The art of doing Nothing

I know I can't afford it and I really don't have the right mindset, but I do ache just the teensiest for a baby. I also ache for a home and a new car and financial security. Those, unfortunately, are the more sensible things to work towards.

I saw on the news last night that one of the only places in the country not suffering from the recession is Battle Mountain, NV.  That's because their economy is due to gold mining and when the national economy is poor, gold is worth more. I mentioned to Josh that maybe we should move there for a year and save money.  I didn't mention how barren the place is-how it's miles from any sort of entertainment or true civilization. I didn't mention how much I was sure I would truly be miserable there, even though we would be doing it "for a good cause". I didn't need to.  His immediate response was, "Why? We would hate that!" I know. I just really, really want to save money so we can buy things we need for our future.  When I looked up other places with lower costs of living online, I found that Tennessee and Oklahoma are the 2 lowest cost of living states. I really liked Tulsa when I helped Jason move there some years back, but the landscape of Tennessee is far more appealing to me.  Still, when I relayed this info to Josh he was able to put me back into reality.  "You don't want to be land-locked, Angela." It's true.  I love being on the coast.  The only problem is that a higher cost of living seems to go hand in hand with coastal living.  Too bad. I don't think we'd really save money anyway, considering we don't do anything that is in crucial demand for work like nursing or law enforcement. We'd probably make less doing our jobs wherever it cost less to live. It's all relative, I'm sure. Bummer.

I think we'll be able to give blood today. Josh came home for a quick lunch before finishing up his day and anticipates completing work by 2. I really need to shower and take Lulu out for some exercise. She keeps looking at me with anticipation, then sighing heavily when I don't react. Poor boo. I also need to make that hair appointment. I keep putting it off.  The longer I put it off the harder it is to call! I know I'm being silly.  I just need to do it. It's not surgery.  It's just a haircut.

sun kisses

Lulu and I went for a power walk: hillclimbing 70th-75th, walking down from Greenwood to Fremont and sprinting between blocks. I'm going to try to add one more hill next time.  I don't think I get tired as much as I just get bored.  It takes a long time to go that distance and I didn't bring my iPod, so that made it a little less entertaining.

God it's gorgeous today!  Lulu and I got sun kissed up and down.  Lots of people were out in their gardens or walking or at the coffee shops.  I forgot it was President's Day.  I didn't think many people got that holiday off, but apparently they do.  I liked all the energy around us.

Yesterday was a crap day.  Josh had an episode, in public, and Lulu and I were both affected.  I managed to busy myself by making snickerdoodles from a recipe site. I substituted 1/2 cup of the sugar for Splenda.  They turned out yum.  I had never made them before, so I expected the dough to be wetter and the cookie to "grow" more like chocolate chip cookies do in the oven.  They don't.  They don't really look baked when you take them out, but as soon as they cool, you can taste that they are baked. My first batch were too small (since I expected them to grow while baking),

but the second and third batch were just right.  I ended up smooshing them down a bit thinner onto the sheet.

For consistency's sake, I think the trick is to take them out just before you're supposed to so the middle is soft and the sides are a bit more baked.

I meant to make us appointments to donate blood today, but Josh got some work he was able to go do so I am going to try for another day this week. I plan to make an appt. for Lulu to give blood as well. I feel it's our duty to give it since we're able to. I also need to make a hair appt. this week and I really dread going. I haven't been happy with a haircut since 2006.  The hairstylist who did it messed it up the very next time and ever since then I've just been salon hopping trying to do damage control.  I'm going to try out a place a few others have been blogging about since it's just down the street.  May as well. 

Thank god for weeks off!

eta emt

We found out yesterday, via mail, that Josh isn't eligible to apply for the lateral FF position in Tukwila.  It was a disappointment to me, but it's actually good because it means he can stop studying for the exam and start focusing on the EMT test. He has too much on his plate right now to be worrying about both exams. I am glad he can just focus on one for now and use the EMT cert as a catalyst to open up possibilities for the Fire Department.  It will be easier for him to apply for FF positions with the EMT cert anyway.  And, if nothing comes available in the area of Firefighting, he can use the EMT cert to get a PT job that will actually allow him to work on his business.  It's a good thing.  Fingers crossed he studies and makes it in to the program.

UPDATE:  Scratch that. Not 30 minutes after posting this, Josh discovered Bremerton FD is accepting applications for FF's without EMT cert until 2/23.  Here we go again......

Heart throb

Valentine's Day started out with a smile.  Josh woke me with a sweet card and a bouquet of tulips (and a kiss) before he had to leave to do some work in Redmond. 

When he arrived home, we took Lulu to the dog park, stopped at Mighty-O for my 2nd annual gift of donuts and a Mighty-O accessory (last year a tee shirt, this year a canteen mug), then went to Matt's in the Market for the most delicious lunch ever.  I'd like to add that latter event to the list of Valentine's traditions henceforth.  I had a blood orange mimosa and a seared ahi sandwich that almost brought a tear to the eye and Josh's lamb burger was his favorite meal in a long time. Can't say enough about the food there. Post-lunch, it was a beautiful day to meander through the Market, the buzz of people buying flowers and the music of street performers making me feel happy to be alive.

We followed up our Market visit with some downtown shopping, picking up some great things for Josh and one cute top for me.  When we were leaving H&M, I mentioned that I was bummed I realized we couldn't take a much needed getaway this week, as my funds are low due to the lull of the business. It was then that Josh came clean with the real state of finances with the business.  He admitted that he won't be able to pay rent again next month (3rd month in a row), nor will he be able to pay me for insurance this month....or next.  The reality that I've been supporting us and will continue to do so on my salary for the unforseeable future sank in.  I didn't want to admit it out loud, but I honestly felt so taken advantage of.  I never knew I was supporting us.  I just thought he was leaning on me very, very temporarily. I know it wasn't his intention to do that.  I tell him what's mine is his and know I've been in a position more than once before where I've thought of what was his as mine.  Problem is, he doesn't actually know what's mine--he assumed what I make is enough to cover "us" and not stress me out.  It isn't.  In fact, since I was unaware that what he's "borrowed" from me thus far isn't slated for pay back for some time, I've realized I'm going to have to resort to borrowing money just to make ends meet this month.  Never mind that I won't have a dime to spend on my break next week.  Or the fact that I won't be able to take the pilates class I have so wanted to start in 2 weeks.  I'm screwed.  And it isn't going to get better anytime soon.

I know why all this happened.  I know exactly why.  It was irresponsibility on Josh's part.  BUT, I feel so angry.  Most days that I've been going to work and working long and hard, he's sat at home.  Sometimes he's done dishes or vacuumed.  But other times he's watched tv or played on the computer.  He says he's looked on Craigslist for jobs and not found anything he's qualified for.  Well, I bet if he was living alone on his non-existent income he would have found something!!!  Ach.  I'm just frustrated and tired.  I am asking him to write down all the debt he owes right now so we can go over it and determine whether he can afford to keep running this business.  He has several things lined up for work next month, but what do we do til that money comes in?  And when it comes in, who's it going to?  Not me.  I know that much.  Poo.  Happy Valentine's Day to me. :(

Over it

My day at work was disgusting. I got called in to a meeting as soon as I arrived with the parent of one of my students, a CPS worker, our counselor and the Family Support Worker. No heads up, no email in regards.  Just a note in my box when I arrived to go to the FSW's office.  The CPS worker wouldn't make eye contact with me.  And I was pissed.  You know that meeting wasn't just created that morning.  It was created days/weeks ahead and I was just never notified.  Because, you see, even though I spend more time with this student than even the mother, I don't count.  That's exactly how I felt.  The CPS worker proceeded to tell me I wasn't doing what I should do with the student.  She told me I needed to do this and that.  I had to bite my tongue until it bled to stop myself from telling her off.  I wanted to say, "Oh I didn't realize you taught Kindergarten.  Please, come into my room.  Teach today.  Show me how it's done.  Obviously I need to learn."  Agh I could just scream.

Then, an hour later Jarred's therapist came to do an observation.  He started acting like a terror per usual and I had to keep it together, fearing she would report my handling of the situation.  On top of that, my mentor teacher was in there observing my classroom management. I couldn't do it. The whole class fell apart.  I wanted to say, "I give up.  Please.  Handle the class for me.  I'm done."  I didn't, though.  I kept going.  Horribly.  The day progressed and Jarred ended the day by punching, screaming, kicking, and telling me through his angry tears, "I just want to go home.  I don't want to be here tomorrow for the party.  I just want to go home."  Poor thing.  He hates school and I don't blame him.  I hate school because of him.  I need to look into private schools.  This week.

I went out to dinner with Josh tonight.  Thankfully. It was really nice.  The last few days I've been falling for him more; believing more in his ability to get better with his anger issues.  Then we went to Ken's to get him some milk and a dessert and he said, "What do you want for dessert?"  I said, "I think I'll just be happy to get a drink at Oliver's Twist!"  I assumed we were going to go there after the store since I'd suggested it before. He threw his dessert into the case, slammed down the milk, and stormed out of Ken's saying, "Fine, let's get out of here then."  Lovely. I went into the wine section to separate myself from his drama.  After pretending to look at a few wines, calming my anxiety by admiring different labels, I decided I would go to O.T. by myself. I don't want his anger to continue to control me. I am so over it.  Sometimes I think, with the state of my days at work and my nights with him, it's a wonder I am still standing.  I am waiting to feel the pain of ulcers and the heart pain from high blood pressure instead of just looking like crap on the outside like I do now.  After a while, convinced he had headed home with Lulu, I bought a copy of Cosmo and went to O.T.  The indie and ambient music set a wonderful background for my cocktails and reading.  Looking around at the happy couples and gathered friends felt comfortable to me and made me nostalgic. I used to be so social.  That died when I began my friendship with Todd and wanted to stop drinking as much.  I miss it, though. --Not the drinking.  I miss the energy of people and the atmosphere. I miss being interesting to people.  I miss being a welcome addition to any social event. I want to rekindle that flame within me.  I want to make myself happy to be me again: inside and out.  I feel like Josh's lifestyle is lethargic, often negative, and regularly depressed.  Trying to live with that, within that, makes me feel like someone I loathe being.  I need to regain my confidence and beauty and love for life.  I am horrified what will become of me if I don't.  First goal: getting back in shape.

Wish me luck.

Volume

Yesterday, Josh and I spent 2 1/2 hours at Costco.  Normally, I would complain, but this was for a really great reason.  Josh left with a brand new set of his very own hearing aids.  :) And you can barely see the suckers, they are so tiny. 

These little things have made a world of difference and I am so happy.  I was made even happier when the audiologist told Josh the hearing test he would have to take for the FD would likely only be in the decibel range that Josh can already hear in.  Thus, he'd likely pass it without his aids (which is required).  Josh had been really nervous about that, and surely he still is, knowing him. (He's ever the skeptic.) But I do think that eased his worry to some degree.  I definitely feel positive about it. We stopped for lunch during our visit and I said, "I think 2009 is going to be your year."  He said, "You mean, our year!".  It made me think, 'Hm, really? I need a year.  Cause I haven't had one in....maybe ever.'

Today, Josh didn't put the aids in for hours and I was really annoyed.  He said, "I don't need to wear them for anything right now", despite the fact that he had been saying the usual "What?" and "Sorry, what'd you say honey?" to everything I had been saying all day.  I said, "You know, those hearing aids are supposed to be helping you in your personal relationships with others as well."  A little while later, in the midst of doing stuff around the house, he said, "Now what was I doing?  Oh, yeah, I need to go put in my relationship enhancers."  Ha!  Nice. That made me laugh.

Here's a pic of Josh wearing his aids (you have to look closely!).

I spent some of today registering for gifts since I want so many things I can't afford. I told Josh what I was doing and he said, "You're silly. No one buys you things off of a registry unless you're getting married or having a baby."  I know he's right, but I can still wish for things.  And I do.  Our house is filled with things I'd love to replace. I don't have the money to do that, but I would really like to.  Maybe 2010 will be my year to do that and afford the car I want and the house I want and the clothes I want and...... hrm.  I sound so materialistic. I'm not.  I'm actually the person that owns clothes for 5, 6, 7, 10 years before she replaces them.  My car is a piece of junk, my house is a rental.  And almost everything I buy is secondhand or on deep discount. I love a deal. But I also love really nice things. Some day.....

Barren

It amazes me when people talk about having babies like they have control over it. "We're going to wait to have another one."  Really?  And then when you want to have one, you can?  You can just HAVE one? Just like that? I haven't used protection in a year and a half. Granted, I'm less sexually active than I've ever been in all my sexual adult life, but I do have sex. And I use nothing.  For years prior to that, I was only on birth control once in a while and I was having sex much more regularly. That makes me believe in my heart that I cannot have babies. I get my period just about once every 3 months as well, so that nearly confirms that I won't ever be pregnant.  Doctors can't figure it out.  I've spent loads of money having my hormones tested with no result ever helping to solve the mystery.  Oh well.  They sure are cute, I'd love to dress them up and have that bond and watch them grow, but, I know I'm not financially or emotionally ideal to be a mother and don't fathom I ever will be.  So, it's all for the best I guess. I definitely know there won't be a population shortage.  Guess I'll just leave it to the fertile.