I need a break from therapist relationships!

In other news, 16 days left of school! Finally, freedom is within my reach! I have Monday off, too, in order to meet with the teachers and principal at my new school. I am excited to be there and be able to look forward with anticipation!

Last weekend was amazingly fun. I had such a great time with Vicky and Angela. None of the reservations I had before came true. Sasquatch was awesome and I can't wait for next year! I'm trying to figure out what exactly to do for my birthday weekend next month and can't seem to tie anything down. What I really want to do (houseboat on the Columbia or staying at Cave B) is just not in the monetary cards right now. Plus, scheduling something like that with people is a pain in the ass and just not something I'm prepared to do with everything else going on. Keeping up with my life is really hard these days. I need more sleep, less obligations, and a cleaning lady.

This weekend: Seeing Mark's band at Hell's Kitchen with Katherine, donating blood, Acupuncture, watching my little Kindergartner, Raven, perform at her dance concert, and seeing Monique in the championship Roller Derby bout. Right now: grilling tuna and corn with Josh. Good stuff.

rooted

With planning a visit to see Gabe, Josh having to get his business taxes done by 4/15, me needing to apply to jobs this week and interview soon after, I talked Josh into asking Janice if we could rescind our notice to move out. He agreed! Better yet, so did she!!!!! Yay! We can stay, we can stay, we can stay.

Turns out, she's trying to get someone else to move into the MIL apartment under the house, so we wouldn't even have to deal with her anymore if she ends up being successful at getting a new tentant! That would mean we could even end up liking living here 100%, since that means she'd be moving out. Yippee!!!! I would love to live here until we move into a place of our own. Fingers crossed.

Had the best workout today. Just kicked some major bootay.

Also. Think I grabbed Jarred's arm too hard when he tried to ruin the paints today, after screaming "I hate you! You are disgusting!" and then emitting ear-piercing shrill screams at the top of his lungs. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it to the end of the year without smacking him. I don't believe in hitting kids, even if they are my own flesh and blood, but when there is a child so hateful and mean in your "care" 5 days a week, 7 hours a day, you can only take so much abuse before you just want to hurt him back. GAH! Horrible situation. Tomorrow, I start therapy. Long overdue.

Okay, procrastinating on writing my cover letters. Back to the grind....